It’s today. Today is today. Today is the day. Today is our day, friends and family and those who previously fit neither category but now fit both due to our shared love of Joseph William Kelly Jr., who is—as of today—a relief pitcher for our Chicago White Sox.
Look. I didn’t pick the White Sox. I have my issues with Tony La Russa. I have other issues (both with them and just issues), but now is not the time to pick fights. That’ll be tonight? Maybe? Man, imagine if Joe Kelly started a fight in his first outing of 2022.
The point is: Joe picked the White Sox, and as Joe Kelly fans, we now want what’s best for our guy, which is to hold this team together while they dance all season long with the prospect of implosion, ultimately firing La Russa, naming Joe Kelly manager (and GodKing, a previously unheard-of role in baseball dugouts) and marching to a World Series under the newly rebranded name, “The Chicago Joe Kellys” (if this happens, I will renounce the Cubs [and also crullers, just in case the Chicago Joe Kellys are rivals with crullers as well]). Once there, the manager/GodKing will make the right decision for his team, opting to throw 36 consecutive immaculate innings before devouring the World Series trophy in one bite, spitting it out as a fully-formed caricature of Rob Manfred (in the buff with a lopsided butt, of course), looking at the commissioner, and saying, “How’s that for a piece of metal?”
Wow. Hadn’t really spelled all that out before. This is gonna be one heck of a season.
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Ok, everything else today:
Speaking of No Guarantees
William Byron thought he had a win. Then, he got bump and runned. Bumped and run? Joey Logano hit him. Sent him into the wall. Logano took the win. Here’s a video of the move.
It’s pretty standard stuff at tracks of Darlington’s length or shorter, and Byron did check up, and Byron had squeezed Logano into the wall earlier in the race, but: We are not a blog to defend Joey Logano. So my personal complaint? He should have hit Byron harder. Harder enough that they both lost. Seems like the only fair solution.
Speaking of No Guarantees, II
Yesterday went ok for Burnley, as Everton won but Leeds lost. Burnley’s somewhere around 50/50 to get relegated now, which is about as no-guarantees as you can get. Hopefully they pick the 50 where they don’t get relegated. Even harder with the numbers identical. Guess that’s why 50/50 raffles are so electric. How do you guess the right numbers when they’re all just the number 50?
Speaking of No Guarantees, III
Pierre McGuire (bald dude who looks like my high school calculus teacher/Scholastic Bowl coach [Fox Valley Conference champs, 2012] but was a hockey analyst and then worked for the Sens and now is a hockey analyst again, presumably, and oh crap I gave it away) got fired. After eleven months in one of those jobs where the name means nothing (the name is so meaningless that I can’t remember it even when I just looked at it, but it did have “VP” as two of its letters, so you know he got a good severance package), McGuire is out. Who fired him? It’s unclear. The Senators kind of don’t have an owner right now. (But the senators do, am I right, fellow citizens concerned about the influence of lobbying upon American politics and thereby, or perhaps this is more effect-and-cause but here I am saying it anyway, on society at large?)
The firing of McGuire was most jarring because it reminded us McGuire, inexplicably told not to talk or choosing not to talk, was working for the Senators. The firing of McGuire was second-most jarring because it showed us Senators employees can still get fired, which means general manager Pierre Dorion has to be stress-eating Gabriel’s Pizza tonight instead of stress-free-eating it, which is what indications indicate he does most other nights (Pierre Dorion, you can post a losing record every year, and as long as your players have good vibes and you treat others with respect I will forever love you for the Gabriel’s Pizza picture). Evidently there’s a board? This is baffling. Although maybe I’m just being a chauvinist and Eugene Melnyk’s daughters—19 and 23—are running things efficiently and effectively. In the event they aren’t, and it’s just a board (as the rumor has it, and possibly reports too, I cannot be bothered to look for attribution on such things), now would be a good time for me to pull a coup. A Stu coup. First move once installed? Try Gabriel’s Pizza. Is it good? I hope it tastes terrible. I would eat so much of that pizza if it tasted bad.
F1 Was Meh
Couldn’t no-guarantees this one.
The F1 hype was great and the race itself was not, which really does perfectly sum up American Formula 1 fandom as a phenomenon right now. All these people went and hung out in the Miami Dolphins’ parking lot all day, saw a bunch of celebrities, were told something cool was happening, saw nothing cool happen, then walked away thinking they’d seen something cool happen because they expected to see something cool. I really need to rename this blog “Money-Generating Website.” Expectations, it seems, are everything.
On a more serious note, having a grand prix in Miami remains a great idea, and the fact people liked that series of exhibition laps so much is a tremendous sign for the sport here in the States, which is fun. Just need to get the street course to actually be in Miami. #NoParkingLots.
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Viewing schedule tonight:
8:10 PM EDT: Chicago Joe Kellys vs. Cleveland Guardians (Regional TV)
What if Joe Kelly enters this game tonight and peace immediately descends upon Chicago? No more murders happen. Forever. How cool would that be?
Either way, we’re witnessing history in just a few hours. Maybe. The bullpen actually is lined up to be pretty fresh, but Tony La Russa also seems keen on using his new toy. Man. Am I going to defend Tony La Russa before this is all said and done?
7:30 PM EDT: Celtics @ Bucks (TNT, Second Screen)
Sorry, time traveling a bit, but you think I’d miss historical NIT figures as rich in their cultural contributions as Bobby Portis, Derrick White, and Juwan Morgan go at it? Fat chance, buckaroo. Fat chance. Juwan Morgan was on the Tom Crean team. Derrick White put up 30 and lost to Tacko Fall. Bobby Portis had a double double in every NIT game he ever played, and he played more than one NIT game.
9:30 PM EDT: Avalanche @ Predators (ESPN, Second Screen)
I only have ten minutes of this one before I have to flip over to the Cubs so I can boo them too, but I’m gonna boo the Avalanche for those ten minutes. I seriously had to semi-arbitrarily pick the one good team in this thing to hate? Gelo has never been part of this grave a betrayal. Not even in the pilot episode of The Office.
9:40 PM EDT: Cubs @ Padres (Regional TV, Second Screen)
If screens work the way I hope they do and am repeatedly told they don’t, Tom Ricketts is going to hear my wrath. This team is so bad, and now they’re sending Frank Schwindel back to the Big Leagues one day after demoting him? Jed Hoyer, you’re now getting booed through the screen of a laptop that cost $199.99 (plus tax but I did get 5% off with my RedCard™). You did this to yourself. I’m gonna wake up my neighbors booing you in lieu of a seventh-inning stretch.
9:30 PM EDT: Flames @ Stars (TBS)
Ok time traveling a bit again, but I watched a little of this series the other night and evidently both teams have agreed to just beat the shit out of each other, so as soon as Joe Kelly’s done I’m popping this bad boy on and getting some catharsis. If I can’t legally wallop a stranger (and do it on ice, WITH A STICK), at least somebody else can. Must be the international thing. Maybe you’re allowed to beat each other up (and do it on ice, WITH A STICK) if one of you is foreign. Editor, please delete this. I am not Mark Wahlberg. Disavow. Disavow. Disavow.
