When I moved to Minneapolis in the winter of 2017, the first thing I hosted at my apartment was a Daytona 500 party. I picked up KFC. I picked up moonshine.
Because of Minnesota’s then-draconian liquor laws, I needed to plan ahead more for the moonshine, and it was a good thing I did. At the liquor store across the street, a slim, short man in a tailored vest scoffed at me through his well-trimmed facial hair, telling me to “Try Wisconsin.” Thankfully, Chicago Lake Liquors came through. I bought six big mason jars of moonshine. Each the equivalent of a fifth. You know. In case people liked it.
People didn’t dislike the moonshine, but people did have work the next day, and most guests had driven to the gathering. I was left with five jars of moonshine. Inevitably, this led to a disastrous performance at the family Fourth of July gathering five months later. Intending to share my moonshine but finding my family had no interest in being shared with, I drank an entire fifth of moonshine myself that afternoon, downing the heavily sugared whiskey derivative over a two-hour span on a pontoon boat. Upon returning to the dock, I relieved myself in the lake while catching up with a neighbor, then managed to wriggle past my drunk–but–less–drunk brother to reach the Coors Light cooler, which I can only assume is what did me in. They’d tried to cut me off. I was un-cutoff-able. I’m sorry—I thought it was a party.
That afternoon ended with a bang. Specifically, the bang of my face upon the softly-carpeted stairs which led to the family guest room. This disrupted dinner, partly because I stayed down. (In my defense, that carpet is quite soft.) I was late to the fireworks party, and everyone was much more sober at the horsetrack the next day than we otherwise would have been.
Did I swear off moonshine in the wake of that event? Kind of. The other four jars became a last–drink–of–the–party, the thing we’d have when we ran out of other things to drink. The last sip met its end the weekend before I moved to Texas. Since then, I have not had moonshine.
Is it time to return? NASCAR’s All-Star Races are at North Wilkesboro Speedway this weekend, that little half-miler in the hills of Carolina which Dale Earnhardt Jr. helped resurrect back in 2022. North Wilkesboro is in the heart of moonshine country, the fertile nooked-and-crannied region which gave NASCAR its birth. This is the same North Wilkesboro Speedway where construction crews found a probable moonshine cave this March. Ryan McGee published a fun story about it on Wednesday. I read it last night. I’m in the moonshine spirit.
I really shouldn’t.
The liver panel on my bloodwork was a little funky when I last went to the doctor.
I’m not doing anything social for the All-Star Race, nor did I even intend to watch it until I was reminded of the moonshine cave.
But man.
It does sound fun to choke down half a noxious, syrupy cup of imitation hooch and discover the other half-cups are no longer noxious.
Maybe next weekend, for Memorial Day.
I got really drunk for Memorial Day Weekend in 2017 too. That’s when I was Raw Potatoes Guy.
Scottie Scheffler Finally Arrived
You could say Scottie Scheffler arrived at the Masters, pulling away with such dominance down the stretch amidst a searing run of tournament victories. But at that point, he was really boring, and in a bad way. We believed the stories that he was a great guy, and golf definitely doesn’t need more douchebags, but there wasn’t enough there to set him apart from some video game athlete the CPU generates when you’ve simulated 50 years into the future.
There’s plenty there now.
And now, the boringness is an asset.
Because on top of how outrageous the situation was in the first place—the best golfer in the world hauled off in handcuffs before his second round tee time at the PGA Championship, all because of what appeared to have been a traffic violation in a confusing moment in the dark and the rain—Scheffler handled it exactly as you’d expect him to handle it, based on how he’s been advertised. He complied. He (from what we know) didn’t ask the cops, “Do you know who I am??” In the aftermath, when he finally addressed things publicly, he was matter-of-fact and graceful. In between all of that, he shot a 66, pulling within three shots of the lead.
The rap on Scheffler is that he’s a good guy who plays great golf. This was exactly who he’s been advertised to be, but in a hilarious, legend-building way. Great moment for the PGA Championship, which we’ve enjoyed ripping a little this last month and a half for being so much less cool than the other majors.
Paul Skenes Might Be Good
It was a bad day yesterday for Paul Skenes’s haters, one of whom is me. Do I have a good reason to dislike the guy? No. Do I have a bad reason? Not really. My only shreds of an angle were that he was overrated and that he deserted the American armed forces, but the second one is weak (I think the military academies expect some level of transferring) and the first is looking wrong. So far, Paul Skenes has been very good.
Ideally, yesterday was a product of Nico Hoerner being out of the Cubs’ lineup yesterday and nothing more. Dansby Swanson, too. Swanson was gone last weekend as well, but the Cubs did fine against Skenes last weekend. Put just enough pressure on him to chase him early, then broke through once he was out of the game. Yesterday? Yesterday, the Cubs gave Skenes his best professional start against any team, including those he faced in the minor leagues.
Where we’re left, then, as a Paul Skenes-hating society, is here: Either our Skenes take was wrong, or the Cubs were really bad yesterday. As a Cubs fan, neither is a good situation.
Fit Check: Hockey Worlds Referees
What is this? Why is there a crest on that man’s helmet? Is that a camera?
Refs always look silly, and the prominence of the advertisements only makes them sillier. But while the ads are understandable, the helmet is not. It would have looked more normal to strap a go-pro to that guy’s forehead.
Etc.
Chicago:
- So, uh, is Hoerner going on the IL? Or do the Cubs have a rule where one of he and Swanson has to be at least technically active at all times? Also, I didn’t appreciate Craig Counsell acknowledging that Kyle Hendricks has been bad. We all know that, Craig. Chicago’s a baseball city. Not your job to point these things out.
Joe Kelly, Burnley, and the Ottawa Senators:
- As implied above, hockey worlds are going on, and Brady Tkachuk is Team USA’s captain, which is a good look for the Sens. Are the Sens America’s team? Because Jake Sanderson and Shane Pinto are also rostered, and Pinto was one assist off the tournament lead before games this morning. The Americans play Kazakhstan tomorrow. Ridly Greig and Canada have clinched a quarterfinal spot, but play Switzerland tomorrow as seeding continues to work itself out.
- Burnley’s in action tomorrow against Nottingham Forest, closing out the Premier League season with relegation already secured. Do the lads go gently? Maybe. The thing to remember here is that going violently might be more likely in a losing effort. Game’s at Turf Moor.
- In Burnley offseason news, the team opted into Josh Brownhill’s one-year extension but still might sell him, while Jack Cork and Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson are going to move on. In the Championship, Leeds and Southampton will play next Sunday to see who gets to hang out with Burnley next year and who has to go to the EPL.
- Joe Kelly’s still on the IL (thanks a lot, Rob Manfred), but we do have some news: Evidently he did the EdgeWalk on the CN Tower when the Dodgers recently went to Toronto. Shades looked good.
NASCAR, IndyCar, F1:
- Indy 500 qualifying’s this weekend. I would make a joke about how chugging a glass of milk is part of the process, but it might be part of the process. I consider myself a loyal milk person, and even I cannot keep track of all the milk-based happenings which surround the Indy 500.
- In addition to celebrating moonshine (all NASCAR races are a celebration of moonshine), NASCAR’s trying out a softer tire this weekend, following the accidental good racing at Bristol when the tires all fell apart. Unfortunately, they’re not doing this as a blanket approach—they’re doing the gimmicky “option” tire thing, where teams can choose between tires—but it’s something, and with short tracks being what they’ve been with the NextGen car, it could make things palatable again on that front.
- F1 is in Bologna, and that’s a good place for F1. When F1 goes to Europe, it feels cool and old and foreign. Also, putting this out there: I am available for the McLaren bandwagon. If LIV and the PGA Tour can reunify but not reunify, then I can make an empty gesture towards all those bros I made fun of for pretending to be sports fans when really, they just like Netflix. (Regular reader who loves Lando Norris, this does not include you, I swear. You know who you are.)
Austin FC:
- The Verde (El Verde? Los Verdes? La Verdad?) split with the other Texas teams this week, which is very disappointing and also something I didn’t know until this morning. They host Kansas City tonight. If the standings are to be believed, Kansas City is bad.
