We need to talk about Tommy DeVito’s agent, and we need to talk about what his being signifies about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship.
This man is not real:
I know, I know, he’s a real person. His name is Sean Stellato, and he knows what he’s doing. He likes Rocky, and Frank Sinatra. He knows that the hat is a look. He is leaning into being a man named Sean Stellato with a client named Tommy DeVito whose father kisses him, Sean, on the cheek after big plays. Sean Stellato is real, and he is capitalizing on what is becoming a bigger and bigger moment for Italian-Americans in New York and in the football world.
But Sean Stellato can’t be real, right?
I’ve never been one to think the NFL is rigged. I think the NBA can be rigged a little bit sometimes (as a treat), largely through putting specific egotistical refs on games where egotistical refs will unintentionally make a difference. But I have never thought that about the NFL. Any successful rigging would involve too many participants. Someone would squeal. Similarly, I’ve never thought baseball or hockey is rigged. Bud Selig, bless his heart, was way too dumb to ever successfully rig a baseball game, and Rob Manfred, curse his heart, would only rig baseball to self-detonate, not to make something cool happen. Hockey? That would be like trying to rig a 12-way hamster fight. Hockey is too chaotic to rig. We know soccer is often rigged—it’s low scoring and gives high leverage to individual mistake-makers, and it’s also global, where organized crime is more powerful than in the USA. But football? The NFL? I don’t buy it.
Or rather, I didn’t buy it.
Because what else would Roger Goodell do during a dry spell in NFL intrigue but this? What better way to respond to Aaron Rodgers tearing his Achilles, something which decimated the NFL’s hopes of relevance in the market which drives American media, than by resurrecting New York City football through creating the most New Jerseyan gridiron moment of all time? (Side note: Why is Rutgers not more Italian? That seems like a miss.)
It’s too improbable to be believable, and the costume draws a whole lot of notice. This is a bit, and it will run its course, but the NFL will have made it through a depressing MVP debate and gotten to the playoffs while making us all crave a warm, tomato-filled holiday meal. Crisis averted; sport saved; Tommy DeVito will become a backup for the Panthers and Sean Stellato will tip his cap before fading back into the 1978 alley from whence he sprung. Fair play. Well done by Roger. I wish the Packers hadn’t had to lose because of this, but I get why it happened.
What’s really concerning is what this means for Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.
A fair number of people have theorized that the NFL orchestrated Taylor Swift’s relationship with Travis Kelce. The theory is that Swift is accepting money under the table to date Kelce, or that the NFL has threatened to block her from future stadium tours if she doesn’t help them out (this second part can’t be believed—Taylor Swift would have Jerry Jones’s scalp in a court of law and would cherish every deposition along the way). The theory is out there, and I really didn’t want it to be true. Not because I harbor grand hopes for Swift and Kelce’s romance, but because the first person I heard suggest it is an annoying asshole, and they presented it as a nefarious conspiracy, not as a funny joke. (You should always start your conspiracy theory by making it sound like a funny joke.)
Now, though?
If Roger Goodell is capable of manufacturing an Italian-American takeover of the NFC, he’s more powerful than I thought, and he’s definitely capable of dropping a bag towards someone whose entire life’s net worth is only 9% of what his league earns from TV deals in a year.
I think the only hope for Swifties at this point is that initially, Taylor Swift was paid, but now, she’s really fallen in love. And honestly? That seems like a very Taylor Swift way for the story to go. There’s a big overlap between TV movie plots and Taylor Swift subject matter.
(I bet it’d make old Tom DeVito tear up, too. I bet that guy loves love.)
Heinous Act Draws NBA Ejection
Last night, in front of thousands of innocent spectators, an NBA legend took things too far. Frustrated, he lashed out with violence, and as a result was ejected from the game.
Yes, in the second quarter of the Nuggets’ visit to the United Center (which reportedly offered a large group ticket offer to Serbian fans in honor of the occasion), Nikola Jokić turned towards Mousa Dagher and yelled, “Call the fucking foul!” The violent and obscene language was met with an ejection.
Are NBA players allowed to tell refs to “call the fucking foul?” I don’t really know. My impression is that they aren’t technically allowed to, but that the refs are expected to look deep inside themselves and ask, “Does Adam Silver want me to give this man a technical foul and/or eject him?” Clearly, Dagher answered that question correctly here. Because what Adam Silver wants is for us to talk about the NBA, and refs are convenient scapegoats. So, Dagher really took one for the team. That’s loyalty right there.
Also, Draymond Green Struck a Man
Later in the evening, there was another noteworthy ejection, this one for Draymond Green merely swinging his arm aggressively into Jusuf Nurkić’s head.
Bad night for the Balkans.
I’m going to be up front here. I was in favor of Draymond Green putting Rudy Gobert in a headlock. Headlocks are sometimes the best way to break up a fight. I haven’t been in a real fight myself as an adult, but even I know the value of a well-timed headlock. Striking a man in the head, on the other hand…Not a good way to break up a fight. Especially if no fight is yet happening when you do it.
So, yeah. This is much more like Draymond Green kicking Steven Adams in the nuts, or hitting LeBron James in the nuts, or hitting Jordan Poole in the face. I will stand down on this one. Bad Draymond! Stop that right now!
Did Juwan Howard Strike a Man?
Earlier today, Brendan Quinn reported an update on the Juwan Howard situation on behalf of The Athletic. According to Quinn, three anonymous sources confirmed strength and conditioning coach Jon Sanderson filed an HR claim after what Quinn refers to as a “heated dispute.”
What actually happened, as told by Quinn:
Conversations with multiple witnesses and individuals briefed on the matter establish a partial picture of what occurred last Thursday.
The confrontation between Howard and Sanderson stemmed from a disagreement between an athletic trainer and senior guard Jace Howard, Juwan’s 22-year-old son. Jace Howard has not played this season with a stress fracture in his right knee and tibia, and questioned why he’s yet to be cleared to play.
Sanderson became involved in that dispute, and he and Juwan Howard exchanged words. According to a combination of witnesses and individuals briefed on the matter, no punches were thrown, but things became heated to the point where the two were separated.
Confirmed, then, is the rumor that this started because of Jace Howard, although this account points towards Howard’s desire to be cleared to play as the start of the dispute, not towards Howard not taking treatment seriously or showing up late (though these theories aren’t mutually exclusive). Also confirmed, it seems, is that Juwan Howard did not strike another man here.
However!
That doesn’t mean Sanderson wasn’t trying to make him.
Look. Sanderson’s a cult hero at Michigan. People love Sanderson. Sanderson is a Michigan Man. And what has been highlighted this year about Michigan Men? The truest believers among them fall on the sword. Sanderson knows ball. Sanderson knows Michigan needs Juwan Howard out. I don’t know if Sanderson did this, but if Sanderson were to try to bait Juwan Howard into punching him in the face, Sanderson would be helping Michigan.
I am speculating…that Juwan Howard was set up.
Eggnog Would Be a Good Dog Name
Meant to mention this yesterday, when we spoke about eggnog:
Eggnog would be a good name for a dog.
Especially if the dog is drunk and wintery.
It Was Simply a Photo
Reports went out last night that the Dodgers are close to acquiring Tyler Glasnow from the Rays, and possibly Manuel Margot as well. Around the same time, Randy Arozarena posted an old picture on Instagram of himself with Shohei Ohtani. This led many to believe that Arozarena was about to be part of a Glasnow–to–the–Dodgers deal.
Nope.
It was simply a photo.
I’m gonna start using that.
“Stu, what was up with that picture you posted of yourself riding a nuclear missile towards a target you marked with the NCAA Tournament logo?”
“It was simply a photo.”
What in the Hell Is Going on at Louisville?
Today, Louisville released a statement announcing basketball player Koron Davis told them he was going to transfer. Moments later, Koron Davis released a statement saying he didn’t say he wanted to transfer.
Evidently there’s been a Koron Davis saga going on, one which Mike Rutherford outlined here last week for Card Chronicle. The sparknotes? It was weird when Kenny Payne signed this unheralded juco recruit; it looked weird when fans finally saw him on a basketball court for an exhibition game; there was a (denied) rumor he got in a physical fight with Payne; he stopped being seen at games; and then he was seen at games again but this time in the stands. Then, Payne said, “Koron Davis is not in trouble.”
Kenny Payne is a wild dude. Louisville is a wild place. Through that framing, this makes perfect sense. It is very believable that Kenny Payne had a vision telling him to go to Los Angeles and find a juco player named Baron Davis, and that when he found Koron Davis, he said, “Close enough.” It is also believable that there was an issue transferring Davis’s juco credits to Louisville. It is also believable that Davis and Payne got in a fight and Payne didn’t realize they were fighting.
Three years from now, Kenny Payne will be gone and Louisville will be good again, and we’ll look back on this fever dream with astonishment. For right now, the normal thing at Louisville is that the school is trying to transfer its own player out and the player—who’s probably eating great at the training table and enjoying other perks of being an ACC basketball player—doesn’t want to go.
