I’ll say this for the names of the horses in this year’s Kentucky Derby: While they might not be the strongest crop, they age well. A lot of them grow on you when you sit with them. Maybe when you sit on them, too. Because, you know. That’s something you can do with horses.
20. Endlessly
Bad name for a horse. It’s not the horse’s fault, but I don’t like this horse.
19. Resilience
Yeah…this one feels more like a horse name, but it’s still doing too much. It feels like the person who named it wants you to ask them what they’ve been through.
18. Forever Young
The song can stay, but I think we need to stop naming things “Forever Young” for a while. Too many senior citizen social groups named that.
17. Epic Ride
Bro!
Yeah, sorry, the word “epic” will have a literary connotation again eventually, but this isn’t clicking. It’s going for the angle where it’ll sound cool if the horse wins, but it’s not going to sound cool enough to justify the attempt. If you don’t hit on a cool name, go for a goofy one.
16. Stronghold
Not terrible, but not good.
15. Just a Touch
This makes me vaguely uncomfortable. I know there’s probably an interpretation that isn’t about touching someone, but it’s creeping me out.
14. T O Password
Password would be a good name for a horse. Terrell Owens would be a great name for a horse. But the T O here distracts.
13. Just Steel
I know, it reminds me of Justin Steele too, and I like that. But this is Epic Ride again: It’s supposed to sound cool instead of silly, and it just isn’t cool enough.
12. Catching Freedom
I think I saw this on a Fourth of July polo at Kohl’s.
11. Honor Marie
Ehh, not bad. Getting there. But this is probably about honoring someone named Marie, in which case why not just name the horse Marie? If it does well, Marie should be honored. If it does poorly, well, naming it Honor Marie doesn’t make the loss any better.
10. Grand Mo the First
Solid. It’s a lot, but solid.
9. Domestic Product
This is respectable. It’s an existing phrase that has little to do with horse racing, and it is comically boring. There might be a double meaning, there might not be. It does not roll off the tongue well in the event this horse wins. I like it. I bet the namer loves it.
8. Track Phantom
This is another one where I bet the person who named it really enjoys the name. It feels like the kind of thing one names a horse if one doesn’t care what others think about the name of that horse. This is like when the nerds get comfortable in high school and play Magic the Gathering out in the open.
7. West Saratoga
This horse won’t win the Triple Crown, because its name implies it’s second to something, but it has a mysticism to it. Oh. And speaking of that…
6. Mystik Dan
I like it. Normally, intentionally misspelled words are kind of lame in a time like this, but mystic is already such a weird word that I think this plays. Mystik Dan sounds like a guy I want to have a beer with. Or a horse I want to have a beer with. Gosh. Do you think horses can absolutely slug beers? They must process them so fast, right?
5. Fierceness
Solid, A-minus work that’ll sound good if the horse does great things. It’s no “Secretariat,” but it works.
4. Dornoch
I like this one too. It’s right at the intersection of goofy and noble. You can imagine telling your kids about the day Dornoch won the Kentucky Derby.
3. Sierra Leone
Great name. These last three are all great. Sierra Leone is good because it feels like someone saw the name of the country, said “Dang, that sounds like the name of a person,” and someone else said “Hey that’s inappropriate to name a horse,” and the first someone said “Why? ‘Cause it’s in Africa? Racist,” then named the horse Sierra Leone. A lot of countries would be good names for a horse. Sierra Leone stands apart because it would also work as the name of a person.
2. Society Man
This is my favorite because it sounds like a horse who dances.
1. Catalytic
So good. Unique. Original. Definitionally solid—this is a horse who provokes change—and simultaneously fun plus pleasing to the ears. “Catalytic has won the Kentucky Derby!” “Catalytic takes home the Preakness!” “Catalytic has won the Triple Crown!!”
It would sound great. My favorite? Not quite. But it’s the best one.
Why the Derby Got So Big
I spent a lot of time this morning trying to find out why the Kentucky Derby became the single biggest horse race in American culture. The Saturday Evening Post (yeah, evidently it still exists!) has the story, and it’s a fun read. Meriwether Lewis Clark Jr., William Clark’s grandson*, was the founder. A man named Matt Winn was the marketing genius who created most of the traditions we associate with it today. One thing I’d like explained to me is whether Kentucky became the horse state because of the Kentucky Derby or if the Kentucky Derby had so much success because Kentucky was the horse state. But besides that, the article’s got what you need to know. Fun stuff. Happy Derby Weekend.
*Very sweet that Clark named his son after Meriwether Lewis. Makes you say, aww.
Kyrie Irving: Growing?
What kind of plan do you think the Mavericks have in place for responding if Kyrie Irving decides to weigh in more heavily on campus protests, Gaza, Israel, etc.? How many Mavericks employees are prepared for a Kyrie incident? How high up do those conversations go?
Also…interesting that Irving’s shown so much restraint this year. Not because it says anything about what he thinks or doesn’t think, but because it shows that when he does say and do crazy stuff, he’s probably choosing to do it. This isn’t Milton Bradley over here. (Milton Bradley made choices too, but…you know.)
Pat Beverley Played Chess
(Disclaimer: I know he does this with every reporter. Nobody has to fill me in on that.)
Pat Bev had a bad night last night. Season ended, lost his cool and chucked a basketball at a fan, Tyrese Haliburton reminded everyone of the time Damian Lillard equated Pat Bev with a homeless crack addict played by Bernie Mac…bad night. But. When you are Pat Beverly, you always have a trick up your sleeve, which in this case was him telling an ESPN reporter that she needed to leave the postgame scrum around his locker because she doesn’t subscribe to his podcast, and pushing her microphone away multiple times.
Weird move!
Really weird move.
Looked like a big weirdo.
Also, great way to distract everyone from the other three things. Because as we could have predicted, knowing sports journalists, this is a bigger story to them than the other things. It might even be a bigger story than Giannis sparking the hiring of Doc Rivers, Doc Rivers sparking the downfall of the Bucks, and Giannis watching in street clothes while an also-injured Lillard and Khris Middleton tried to overcome the 18th-best team in the NBA. Pat Bev is a media genius. Maybe if these guys subscribed to his podcast, they’d know that. (I’m kidding! I swear! Don’t excommunicate me!)
Etc.
Chicago:
- Alex Caruso won the NBA’s Hustle Award, as is appropriate. It’s a shame the Bulls aren’t better. Caruso would be a great example for Chicago-area dads to use for their kids, but you can’t really make kids watch the Bulls these days. In the 50s, you’d get away with that, but no more.
- The Cubs and Brewers meet this weekend, and given the Brewers’ penchant for conflict, this might be the end of the post-Craig Counsell honeymoon for myself and the Crew. Feels like something might blow up, and Pat Murphy doesn’t seem interested in calming those instincts. Buckle up, friends.
Joe Kelly, Burnley, and the Ottawa Senators:
- The Dodgers had some sort of gala last night (here’s Joe Kelly on the blue carpet) and while none acknowledged on camera that they would want Joe Kelly on their side in a zombie apocalypse, we did get four things worth talking about: First, Shohei Ohtani feels most comfortable with Tyler Glasnow in a time of distress. Second, Yoshinobu Yamamoto feels most comfortable with Shohei Ohtani. Third, most of these guys think Brusdar Graterol would be the right choice because he’d kick the most ass, something Graterol seemed to echo when he said he would most enjoy eliminating zombies alongside Miguel Rojas. Elimination is the expectation. Fourth, Dustin May has evidently carved out the role for himself on the Dodgers as “guy who talks about zombie apocalypses all the time.” There’s always one.
- Burnley hosts Newcastle tomorrow, trying to keep the relegation wolf away from the door. Situation is: They need to pass either Luton Town, Nottingham Forest, or both. Everyone has three games to play. Nottingham’s got 26 points, Luton’s at 25, and Burnley’s at 24. Burnley’s last among the three in goal differential, the potential tiebreaker. This week, Luton’s hosting Everton this afternoon while Nottingham gets to go to Sheffield United tomorrow morning. Burn baby Burnley, and cross your fingers for some leapfrogging action.
- No notable Ottawa Senators news, but Belleville takes a 1–0 lead into Game 2 tonight against Cleveland. Win, and they only need to win one of the three games in Ohio next week to move on to the North Division Finals.
NASCAR, IndyCar, F1:
- IndyCar’s off this weekend, but NASCAR’s at Kansas, which has become one of the best tracks in terms of excitement value with the NextGen car. As of now, the weather’s looking clear for it. Sunday afternoon.
- Also in action is Formula 1, in the parking lot of the Dolphins’ stadium. I’ve heard very little about this race. This is a great sign. We probably shouldn’t declare victory yet, but F1 can go back to being this little European thing we know about and not some major phenomenon in America. Great stuff. Excited for Monaco in a few weeks, now that we know we don’t have to demean F1 fans for their inflated sense of self-importance. The market seems to be achieving that outcome again on our behalf.
Austin FC:
- A friend told me last night that he likes Austin FC more than he likes the Brewers, which sounds like a weird comparison now that I write it out. But! This friend is from Wisconsin. That is important context here. Anyway, Austin FC hosts Vancouver tomorrow night. Is Vancouver good? Nope. They’re an MLS team. But they might be better than Austin. Game’s starting really late. I wonder if Major League Soccer tries to offset home-field advantage by catering to the visitors’ time zone. (Update: I just realized, five days later, that I was reading the schedule wrong. I forgot that in soccer, the home team gets put on top.)
