The College World Series starts today, and I’d argue it’s America’s fifth-coolest sporting event. The NIT is obviously the best, followed by Joe Kelly games, the Indy 500, and then I’ll concede that the Division Series rocks. After that, though, it’s the College World Series, right?
There is no better sporting event to make a destination of than this one. There is no sporting event people-who-like-sports should prioritize attending above this one. Unless you are a sick spirit who hates the Midwest (or you’re from Ohio/Michigan and don’t know that Omaha’s more Midwestern than you are), you don’t actually like sports (looking at you, NBA fans), or you have an allergy to sunshine (that sucks, I’m very sorry you deal with that), the College World Series is the best. It has the Indy 500 factor of being the best day of the year in a small/medium-sized city, but it stretches on for more than a week. It has the basketball-in-March factor of featuring Cinderellas playing for the love of the game, but it hasn’t been overrun by an occupying force hellbent on ruining the sport it organizes. It has the rap-battle factor of featuring more emotion than you will see anywhere else in the American sporting world right now, which is kind of wild to realize. For how much heat baseball takes for being too buttoned up, and for how “old school” college baseball is, college baseball players are a demonstrative bunch. These dudes have swagger and grit. The best combination.
Alright, you in? I’m not asking you to buy tickets this year (pencil it in for 2023 and react with exasperation if someone schedules a wedding over it). I’m just asking you to watch. Now, to help you get attached to a team:
Who to Cheer For If You’re a Liberal Elite: Stanford
See? Something for everyone. If you think the hicks between Oakland and Dulles Airport are ruining this country, go ahead and jump on the Stanford bandwagon. If you “believe in science,” which means you think everything is black and white in science and science doesn’t include basic economics, go ahead and jump on the Stanford bandwagon. If you like looking down at others, go ahead and jump on the Stanford bandwagon.
Who to Cheer For If You’re a Conservative* Elite: Notre Dame
Again, something for everyone. If you’re horrifically concerned with the trajectory of this country and both primary partisan tribes make you want to barf in your well-manicured rose bushes, Notre Dame is your team. You have to pay the entry fee, though. And you have to pay it in gold.
(*2014 definition)
Who to Cheer For If You’re a Teenage Baseball Player With Great Hair: Mississippi
Flow just looks better when it’s paired with that powder blue. The hats are red? Don’t worry about that. They’ll figure this out soon. Probably in time for your parents to buy you a hat for Christmas, by which point you’ll already have moved on to lacrosse.
Who to Cheer For If You Think the State of Texas Is Great and You Don’t Have a General Sense of Grievance With the World: Texas
Over the course of your life, have you more or less been satisfied with the planet you inhabit? Well, if you like the state of Texas, Texas is your school. The natural order works fine for these guys.
Who to Cheer For If You Think the State of Texas Is Great and You Have a General Sense of Grievance With the World: Texas A&M
Over the course of your life, have you generally been unhappy? Texas A&M is about that. If you like the state of Texas. Otherwise, you may want to consider one of these next two.
Who to Cheer For If You’ve Considered Becoming a Prepper: Arkansas
Northwest Arkansas has it figured out. Slightly mountainous. Far enough away from major population centers to survive a small-scale nuclear war. Enough samples at the Walmart headquarters in Bentonville to survive the fallout period. Splashpads for the kids. And oddly, it works both if 1) you would like to start a small cult and rebel against the federal government and 2) you like mountain biking.
Who to Cheer For If You Think It’d Be Fun to Tar & Feather Nick Saban: Auburn
Auburn isn’t exactly petulant, like Texas A&M, but they’re very much a middle child. Sometimes, this means they’re pretty laid back, used to doing their own thing, having fun while nobody pays attention to them. Sometimes, this means they’re doing things that will land them in jail.
Who to Cheer For If All of This Horrifies You: Oklahoma
The Sooners are fairly inoffensive, as far as collegiate sports go. Kind of shockingly, I think this might be the least racist fanbase this year, and there’s the added benefit that they aren’t a bunch of annoying libs. I assume nobody aside from affluent Oklahoma City suburbanites will support them, due to these reasons.
Joe Kelly Faces the Astros This Weekend
So that’s fun.
Also, has there ever been a series with more annoying managers than one featuring Tony La Russa and Dusty Baker? Undernoted element of that 2021 ALDS. Also of all those games between the Cubs and Cardinals while Dusty Baker was taking a bone saw to Mark Prior’s arm.
Aaron Rodgers’s New Girlfriend Has Great Vibes
I’m all in on Blu of Earth. It appears to literally be her job to have good vibes.
Color me conspiratorial, but I think Matt LaFleur may have created this woman in a lab, having studied what exactly his quarterback looks for in a partner. She is clearly not on board with at least 95% of humanity. She is clearly on board with hallucinogens. She clearly can take any input from the world around her and construct it into a cosmospiritual system centered entirely around someone close to her. She is perfect for Aaron Rodgers, and I wish them a lifetime of happiness as well as plenty of luxury box/field action split-screens on FOX where she’s meditating while he leads fourth-quarter comebacks.
Will Steph Curry Retire? No? Well, That Proves How Good the NIT Is.
Many of you have heard the rather simple logic of: Steph Curry dominates the NBA, Steph Curry dominated in the NCA* *********t, Steph Curry did not dominate the NIT, therefore the NIT is the best. Well, if you’re looking for a second piece of evidence, consider the following:
If Steph Curry’s NBA career is not an attempt to fill the unfillable hole in his soul arising from his NIT failure, why doesn’t he retire? He’s done all one could ask of him over a career. He has plenty of money. He’d get to spend more time with his family. If he doesn’t retire, and do it immediately, the message is clear: The NIT is on another plane of importance.
Checkmate.
Hey Stephen Colbert: Back Off
Noted Bush Administration comedian Stephen Colbert accused Frank Schwindel of not being a baseball player the other night after watching him pitch because the Cubs, despite their massive stash of decent mop-up guys (Has anyone else noticed how many guys the Cubs have who can be dominant for two or three no-pressure outings and then get rocked from that point until they retire?), made him pitch. Schwindel was publicly offended, but he did miss a layup. Colbert’s quote was: “I’m no baseball player, and neither apparently is Frank Schwindel.” Schwindel’s quote was, unfortunately, not: “I’m no comedian, and neither apparently is Stephen Colbert.” (and he should have pronounced it Bert, not Baire)
Someone let me write for Frank Schwindel.
Did Pierre Dorion Launder Evgenii Dadonov?
Evgenii Dadonov is on the move again, traded yesterday from Las Vegas to Montréal, further distancing himself from the problems Pierre Dorion allegedly caused (Was he cleared for this? I feel like he was cleared for this. Anyway…) by failing to report his no-trade clause details to NHL offices. As I said in that parenthetical right there, I don’t actually remember if this turned out to be Dorion’s fault, but I do like to imagine that our guy was doing this like a guy channeling a bunch of money through various fronts. With every move Dadonov makes away from Ottawa, the details of where he came from and what his contract looks like get murkier. As someone who has accidentally laundered a little money himself, I think this is why I love Pierre Dorion. This and the pizza picture. the man appreciates his cheese the way I appreciate my cheese: By way of its quantity.
Speaking of Canadian Financial Crimes…
F1’s in the greater Toronto area this weekend, whoops, Montréal! Forgot about Gilles Villeneuve. That’s better, in my opinion. Montréal is not at all more worldly than Toronto, but it feels more worldly, because it doesn’t speak English.
Expect a lot of focus on how badly Mercedes is injuring Lewis Hamilton by making him drive a car without shocks. Expect a lot of focus on Ferrari’s inability to keep cars functioning. In the end, though, expect something to happen that causes a blowup at Red Bull involving Max Verstappen, because we’re due for 1) something interesting and 2) something where Max Verstappen seems unnecessarily angry. I think Leclerc wins.
***
Viewing schedule for the weekend:
Friday, 8:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Astros (Apple TV+)
Saturday, 4:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Astros (MLB TV, second screen)
Sunday, 7:00 PM EDT: White Sox @ Astros (ESPN)
Joe Kelly with the muted picture of the Apple TV+ broadcast? I just got chills. Joe Kelly on Sunday Night Baseball? I want to know the active narrative from the worldwide leader so I can dispute it. Joe Kelly on a Saturday afternoon? Can watch that on the phone.
Friday, 2:00 PM EDT: Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma (ESPN, second screen)
Friday, 7:00 PM EDT: Texas vs. Notre Dame (ESPN, second screen)
Saturday, 2:00 PM EDT: Stanford vs. Arkansas (ESPN, second screen)
Saturday, 7:00 PM EDT: Auburn vs. Mississippi (ESPN2)
Sunday, 2:00 PM EDT: Friday loser vs. Friday loser (ESPN, second screen)
Sunday, 7:00 PM EDT: Friday winner vs. Friday winner (ESPN2, second screen)
Remarkably personal field for this blog on the Friday/Sunday side of the bracket. Fairly impersonal on the Saturday/Monday side, but we like Arkansas, we like Lane Kiffin and are neutral on Mississippi, we like Nico Hoerner but don’t like Stanford, and Auburn makes us vaguely uncomfortable. In case you wondered our exact feelings about the best athletic department in the Pac-12 and three athletic departments in the middle of the SEC.
Friday, 2:20 PM EDT: Atlanta @ Cubs (MLB TV)
Saturday, 2:20 PM EDT: Atlanta @ Cubs (MLB TV)
Sunday, 2:20 PM EDT: Atlanta @ Cubs (MLB TV)
I think Joe’s mentioned this, but no one we know who’s used our season tickets has seen a win from those seats. Fourteen people, eight games (I think), zero wins. John’s gonna move to the bleachers today and his dad, Dan, is gonna use one seat while Dan’s godson uses the other. Feeling good about the vibes. Really. I think the Cubs win today. Saturday and Sunday? Count on at least one utter blowout loss. Frank Schwindel’s gonna have to pitch again.
Saturday, 8:00 PM EDT: Lightning @ Avalanche, Game 2 (ABC)
*soft booing*
Sunday, 1:00 PM EDT: F1 Canadian Grand Prix (ABC, third screen)
*loud booing*
