Joe Kelly got into the White Sox’ loss to the Astros last night, and while it was a White Sox loss, we don’t really care about that. We aren’t White Sox fans! This is a Joe Kelly blog!
POPOUT.
STRIKEOUT.
STRIKEOUT (against Jose Altuve, who didn’t even try to swing on the last pitch).
Joe Kelly’s stats against the Astros over the sum of his career actually aren’t very good. He’s got something like a 9.00 ERA against them in the regular season, an issue stemming from a pair of starts back in 2014 and 2015 that I’ve been unsuccessful in getting purged from the National Archives. This, of course, makes it even funnier that he thoroughly owns them. You can’t speak the words “Joe Kelly” in public without making a Houston sports fan charge you brandishing a bucket of tears big enough to fill the entire three-foot gulf between Alex Bregman and the pitch Joe Kelly allegedly “threw at Bregman’s head” the night of the face. They’re like the Death Eaters, except for instead of a genocidal wizard their king is a group of easily-offended dudes who made themselves villains despite playing in one of the most badass cities in the country, one which happens to have no likeable cultural rivals. Houston is cool. The Astros should have been a national favorite. Then we found out how they won (the one time they ever won anything), and then Joe Kelly sat them down and gave them a stern talking-to that left them texting their fellow seventh-grade-boys-with-expensive-haircuts about how their parents were being totally uncool, or whatever it is douchey seventh-graders say these days (we do have someone investigating this, but no answers yet). Now, Joe Kelly’s their dad. Sorry, losers!
It helps, of course, that Joe Kelly owned the Astros in 2018 as well as 2020. Few Astros fans seem to remember this, but the Joe Kelly-Astros history is older than the pee stain on the inside of Carlos Correa’s cup. In the 2018 ALCS, Joe Kelly was on his ascent from borderline playoff roster guy to go-to World Series reliever. He pitched three innings against Houston that series. They weren’t outrageous—3.00 ERA from ‘em—but they were key! Add in the foreshadowing from the 2017 Division Series, when Kelly shut the Astros down twice, and add in that the Astros have scored just one run against Kelly since the pout (the meaningless Carlos Correa home run last August, which is evidently the only thing any Astros fan has going for them in their entire life right now, based on how quick they are to bring it up), and I think we can all see the situation for what it is: Joe Kelly owns the Houston Astros. Joe Kelly brought the Houston Astros into this world. The Houston Astros are now chronically misbehaving. Which is why Joe Kelly has to teach the Houston Astros so many lessons.
More Baseball!
Baseball thoughts:
- The Giants DFA’d a guy named Steele Walker, then got beat by a guy named Stone Garrett, and I know Gabe Kapler’s a numbers guy so I assume they spent last night quantifying first name vibes and we can expect a San Francisco starting lineup by 2024 composed of guys named Brick, Cliff, Colt, Justice, and—improbably—Titanium.
- Josh Donaldson’s a racist, but Yankees fans still cheered his walk-off grand slam? Noted.
- Franmil Reyes has electric vibes and the fact Cleveland hasn’t combusted since cutting him is beyond puzzling.
- Last night, a Giants radio broadcaster taught his broadcasting partner how to play Wordle, live on the air, and the Dodgers TV broadcast included this:
I’m glad Nomar got to be a part of it. Need more Nomar around. In a couple years, when ESPN has inevitably cashed in on an A-Rod documentary, we should do a miniseries about Nomar called “Cooler Than the Alternatives” that shot-for-shot parodies either the A-Rod doc or “The Captain.” Did he do steroids? Maybe. Did he flop after being outrageously good to start his career? Yes. Is he still the coolest of the three? Unquestionably. Even more so, really.
Standings Check: Burnley
Alright, first off Burnley’s giving brief bans to season-ticket holders who stand too much during the games, which I hope just means that I don’t understand soccer and that it’s uncouth to not let the old people see. It all hinges on the net worth of the old people affected. If they’re rich, they should be watching from somewhere luxurious. If they’re middle-class, for God’s sake, fans, sit down and let them see.
Second off Burnley’s not where they want to be in the standings, after four matches (you’d like to average two points per match, ideally, if you’re looking to comfortably secure promotion) but they’re only three points off the pace, and among the five teams who’ve played in the EPL in the last two years (Watford, Burnley, Norwich, West Brom, and Sheffield United), they’re third. If they can stay in the top three of that group of five, they’re almost locked into the promotion playoff, and we can take that. Would be good content, if we’re being transparent here.
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Viewing schedule:
2:10 PM EDT: Astros @ White Sox (MLB TV, second screen)
Guessing Joe Kelly doesn’t get into this one, but you never know. I wouldn’t trust Tony La Russa with the nuclear codes. Let’s leave it at that so you can’t say whether it’s an alcohol joke or a dementia joke or just me being mean to Tony La Russa (who has long deserved to get bullied). Editor? Edit out everything after the word “that.”
3:05 PM EDT: Cubs @ Orioles (MLB TV)
The Cubs run into a vibe wagon. Kind of excited, to be honest. The Orioles have some mysticality going on.
