The Women’s World Cup begins tonight, two or three days (time zones are wild, I cannot keep track of this tournament) of preamble matches leading into the first action of the tournament itself. U.S.A. vs. Vietnam. We couldn’t beat them with our boys, so fifty years later, we’re sending our women.
Here’s the deal with the Women’s World Cup:
It is the one sporting event every four years that the United States has to win. We may care about soccer less than any other country on earth, but we care about women’s sports more than pretty much all of them (and if others care, they sure aren’t doing a good job, because we’ve never finished worse than third in this thing and half the time, we’ve won it). We don’t have to lead the medal count at the Olympics. We don’t have to win the World Baseball Classic. Even the Basketball World Cup is fine to lose now that we’ve resigned ourselves to living in Nikola Jokić’s world this next decade. The Women’s World Cup, though? That’s one we have to win.
I don’t know where our camp is. I have been sleeping at night, not watching women’s soccer. I do know, though, that all three of our group stage games are in New Zealand. This is important intel. If you want to win a soccer game, it is vital that you know where it is being played. Auckland tonight, Wellington on Wednesday against the Netherlands, back in Auckland next Monday (or early Tuesday morning) against Portugal. New Zealand, I believe, only has two cities. This is why the second leg of Lord of the Rings was filmed there: One tower each. (No, I don’t know why the first and third legs were filmed there. I ask myself every day and I have yet to answer.)
I also don’t know who is our coach. This would probably be pretty easy to figure out, but I’m not doing it. Not yet. I’m going to turn on Fox at 8:00 PM this evening (8 PM Texas Time) and I’m going to learn about my country, just like millions of Americans have done for decades now. I do, however, know who some of the players are. And not just because that Sophia Smith Nike commercial was a little too scary during a nervewracking moment in the Cubs game this afternoon. I know who some of the players are because they are good, which hints at the correlated reason why I do not know who very many of the U.S. men’s soccer players are. Matt Turner plays for Arsenal? First of all, still not convinced his name is Matt, secondly, you mean to tell me Arsenal is respectable now? They had their best season in forever and it was an outright failure. Julie Ertz and Alex Morgan and Rose Lavelle and Megan Rapinoe if she isn’t retired yet and Dansby Swanson’s wife’s husband’s wife if she wasn’t injured would never stand for that. Not to mention Sophia Smith. (I want to be very clear here: The reason I don’t know more players is not because I don’t respect women’s sports. The reason I don’t know more players is because I do not pay attention to soccer if it is not entirely convenient for me to do so.)
So, yes. We’re a women’s soccer country. And dammit, we’re going to win this World Cup. (It’s going to be a big night for Vietnam jokes on Twitter, which means it’s going to be an even bigger morning for Vietnam jokes for USA Today readers when esteemed journalists who spent a lot of time, money, and energy getting their degrees are forced to round up tweets and probably threads and include them in a mashup entitled, “The U.S. Women’s team played Vietnam and the internet had jokes.”)
Aaron Rodgers: 2024 Thoughts
No, this is not about RFK Jr.
Aaron Rodgers implied today that he’s likely to play in 2024, saying, “The Jets gave up a lot for me, so to just play one year would be a disservice.” That should settle it. There is no chance that, after making such a clear statement regarding his intentions, Aaron Rodgers would mercurially waffle over his decision on whether to come back for another football season, ultimately commanding the attention for much of the sports world over multiple media cycles. There’s just no way he’d make us all watch Pat McAfee’s show three or four separate times expecting an answer on the future of his career and then also make us listen to him bro out with his buddy and shill that buddy’s health supplements expecting, again, an answer on the future of his career.
Nope, no Aaron Rodgers drama this winter. The guy is coming back. He’s given the Jets his sword.
Trade Idea!
Here’s a possibly dumb question: Can MLB franchises explicitly rent players to one another? Say the Padres decide to sell but want to contend next year. Could they give the Braves every one of their good players for these next three months, boxing out their division rivals’ pennant chances, and then take them back in November? They could still get some prospects for it, plus the benefit of not paying those salaries for the final two months of this year. Could the commissioner’s office veto this? Is there any mechanism in which the Padres could receive a guarantee from the Braves that they’d actually send the players back?
I would be a hit at the winter meetings.
No G-League for Flagstaff
Now that the Suns have changed ownership, not only are they promising a workplace culture free of racist slurs and other abuse, but they’re getting the G-League back! The two things everyone does when they buy a new house: Get rid of the old owner’s skeletons and reintroduce a G-League team. Expect the Commanders to add a G-League affiliate momentarily.
Unfortunately for American culture, this newest G-League squad is expected to play in the Phoenix area, continuing a disturbing trend in which rather than being placed in small, isolated places, the NBA’s minor league affiliates are setting up shop just down the road from the big boys. It happened in Fort Wayne, now it’s happening in Arizona. Put the team in Flagstaff! Have you seen how funny NAU home games look?
The Suns did used to have a G-League team. The old owner traded it to the Pistons, and look what happened. This is why you don’t disrespect your G-League affiliate. That team was named the Northern Arizona Suns, but the Northern Arizona Suns didn’t play that far north in Arizona. They were in Prescott, which is only at about five thousand feet, not seven thousand like Flagstaff. (Yes, I’m aware that “north” does not just mean “up,” but I use elevation as a proxy for location in Arizona because one time I drove down the mountains there late at night listening to The Killers and I felt like I was a Georgia Bulldog with a sweet NIL deal.) This new G-League team was a chance to right that wrong, and to put the Suns’ couple of two-way guys at an elevation from which they could come down with super powers of which the Nuggets could not dream. Instead, they will be somewhere which probably shares a parking lot with a Safeway. For shame.
