“Heh. Andy’s dead.”
Such was the line from my dear friend Clay, peeing on the back of our mutual friend Jake in the middle of the night, thinking he was looking at our other mutual friend Andy.
It had been a busy New Year’s Eve. We were nineteen and twenty years old, we’d had a splendid time, and four of us—Clay, Jake, myself, and a fourth person who was crucially not our friend Andy—had made our way back across the neighborhood to Clay’s to spend the night. A few hours later, Clay had awoken, needed to use the restroom, and found a friend face down on the tile who, to be fair, looked a lot like Andy while face down on the tile. Clay, being a little sleepy (or something of that nature), turned his whole body to observe the creature. Unfortunately for Jake (not Andy, but how was Clay to know?), Clay did not stop peeing when he made this turn.
“Heh. Andy’s dead.”
It’s an iconic line for a lot of reasons (thankfully, Jake is often the best of sports), but mostly because of the joy it communicates at the expense of another. Andy, overserved to the point of making his bed on a bathroom floor? Delightful news to half-capacitated Clay. Even before the pee!
Anyway, it was a lot of fun on Monday night to see old enemy Andy Enfield lose a buy game against the basketball program that thinks it made Fort Myers famous. We’ll rank the buy game losses in a minute, but we wanted to lead with that. It brought us a lot of happiness.
“Heh. Andy’s dead.”
Ten Teams Who Could Win the NIT
We published the following list on Monday of teams who could win the NIT, and it’s outdated:
- Memphis
- Vanderbilt
- Notre Dame
- Clemson
- Wyoming
- St. John’s
- Illinois
- Loyola
- UAB
- Tulane
Why is it outdated? Well, Vanderbilt looked like shit against Memphis in Monday’s Game of the NITe, and not in the way of shit-looking that makes you say, “Man, that team could win the NIT.” So, we need a new team.
One candidate is Oklahoma. The Sooners lost on Monday to Sam Houston State, which isn’t entirely damning but definitely isn’t good. One non-candidate is USC. Andy Enfield, despite holding superior talent, lost to FGCU on Monday and while that might be enough to make the NIT, the implication regarding Enfield’s coaching is such that it’s hard to imagine this guy winning five games in a row in March. We’d consider North Texas, but something weird was going on with them and Southern Nazarene (and not in a good way). We’d consider Wisconsin, but I believe you have to earn it. We’d consider Penn State, but I’m not ready to get anybody hurt.
So, I guess it’s Oklahoma. There are other options, of course—more than ten teams can win the NIT, but keep that between you and me—but for now, Oklahoma’s our tenth. Scratch Vanderbilt, put in Oklahoma, this will make for a fun graphic someday.
The Worst Buy Game Losses
“The epitome of brutality,” according to beloved nutjob Jon Rothstein, is not the use of slaves to build World Cup stadiums in Qatar, but instead the act of losing a basketball game to a team you paid to come play you. I can respect it.
According to Rothstein’s Twitter account, there have been thirteen of these losses so far this year. Fourteen, technically, but Lenoir-Rhyne was an exhibition for Louisville and those guys are down bad enough already. We’re only ranking thirteen here. You can assume where Lenoir-Rhyne would land (because it’s an exhibition, it’s…ooh, wait, I almost ranked it).
13. South Florida lost to Southeast Missouri State
SEMO’s D-I, SEMO’s got a memorable-enough name that nobody knows how good they actually are or aren’t, SEMO plays in Cape Girardeau, which is also a cool name…basically, I don’t think this is that bad. South Florida losing to SEMO doesn’t turn heads, even if you’re someone who can score above 80% on a Sporcle quiz of D-I programs.
12. Boise State lost to South Dakota State
I’m surprised Boise State had to pay South Dakota State to play this game. That feels like one where at the end of the call, the Boise State AD said, “How does __ dollars sound?” and the South Dakota State AD almost expressed their shock aloud but kept it together enough to agree to be paid for something they were going to do for free. For that reason and that reason alone, this is a little worse than South Florida’s loss.
11. UCF lost to UNC-Asheville
Like SEMO, UNC-Asheville’s got name power. It’s not their own name power, it’s UNC’s, but it’s name power nonetheless. If you’re UCF, you just lost to UNC. Who knows which of the non-flagships are or aren’t good?
10. Temple lost to Wagner
The fact this isn’t that bad a loss isn’t good for Temple, but it’s where we’re at. I might be wrong about this, but given the way conference tournaments are covered, I wouldn’t be surprised if Wagner’s played more games of postseason relevance on ESPN these last five years than Temple has.
T-7. Kansas City lost to Lincoln, Cleveland State lost to Notre Dame College, Northern Illinois lost to Illinois-Springfield
These are all the same loss, which is a bad D-I program losing to a non-Division-I program. Doesn’t really do it for anybody. I guess the Cleveland State thing is funny because it was to “Notre Dame” (Clay once wrestled with a guy who may have gotten kicked off a college wrestling team—let’s throw an allegedly in here, to be safe—and ended up playing football at Notre Dame for a few weeks, but it was Notre Dame College, not Notre Dame), but it’s all effectively the same. It’s not, “Oh, that was a buy game?” It’s, “You have enough money to buy games? And you lost one to a D-II school? Whatever.”
6. Oklahoma lost to Sam Houston State
The thing about this loss is that it was close and Sam Houston State might turn out feisty. If it wasn’t opening night, it would have been way less noticeable. Also, it made them an NIT contender. Pretty great loss, tbh.
5. Cal lost to UC-Davis
In-state hits different. In-UC system hits even worse.
4. Rhode Island lost to Quinnipiac
This, like the Cal loss, is an in-state loss and is therefore bad. Unlike the Cal one, though, Rhode Island fans are involved in conversations about which is the best basketball program in the state. Now, Providence fans can say, “Well what about Quinnipiac? They should probably be second, right?” Unless Quinnipiac isn’t in Rhode Island. I really think Quinnipiac’s in Rhode Island, though. Oh shit. It’s in Connecticut. Well, maybe Providence fans don’t know that. Is there an Archie Miller joke in here?
3. Louisville lost to Bellarmine
After Lenoir-Rhyne, this doesn’t shock as hard, but there’s also a multiplicative effect, so call it even. Anyway, the really bad thing here is that Louisville basically gave Bellarmine their old arena a few years ago. That’s as big brother/little brother as it gets.
2. Florida State lost to Stetson
This one’s bad because I think Florida State fans had hope and that hope is now removed, and I’m not sure that was the case for anyone else on this list. If you’re a Florida State fan, you are seriously concerned about Leonard Hamilton’s program just two years after a nation sung his praises (well, the parts of the nation that care about ACC basketball). Also, there are in-state implications here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if most FSU fans don’t know Stetson exists and are unbothered to learn it’s in Daytona.
1. USC lost to Florida Gulf Coast
One somehow unmentioned part of this game is that FGCU is coached by Pat Chambers, who won that 2018 NIT that Enfield did so much crying about. Andy just keeps losing that tournament.
**
Viewing schedule for the evening:
8:00 PM EST: Southern Illinois @ Oklahoma State (ESPN+)
10:00 PM EST: Vermont @ Saint Mary’s (WCC Network)
Which is the Game of the NITe? I think it’s SIU/Oklahoma State, because I feel like there’s a weird Bruce Weber/Brad Underwood connection going on that’s sowing confusion. Maybe that’s a me thing.
8:00 PM EST: Central Michigan @ Marquette (FS2)
9:00 PM EST: Houston Christian @ Texas (LHN)
Is Texas better, or is the team of the coach they unfairly ran out of town better? It’s impossible to know so far. Each is 1-0.
