Editor’s note: Satire! Parody law! The word, “allegedly!”
A hurricane is brewing in Tampa Bay, and I’m not just talking about the literal one that is threatening life and livelihood and has forced millions along Florida’s gulf coast to flee (stay safe, though, guys).
I’m talking about Tom Brady!
Man, this is great. To recap the last eight months, Tom Brady lost to a guy who kinda looks like Dilbert, retired, took part in an elaborate scheme to become owner and quarterback of the Dolphins, got caught in that scheme, got away with getting caught, unretired (royally pissing off his wife in the process, allegedly), and found out that his offense stinks. The whole thing came to a head in Week 2 when he beat the shit out of a Microsoft tablet (setting himself up for a great iPad endorsement deal), and it got worse when Bucs staff accidentally showed that tablet’s successor to Aaron Rodgers via jumbotron before a consequently failed two-point conversion on Sunday.
That is quite the last two clauses, so to explain a little more: Aaron Rodgers said after the game that he’d seen something on the Tampa Bay jumbotron which hinted at the play design, and that he then shared what he’d seen with Packers head coach Matt LaFleur, who in turn relayed the information to the defense, who in turn stopped the play dead and won the game. The interpretation by many has been that the Bucs showed their own play design on the jumbotron by pointing a camera at the tablet Brady was using. God bless jumbotrons.
Anyway, Tom Brady is furious. This shit sucks, and he’s got at least fourteen more games of it, and Rob Gronkowski’s handlers have blocked Brady on Gronkowski’s phone so Brady can’t lure the tight end back for one last traumatic brain injury shot at a title, and now the team is practicing in Miami while Hurricane Ian prepares to go De’Vondre Campbell on Tampa’s ass. This is a disaster. But as with all disasters, opportunity exists within it. Three possibilities for what happens next:
Tom Brady Defects
He’s in Miami already, after all, and I don’t think the NFL CBA was written to withstand an iconic quarterback locking himself in the bathroom at an opposing team’s practice facility until either he’s traded to the Dolphins or the league agrees to take the rest of the year off.
Tom Brady Escapes
If Rocket Power, Point Break, and Outer Banks taught me anything (I’ve only watched one of those three, but I read synopses on the internet of the other two because I’m the biggest threat the entertainment industry has ever seen), it’s that going to sea in a hurricane is awesome and dangerous and a great way to fake your own death. Now, if Tom Brady tries—something I assume would involve the hurricane unexpectedly changing course, Brady seizing Stephen Ross’s yacht at gunpoint, and Robert Kraft embarking from Boston in his private jet to hunt Brady down and save Brady’s life—it will fail. He will not get to Cuba, and even if he did, he’s washed up on the baseball field and surfing, like everything in Cuba, is treacherous and unsustainable. Which brings us to the third possibility:
Tom Brady Murders Someone
This is my personal favorite scenario, and not because I want someone to get murdered. I am ardently anti-murder. On the list of my least favorite things in the world, murder is in the top ten. The reason I’m in favor of this is how Brady would get caught.
There’s no way the Bucs showed that play on the jumbotron. It’s impossible. Jumbotrons have features built in to stop that sort of thing, namely their own clandestine sentience and accompanying fervent instinct for survival. What happened prior to the two-point conversion was not Aaron Rodgers seeing the Bucs’ play on the jumbotron. What happened prior to the two-point conversion was Aaron Rodgers having a vision of the Bucs’ tablet by using that necklace he was wearing to access the fifth dimension through which Microsoft’s wireless communication travels. Aaron Rodgers is having visions, and the way Tom Brady will be caught for this murder will be through Aaron Rodgers having a vision and telling an immediately horrified Matt LaFleur. With Aaron Hernandez gone there’s no one left for Tom Brady to frame, so that dude’s going to jail, where Aaron Rodgers will visit him through the sixth dimension (different necklace for that) and encourage him to stay strong throughout his confinement, saying, “I love you, Tom. We all love you. The universe loves you. Now’s the time for you to love it back,” until Brady either repents or attacks a prison guard and gets himself put in solitary for the remainder of his stay.
See? Anti-murder.
The Milkmen Nearly Did It Again
The Milwaukee Milkmen’s season ended recently, and our heroes fell. Despite taking an 8-3 lead into the seventh inning of the decisive American Association Finals Game 5, Milwaukee couldn’t hold on, losing to the Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks on a walk-off single in the bottom of the tenth. Heartbreak for dairy fans everywhere, but when we get Milkmen manager Anthony Barone on MilkTime, it’ll sure give us a lot to unpack.
A Joe Kelly-less Playoffs
For the first time since 2015, the Major League Baseball playoffs will take place without Joe Kelly.
That’s how bad this year’s White Sox were.
On Sunday, our hero returned from the family medical leave list to work a perfect inning against the Tigers, striking out one to extend his scoreless streak to what’s now 24 full days. Still, the White Sox lost, and they’re now mathematically eliminated from the postseason, and it’s a sad day for the sport, which will have to find its way through October without the face of the game.
With all that established, what a respectful gesture from Robbie Ray and Luke Weaver, paying homage to Joe Kelly’s 2013 National Anthem performance on Sunday:
Class, through and through.
NASCAR Was So Close
NASCAR was having a great year. There were tons of different winners, the races were mostly exciting, life was good. Then, they got into a playoff schedule designed to be exciting with the old car (a decent number of short tracks plus a road course, both of which are boring as hell with the new vehicle). Then, more different winners kept winning, this time far from the sport’s competitive peak. Then, the cars started becoming the story.
With Sunday’s race turning into an utter debacle, the tires basically little timebombs underneath the cars, frustration has boiled over. It’s a mess. It’s a big, ugly, beautiful mess. They’re going to Talladega this weekend, and somehow that feels more straightforward than what’s been happening. Golly.
IndyCar 2023
Where does this leave us? Well, IndyCar might be the most competent racing series in the world right now, but unfortunately that does not extend to its marketing. So, hype for every 2023 race, with the schedule released today:
March 5th: St. Petersburg
It’s the season kickoff!
April 2nd: Texas
It’s the season kick—oh wow, yeah, that race four weeks ago.
April 16th: Long Beach
Another street race right where America wants it: Right through the heart of an industrial port.
April 30th: Barber Motorsports Park
One of the greatest traditions in racing: Running a track that feels like a videogame stand-in for one where EA Sports couldn’t get the licensing rights.
May 13th: Indianapolis Road Course
Whet your beaks! Really. You’re gonna need some edge on those.
May 28th: Indy 500
Oh thank God this was getting tough.
June 4th: Detroit
Ok, this is getting great now. We’ve got a street course, it’s in the Motor City, I’m assuming it’s not using an airport runway for part of it. This is what we want.
June 18th: Road America
More good stuff! Beautiful road course racing in the summer.
July 2nd: Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course
Ok this is a little generic again, but we’ve gone months without taking a three-week break and you can’t just keep playing bangers through the second half of a concert.
July 16th: Toronto
Street race?! In Canada?? Do they even drive on the same side up there?!
July 22nd: Iowa
July 23rd: Iowa
You know it’s popping when Hy-Vee gets involved.
August 6th: Nashville
Man, things get really cool starting with the Indy 500. They should just get rid of the first two months. Or call it the preseason.
August 12th: Indianapolis Road Course
Don’t love this, partially because it’s enabling NASCAR to not run the Brickyard, but oh well. We’re starting to lose focus at this point anyway.
August 27th: Gateway
September 3rd: Portland
September 10th: Laguna Seca
These are all great but we’re going to be more focused on football and pennant races. Unless we place a ton of futures on IndyCar, which we might do, actually. You know what? Yeah. Let’s be excited about these too.
*
I give the overall schedule a 14 out of 17, which comes out to a B-. You’ve got full credit for thirteen of these and half-credit for another two (Mid-Ohio and the first Indy Road Course race). Honestly, if you just got rid of St. Petersburg the whole thing would really pop. Just my opinion. I don’t know why I said this. These notes are always just my opinion.
**
Viewing schedule:
7:40 PM EDT: Phillies @ Cubs (MLB TV)
7:40 PM EDT: White Sox @ Twins (MLB TV, second screen)
Joe Kelly faces Carlos Correa, the Phillies face potential doom from the scrappy lil’ Cubbies.
1:15 PM EDT: Ireland U21 @ Israel U21
2:45 PM EDT: Kosovo vs. Cyprus
2:45 PM EDT: Ireland vs. Armenia
2:45 PM EDT: Northern Ireland @ Greece
Burnleyers involved in meaningful international games today, making their countries proud: Dara Costelloe (Ireland u21), Arijanet Muric (Kosovo), Josh Cullen (Ireland), Bailey Peacock-Farrell (Northern Ireland). What a crew.
The Dolphins don’t need Brady….. unless they murder Tua by playing him with a concussion.