Jim Harbaugh is a spectacularly normal guy. Loves milk, for example. Yeah, sure, he keeps releasing statements saying he’s staying the coach at Michigan no matter what when he’s definitely actively interviewing with NFL teams, but he loves milk! The icon of normalcy. Which is what makes it strange that all Michigan’s scandals are so darn weird.
Two weeks ago, Michigan got hit with what was most seriously a charge of failing to cooperate with an NCAA investigation over what’s been reported to be the purchase of two cheeseburgers by Harbaugh for visiting recruits. Yesterday, Michigan’s co-offensive coordinator, Matt Weiss, was placed on leave as the University of Michigan Police Department investigates a “report of computer access crimes,” as reported by ESPN. What does that mean? I have as little idea as you, but the police department’s online daily crime log evidently says they got a report two weeks ago about “fraudulent activity involving someone accessing university email accounts without authorization” at the football program’s offices. Again, credit to ESPN for digging that up.
Does this mean Weiss was emailing people from other University of Michigan accounts? Maybe so. That’s an explanation that would check every box from what we know. What was he emailing? That’s the big question here.
The best-case scenario is that Weiss was going into other coaches’ email accounts and sending out prank emails pretending to be them. The best-case scenario within that best-case scenario is that someone eventually successfully FOIA’s those emails and we get to read them and either agree that Weiss went way too far or agree that the victim(s) of this fraud probably didn’t need to get the police involved. There are even more best cases, most relating back to Harbaugh, but the whole thing seems poised for comedy.
My favorite scenario? Weiss did this intentionally, to take down Michigan. And why would he do that?
There’s a New York Times wedding announcement from 2010 about Matt Weiss marrying Melissa Stai, who is listed as a 29-year-old (at the time) Stanford graduate, which would mean she probably graduated around 2002. There’s also a November 2001 “diary entry” from someone named Melissa Stai on Stanford’s Field Hockey website which is just about the weirdest thing I’ve ever read. It reads like someone held Stai at gunpoint while she wrote it. A few excerpts:
“It is impossible to capture the essence of the 2001 field hockey season in mere words. The season, itself, was far more incredible than what words could describe. It was a season of accomplishments, a season of adversity, a season of victories and losses; it was a season of all seasons, but most of all, it was a season that the Stanford Field Hockey Team will never fail to remember.”
..
“I was recently talking to someone not affiliated with the Stanford Field Hockey Team about team dynamics. She explained that, ‘It would be impossible to find a team where everyone likes each other; where there is not a standout player.’ My response? ‘We are a perfect team.’ There is no standout player. Our team, itself, is exceptional.”
“Every season to follow will be nothing, but outstanding. We have set a precedent for the Stanford Field Hockey program. It is up to the returning players to carry on the tradition of being more than a team and expecting nothing but the best from everyone.”
..
“It is amazing to think that I made it here, I survived, and that I was a part of something incredibly special. Where does the time go? It almost seems unfair that time flies by so fast. Would I have done anything differently? No. It would have been nice to have another NCAA appearance, but a couple more games would not have changed how I feel about my team, about the season or about the last four years. It is not always the games that matter; it is the ‘journey’! And what a journey it has been.”
..
“I have witnessed first hand the power of belief. I am here because my coach believed in me. I have experienced much success and happiness here at Stanford because my team, my friends, and my family believed in me and supported me. Stanford is also special for the incredible support given to its athletes by the school and the athletic department. Only Stanford would send its Assistant Athletic Director on a one-day trip to Boston to support the field hockey team in the NCAA Play-In game last fall. Having Earl (Koberlein) cheer for us from the sideline made the win far more memorable.”
..
Why am I making fun of the writings of a then-21-or-22-year-old college athlete? Because they sound like someone held Stai at gunpoint while she wrote them. But also because while Stanford didn’t make the 2001 NCAA Tournament in Field Hockey (field hockey’s a fall sport, by the way, and no I don’t know why I’ve been capitalizing it I’m going to stop now), Michigan did. Michigan, in fact, won the national championship in 2001.
I am not accusing Stai of making Matt Weiss try to take down the University of Michigan from within.
I’m accusing whoever made Stai write that wacky diary to make Stai make Matt Weiss try to take down the University of Michigan from within.
Let’s call the Stanford field hockey administrative staff in for questioning.
PARODY LAW PARODY LAW PARODY LAW ok should be good now.
**
Our itinerary tonight:
9:00 PM EST: Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State (ESPNU)
It’s the Game of the NITe, and it’s Bedlam!, and I still think Bedlam! should be stylized with an exclamation mark at the end, just like Moulin Rouge!, a movie I’ve never seen in full but did casually glance at a few times while it was playing on mute on a projector at a bar.
7:00 PM EST: Bradley @ Indiana State (ESPN+)
7:00 PM EST: Furman @ Chattanooga (ESPN+)
8:00 PM EST: Missouri State @ Drake (ESPN+)
It’s a big NITe in the Missouri Valley and the SoCon, and to those of you saying following these games is overkill, we say: Maybe you should try killing for a while. See how easy it is to find the line.
6:30 PM EST: UConn @ Seton Hall (FS1)
7:00 PM EST: Pitt @ Louisville (ACCN)
7:00 PM EST: Florida @ Texas A&M (SECN)
7:00 PM EST: TCU @ West Virginia (CBSSN)
7:00 PM EST: Virginia Tech @ Virginia (ESPNU)
9:00 PM EST: Arkansas @ Mizzou (SECN)
10:00 PM EST: Oregon @ Cal (P12N)
Other NIT characters in the wild. Dan Hurley’s out with Covid so UConn’s probably going to have a great time tonight. UConn isn’t an NIT contender or anything, but I wanted to get that on the record. I would also play way better if Dan Hurley wasn’t actively coaching me.
9:00 PM EST: Providence @ Marquette (CBSSN)
Shaka Smart’s Marquette Golden Eagles, should they win by double digits, have a good chance of passing Texas in KenPom. If this happens, people will hear about it. People will hear about it from me.
7:00 PM EST: Penguins @ Senators (ESPN+)
Josh Norris is back, so that’s fun. The Sens really missed their chance with that recent string of winnable games, so that is not fun.
