Sorry.
The Nets are hiring whom??
To loop everyone else in (just kidding, this is to loop myself in because I haven’t been following the Brooklyn Nets, sue me): The Nets, whose starting point guard is presently under fire for promoting an antisemitic conspiracy theory, have fired their coach and decided to replace him with a guy the Celtics suspended for the year (a no-buyout/no-lawsuit firing, it seems to turn out) allegedly due to a workplace affair with a subordinate which allegedly included some harassment and allegedly possibly some other bad things. The point guard? He’s still there. Or is he? I’m going to start a conspiracy theory that says Kyrie Irving doesn’t exist and is a false flag operation orchestrated by “the Jews” and see if Kyrie Irving will post about it on the internet.
Steve Nash has to be so relieved today. Think of how that meeting must have gone.
Sean Marks: So, we’re firing you.
Steve Nash: So I’m not the coach anymore?
Marks: We’ll pay your buyout.
Nash: So I’m not the coach anymore but I’m getting paid a lot of money, still?
Marks: This is effective immediately.
Nash: So I’m losing a few million dollars over the next few years but I never have to see Kyrie Irving again?
Marks: I’m very sorry.
Nash: *clicking his heels*
It’s not only Irving, of course. Ben Simmons is on this team, so Nash doesn’t have to try to figure out time travel anymore. Kevin Durant is on this team, so Nash’s odds of getting roasted on Twitter have begun to drop, and will continue to slowly drop until Irving tweets something out so despicable that we all agree to just get rid of the internet, at which point they’ll hit zero. Nash has to be so relieved. So happy. He’s on vacation at least five months early.
To clean the thing up, the Nets are reportedly bringing in Ime Udoka, the recently deposed head coach of the Boston Celtics. I don’t know what the exact thoughts are here (my best guess is that the Nets think Udoka won’t be able to get away with any nefarious activity because Irving’s so into finding out secrets) but I like that the Celtics didn’t put up a fight. The Boston Celtics woke up this morning with an offer on the table to end an awkward, painful situation while simultaneously adding even more chaos to a theoretical conference rival. Is Steve Nash happier tonight, or is Brad Stevens?
Udoka’s supposed to be a good coach, because he did good work in Boston with a roster of players willing to be coached and willing to do weird NBA stuff like play as a cohesive whole. He will now try his hand with Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons. Maybe Joe Tsai’s behind this and it’s a “fuck it, burn it down” moment. Few can say for sure. But what a ride we’re in for, friends.
**
Viewing schedule for the evening:
7:00 PM EDT: College Football Playoff Rankings Reveal, ESPN
My top 25? I can’t tell you the whole thing, but I’m desperately hoping Illinois gets ranked ahead of Clemson. How fun would that be?
8:03 PM EDT: World Series Game 3, FOX
Kyle Schwarber has had two whole days to recharge the green bar at the top of the screen that determines how far he can hit the ball. He’s like Kenny Kawaguchi with a juicebox. Look the heck out, New Jersey.
