Wikipedia has a “Sports riot” article, which makes my job right now very easy. A few relevant blurbs, working backwards:
“When the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII, fans in Philadelphia reportedly flipped 1 car, tore down traffic lights outside Philadelphia City Hall, and collapsed an awning outside a city hotel. On the same night, 6 fans of the New England Patriots were arrested in Amherst, Massachusetts.”
“After the San Francisco Giants defeated the Kansas City Royals in the 2014 World Series, Giants fans set fires, vandalized buses and police cars, shattered windows of businesses, scrawled graffiti, and threw bottles at police. Two people were shot, one person was stabbed, and a police officer was badly hurt from fireworks exploding. 40 arrests were made.”
“Seventeen years after the 1994 riot, Vancouver was faced with a second riot, after the Canucks lost, also in Game 7, to the Boston Bruins. Unlike in 1994, the fans met at giant screens, where Game 7 was being televised. Shortly before the game’s end, fans began throwing bottles at the screen, as well as burning Canuck and Bruin jerseys and flags. The riot eventually escalated when fans began overturning and burning cars. In all, the fans burned 17 cars, as well as a fire truck, and ultimately, 85 rioters were arrested.”
“Montreal was stricken with a fifth riot after the Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals of the 2010 Stanley Cup playoffs.”
“After the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Boston Celtics in game seven of the NBA Finals, fans rioted in celebration.”
Honestly, most of these are pretty soft. The 2011 Vancouver riot is the only one of the five that has its own Wikipedia article, dedicated to the riot itself, and the Lakers’ appearance on the list feels like the product of some Orange County teenager decked out in Kobe gear worrying that people don’t think Los Angeles is tough enough and deciding to edit a Wikipedia article to try to make his point. Even the Eagles one is fairly tame: Flipped cars is a counting stat. That isn’t a stylistic error to use “1” instead of writing out “one.” They used “1” because they expect there to be more.
To be clear, destroying other people’s property is a bad, bad thing to do. We do not support rioting in the real world. Throwing scooters off the Congress Avenue Bridge in downtown Austin because Texas is going to the College World Series? Look to make sure you don’t hit anybody, but that’s just cleaning up litter. Flipping cars over? Lighting fires? Stabbing people and exploding fireworks at people? Don’t do those things, please.
At the same time, though, we live far enough from Philadelphia that the distance necessary for a bad thing to become funny could, in the case of a riot on Sunday night, be large enough for us to laugh. So: How do we get the funniest Philadelphian riot possible?
First, there’s a reason it needs to be Philadelphia to be funny. It can’t be Kansas City. Philadelphians know how to sow chaos. It’s what God made them to do. Kansas Citians, on the other hand, mostly know how to cut up various parts of cows in order to smoke them. Remember what we said about stabbing people? That skill set does not translate well to rioting. If Kansas City starts rioting, call in the National Guard immediately. If Philadelphia’s riot gets out of hand, roll a bunch of Yuenglings down side streets and watch the people scatter in pursuit.
Second, the Eagles need to win. The lessons the Vancouver riots taught us are that 1) Canadians are way tougher than we give them credit for being and 2) happy riots are safer than angry riots. The two can merge into each other and back again, but a riot that starts with anger is, as Vancouver knows well, going to get ugly immediately. If the Eagles lose and people head outside, call in the National Guard. If the Eagles win, let the kids play.
Third, and this is important, it needs to rain a little. The lightpoles are fun, but they’re old news. The dumpsters are merely honest summer recreation. Climbing on things is just what people do when they’re at their freest, and if it wasn’t, why would playgrounds be the way that they are? We need something special out of Philadelphia, and I think it could be as simple as dozens of hammered teenagers from Delco using Broad Street as a slip and slide while temperatures hover around forty degrees. That’s the kind of Sunday night debauchery we’re after this weekend. Every riot needs a defining theme, and Broad Street Slip and Slide is one much healthier than scaling City Hall and toppling William Penn (if they steal the Liberty Bell, though…what a way for it to go).
Best of luck to all involved, but special best of luck to me, who would love to be distracted on Monday morning by a steady stream of ridiculous videos from the greatest city in the Eastern Time Zone. So I guess what I’m saying is…
Go Birds.
So Kliff Kingsbury Only Took a Vacation?
Well this is bullshit.
I thought Kliff Kingsbury hadn’t bought a return ticket from Thailand because he intended to globetrot for a minute.
It turns out Kliff Kingsbury hadn’t bought a return ticket from Thailand because he’s just really stinkin’ rich.
The Texans are reportedly interviewing Kingsbury for their open offensive coordinator position, and hey, if both parties want it, we won’t stop anybody. But I don’t care how good the Vietnamese food is in Houston. It’s not the same as the real Southeast Asia, Kliff, and I’m starting to think you like football a lot more than looking handsome on a picturesque beach.
What a waste of a jawline.
Austin Is an SEC Town (Soon)
This’ll really throw Texas Monthly for a loop: Austin, burgeoning tech capital pregnant with suburbs, is going to be an SEC town in July of 2024, exactly when it was anticipated but a year earlier than was possible. I think this means the West Campus Greek scene will get a lot less relaxed, the sports will improve, and certain residents will feel a strange, strong sense of validation whenever Alabama wins a national championship, uncontrollably chanting the name of their conference with pride at what they themselves could not achieve.
Can’t wait.
Greg Brown Got Waived
The Blazers waived Greg Brown yesterday, which I think means he’ll go to…Europe? It’s possible another team will claim him, but if you struggled to hold onto a bottom half team, it’s hard to see things perking up too much. Pretty weird to be assuming a guy is done with the NBA at 21, though, so maybe he’s got time still to fill out the potential. This is why G-League teams should be allowed to sign one hometown guy.
More NIT Saturday/Sunday Previews
Housekeeping: Instead of including Saturday and Sunday’s college basketball in the viewing schedule below, we’ll plan on publishing a preview for each day tomorrow and then Sunday. Too many games to clog up the Notes like they’ve been known to do.
I Bought a Cool Milk
I walked to Whole Foods yesterday because I needed my allergy tea because I’m a weak little boy whose nose will not behave, and I was out of chocolate milk so I found the most fun chocolate milk I could find.
It’s fun.
Posted a picture over on Instagram, but it’s a glass bottle from here in Texas and they charged me two extra dollars for the bottle itself, which is cool because I think I can write that off now as an office decoration. No way I’m returning it and getting the deposit back. Two dollars? Once you put a price on décor and that price is two dollars, it’s mine.
**
The menu for the weekend (besides those Saturday and Sunday NIT-race games)
Sunday, 6:30 PM EST: The Super Bowl
This one’s pretty straightforward.
Friday, 6:00 PM EST: Kent State @ Buffalo (ESPN2)
Friday, 7:00 PM EST: Xavier @ Butler (FS1)
Friday, 7:00 PM EST: Iona @ Canisius (ESPN+?)
Friday, 7:30 PM EST: Akron @ Ohio (CBSSN)
Friday, 8:00 PM EST: Saint Louis @ Dayton (ESPN2)
Friday, 9:00 PM EST: New Mexico @ Air Force (FS1)
Friday, 11:00 PM EST: Fresno State @ Nevada (FS1)
Basketball! Tonight! Kent State and Iona are fighting for automatic bids, Akron is kind of fighting for an automatic bid, Saint Louis and Dayton are fighting each other for the right to fight VCU for an automatic bid, New Mexico and Nevada are trying to walk a pair of tightropes and only New Mexico is successfully walking theirs right now.
Saturday, 12:30 PM EST: Oilers @ Sens (ESPN+)
They’re back! And they’re getting a Mountain Time team in the early afternoon.
Big stretch coming up for the Sens. Not a lot else to say about it. Gotta get in contention if this is going to be fun at all. I think I saw that Zub’s back. That’d be a good sign.
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Bulls @ Cavs (League Pass)
Cavs play tonight, too. Late tip. In New Orleans. Bulls are gonna catch ‘em off guard.
Saturday, 10:00 AM EST: Preston North End @ Burnley
Rivalry game for the Burnleys, trying to stay hot at home. Clinching is not on the table yet, but it’ll sneak up on us if they keep doing the job.
