We work with JJ Watt now.
In a way.
Today, JJ and Kealia Watt announced their investment in Burnley F.C., a football club in England we are also invested in here at The Barking Crow. The only difference—and this is but a technicality—is that the Watts are invested financially while we are solely invested emotionally, our emotional investment the product of an exercise four years ago to find the most irrelevant team in the Premier League and become fans of said team.
Four years later, Burnley is not the most irrelevant team in the Premier League. They aren’t in the Premier League at all, in fact! They’ll be back in a few months, but for the time being they’re still pounding the EFL Championship (England’s second league, England’s most Championshipped league name) into submission, winning at a rate those climes haven’t seen since 2014. On Monday, they’ll wrap up their campaign as champions of the Championship. On Tuesday? I’m assuming myself and the Watts will FaceTime or something. I don’t know how this works. I’ve never been an investment partner with JJ and Kealia Watt before.
JJ, I’m sure you’re reading this, so welcome to the Burnleys. We’ll have fun together, and if West Ham tries to run the ball next year, they’re sunk. Burnley’s front seven pressure is going to be unprecedented.
We Also Might Work With Snoop Dogg?
Our other we–chose–them–because–they–were–irrelevant love, the Ottawa Senators, are up for sale themselves, and for a long time it’s looked like Ryan Reynolds would be the face of the bunch of rich dudes who buy them. Not so fast, though. Snoop Dogg has entered the mix.
Yes, Snoop Dogg is in on Neko Sparks’s bid to buy our Sens. If it happens, well, let’s just say you’ll be seeing a whole new side of JJ Watt.
I personally am excited for this burgeoning Snoop Dogg/Ryan Reynolds feud. Because we all know what’s going to be the right side, and because it’s going to leave us all united against fawning celebrity relationship worshipers.
I Am American and I Do Not Like the Panthers
The Panthers are trying to keep Leafs fans out of Florida by refusing to sell tickets on their website to anyone without a United States ZIP code in their credit card billing address. First of all, this is dumb by the Panthers because there are tons of Leafs fans in Palau. Second of all…
Do the Panthers think we’re on their side?
I’m a dutiful Sens fan. I don’t like the Leafs. But I also don’t like the Panthers. In the Eastern Conference, I am a New York Rangers or New Jersey Devils fan, depending who won tonight’s game (no spoilers, more on this in a few subheaders). I have principles, and if those principles lead me to an awkward alliance with my nemesis James Dolan, I can deal with that. But I distract myself. We’re here to talk about me not liking the Panthers.
I don’t like the Panthers!
And I don’t think other people do either!
Statistically speaking, anyone outside of the Miami metro area (and probably a lot of people inside the Miami metro area) is way likelier to be a Leafs fan than a Panthers fan. Do the Panthers have fans? Or do they have people who go to games out of a desire to see Kodak Black get freaky?
Tighten the radius, Panthers.
Joe Kelly K’s; Baby
This is, importantly, different from either of these two alternative hypothetical headlines:
- Joe Kelly K’s, Baby
- Joe Kelly K’s Baby
No, this is two separate pieces of Joe Kelly news.
The first is that Joe Kelly struck out the side against the Rays yesterday, getting his ERA really close to where it doesn’t look terrible at a glance and also resurrecting the White Sox’ season.
The second is that per Joe Kelly’s wife’s Instagram story this morning, she was set to give birth today to their fourth child and Joe Kelly was in the delivery room. Best wishes to the Kelly family right now, and fingers crossed for a smooth delivery and a happy, healthy family. We are all excited to have more of Joe Kelly’s genes in the world.
F1 Tried to Kill Some People
Formula 1 has to manufacture a lot of rules to be able to say they at least tried to make it interesting. One of those rules is that you have to make at least one pit stop per race. Yesterday, when one of the drivers got to the end and figured out he hadn’t pitted yet, he went to pit, but pit lane was overrun with photographers. Somehow, with a racecar barreling down upon on a horde of civilians, there was neither death nor carnage. Just goes to show how weak these F1 cars are.
As usual, the winner of the F1 race remained a mystery after this, because the actual results in F1 aren’t the important thing. The important thing is how glamorous every race is, and how many things every race makes every race-watcher think they know that nobody else in the whole world knows. Which brings us to our actual point here:
It’s time to move on from Baku.
For years, F1 has run an Azerbaijan Grand Prix, and it’s been really cool! Baku gets some shine, everyone gets to enjoy Baku, one time all the tires exploded which made for one of the best F1 races in the Netflix era. By now, though, Baku is being overshadowed. It’s time to find another Eurasian city. Because if I hear anyone else say that the Parking Lot Grand Prix in Miami will be a welcome relief for F1, I am going to pop the tires myself.
Fargo’s Bad Night
Why am I writing these at 9:30 PM Texas Time, still ignorant to most of the details of how the Sixers/Celtics game ended? Well, I’m just a little bad at planning ahead. On a related note, we picked Fargo up from the boarder tonight and she pooed all over herself, then got some poo on the car, then arrived home to discover we hadn’t realized how low her stash of meds had gotten, so her belly’s up for a challenge tonight. We will get them tomorrow, Fargs, and all will be right with your entire digestive tract again (we’re missing the stomach drug—the intestine drug is there, but the stomach drug kind of makes the whole operation work). Hold your dogs close. Pray for our rugs.
NIT History Lesson: The OG NIT
Quick NIT History Lesson tonight: The first NIT was in 1938, it featured six teams, Oklahoma A&M (now OK State) was the top seed, and Temple won it, beating the piss out of Colorado in the championship (OKAM beat NYU 37–24 in the third place game, which set quite a precedent for NIT final scores to live up to). Bradley and Long Island were also in the field. This is the kind of thing you teach to your kids right after you make sure they know what sound the dog makes (tonight, it’s *gurgle*).
