I watched the Bears game last night at Pluckers with a friend who’s also from Illinois and also isn’t really a Bears fan (he’s closer than I am) but who forgot I’m not a Bears fan (to be clear, I like them going 7-9 in a funny way, I don’t want them 0-16 like the Vikings) and therefore asked if I wanted to watch the game together. I haven’t seen this guy in seven months, so I said yes, and we had a lovely little time. Mostly because that game was hilarious.
A thing about the Chicago Bears is that they’re very, very funny. I can’t think of another team in any sport with as strong of comedic timing as the Chicago Bears. They aren’t problematic, they aren’t evil, they’re just bad, and usually in a goofy way. Their fanbase, like many were they put into this situation, doesn’t understand this, and is oddly optimistic (this is an NFL trait, I think—NFL fans are bizarre optimists). So, the Bears losing by five points and five inches against the Washington Commanders on a Thursday night game at home while wearing their orange alternates was perhaps the best distillation we’ve ever had of the Chicago Bears. Diamonds are pure carbon. That game was pure Bears.
I feel for Justin Fields, and I also don’t, mostly because he makes a lot of unintentionally silly faces during games and if he was always looking confident or he was always looking shell-shocked I would think he knew what was going on and/or was a great leader. Instead, he has eight moments a game where his face seems to say, “What the hell is this?” and two moments a game where his face seems to say, “I’m gonna have a sick Instagram from that play.” I also feel for Matt Eberflus, and I also don’t, because he is coaching the Chicago Bears and he decided to coach the Chicago Bears.
Mostly, though, I’m pumped about that Carson Wentz block. That was what Carson Wentz needs to be. A blocker. The Commanders need to call up that A-11 offense guy and ask him to design something that gets Carson Wentz opportunities to downfield block. I want the NFL to make a rule about quarterback crackbacks, and I want it to happen because Carson Wentz broke a man’s hip.
Housekeeping
The Nuts will be here tomorrow. God knows what else. Oh—Sens lost, looked like the offense sputtered a bit, I was unsuccessful in getting Pluckers to borrow my ESPN+ subscription to put the game on at the bar. (There were some soccer playoffs going on—the Cuartos de Final of something, but of what I do not know. Also, when they switched one TV to soccer we asked them to switch another to football, and when they asked which game, we said ‘the Bears,’ and they turned on Baylor. It was a great night. I had a big ol’ glass of coke before I drove home. It tasted a little diet but I’m not sure it was. I think maybe my tastebuds are just a little off right now. Ok, gotta go. Lots of Lyft bonuses this week because they can’t figure out how to get me to drive without accidentally paying me sixty dollars an hour. Lyft is so bad at this. ‘This’ meaning all of it. What a funny company. The Chicago Bears of the rideshare industry.)
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Viewing schedule:
1:07 PM EDT: Cleveland @ New York (AL) – Game 2 (TBS)
The “Nestor the Molester” controversy from earlier this year is a lot funnier because Nestor Cortes does, 100%, look like a Family Guy character from 2005 who is named Nestor and is known as a molester. Let’s get that out in the open. Nestor Cortes looks like the 2005 stereotype of a pedophile. Clearly, we’ve all grown up a bit since then and know that’s nothing to joke about, but you can’t just teach my ten-year-old self to laugh at this shit and then throw Nestor Cortes on the mound looking like that. My neighbor called that sort of thing entrapment.
The Guardians need to win this series before I get myself in trouble.
4:37 PM EDT: Atlanta @ Philadelphia – Game 3 (FS1)
There’s a universe out there where Aaron Nola is the biggest sports star in the world. The only things that need to have happened in that universe is for Europeans to love baseball and for the Phillies to have been competitive these last seven years, or however long Nola’s been around.
8:37 PM EDT: Los Angeles @ San Diego – Game 3 (FS1)
Have we talked about Blake Snell’s headshot? This man was made for San Diego, and I mean the old-school, local San Diego where teens smoke pot and ride skateboards and steal tacos from the taco truck where they work so they can bring them to their friends. Not the new one where everyone says Ooh it feels like perfect air conditioning the whole year round! Man, what a city. Tony Gonsolin looks like he was raised in Turlock but still doesn’t know who Colin Kaepernick is. Relatedly, I just googled “Turlock” to make sure that’s the town I’m thinking of and one of the headlines that came up under ‘Top Stories’ is: Spanky’s Wieners introduces Turlock to the wild side of hot dogs. That’s disgusting, Turlock. Find God.
