As we continue to emerge from our post-NIT daze, we’re into that stage of the year in which we look around and say, “What next?” I think this is an annual occurrence for a lot of start-ups, and while we aren’t really your typical start-up, we do technically fit that category, being a business both younger than four years old and trying to continue a frantic pace of growth.
There are a lot of logistical and strategic directions this question can go, and it does go there for us this year a lot of the times we ask it. Sometimes, though, it leads us towards a more philosophical place. The Barking Crow, some tell us, is too reasonable.
I suppose this makes sense. As the only blog on The Internet™ telling the truth about the hierarchy of college basketball postseason tournaments, we’ve staked out a reasonable place in the discourse by the simple virtue of nature and nature alone. Add in that we’re the only blog telling the truth about the greatest pitcher in baseball history (greatest athlete ever?) and, well, the challenge is clear. Here we are, stating basic facts, and the rest of the media industry is spewing nonsense and stealing our clicks. Apologies, then, for trusting the consumer. Apologies, then, for having faith that people wanted something real.
To be clear: We’re still going to be an NIT and Joe Kelly blog. In fact, very little is actually going to change around here. One thing that is going to change, though, is that I’m going to widen my eyes, put my face really close to a wall, and scream internally before I write these notes every weekday to make sure that I, NIT Stu, am bringing you the craziest shit my clearly-too-reasonable mind can produce. Let’s start with those fuckers, the Watford Watfords.
Burnley Needs to Beat Watford
If you’re new to Burnley, you might not know the situation, but basically Burnley’s trying to stay alive as a franchise in the face of a cosmic effort to make them a semi-professional footie club. “A town of 70,000 with green space between itself and the nearest population center should not have the greatest soccer team in all the lands,” the haters say. “The Packers already have that staked out with American football. Europe can’t copy America. The last time that happened, The Beatles became a thing and then John Lennon got shot.”
Well, it’s happened, haters, and Burnley—the Green Bay Packers of England, unless you’re a Vikings or Bears fan in which you can call them the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team of England, since we’ll assume you at least have some basic decency—is here. Unless they lose to Watford, in which case they might be fucked.
Watford isn’t the enemy here. Watford’s done their part. Watford’s getting relegated whether they beat Burnley or not. The enemy is Everton, right now, might be Leeds in a week but it’s Everton right now, and Burnley and Everton are engaged in a battle for survival that’s only really a battle for survival for Burnley. If Everton goes down, they’re a big enough brand in a prominent enough place that they’ll buy good enough players to climb back up. If Burnley goes down, the sands of time might win, and if Genghis Khan could reconstruct his own corpse, bring it to life, and tell us anything, it’s that you don’t want the sands of time to win. And what might make Burnley go down? Losing to Watford. Or even tying, possibly.
Burnley needs every point it can get, and it’s hard to find more accessible points than those found wherever in/around London the Fighting Watfords play. Yes, it’s a road game, but Burnley’s still playing Watford, and Burnley still needs to win. Tomorrow morning, let’s go get that victory. Tomorrow morning, let’s go shoot John Lennon. Or something like that.
Joe Kelly: Rehab Outing TONIGHT
Just kidding it’s Sunday. That was difficult to find and we’re on a no-backspace kick. On Sunday, the Charlotte Knights play a home game against the Jacksonville Buttholes (seriously, that’s their name, I don’t make the rules in Jacksonville, nobody makes the rules in Jacksonville) and Joe Kelly’s going to pitch at some point. The best-case scenario is that he throws 105 mph and strikes out the side on nine pitches. The second-best-case scenario is that he starts a fight. Chance of rain rises as the day goes on Sunday (how White Sox would it be to have controllable weather circumstances delay Joe Kelly’s Chicago debut), but currently looks like he’ll be out there, throwing gas and kicking ass. It’s also Homer the Dragon’s birthday, “his mascot pals will be in attendance,” there’s a birthday cake foam finger giveaway (no idea what that means beyond the foam finger part), and after the game kids are invited to run around the bases. Basically, this Sunday afternoon, Charlotte is going to be the littest place in America. It’s about time.
The Sens: Last Game TONIGHT
This one’s actually tonight. Sens play the Flyers on the road, I’ve requested that they kidnap Gritty (For content! But also to hurt him.), we’ll see if they get it done (to be clear, still love Gritty, but now that I’m a hockey fan it breaks my heart that he’s the mascot of another team). Lost last night to the Panthers but you can’t start a good 2023 Stanley Cup Championship montage without clips of disappointed fans in the Canadien Tire Centre. (Canadian? I’m still learning Canada spelling. Is the Canadien Tire Centre where the Habs play?)
Does Mason Ramsey Have College Eligibility (to Slay)?
Two things here: First, does Mason Ramsey’s status as a professional musician (and a consummate one, at that) preclude him from playing collegiate sports, and first and a half is that changed by NIL? Second, although Mason Ramsey is a man of morals and will probably have a nice, steady significant other in college, if he wants to imagine that kid’s college life. Wilt Chamberlain would blush.
Fixing the Dover Monster
NASCAR’s at Dover this weekend, and Dover makes you think it’s exciting by having a big statue of a monster crushing cars, but is it actually that exciting? The monster is only a statue. It’s never come to life and really started crushing cars. If I were the NASCAR Prince (I think I’d need a Cracker Barrel waitress to convince Richard Petty he’d fathered me for this to work, line-of-succession-wise), I would make them turn the statue into a real live monster that is me. I would then pick up Ty Gibbs during an Xfinity Race and give him a good shake. To send a message.
Josef Newgarden’s Bad for IndyCar
IndyCar’s in Alabama this weekend, and maybe AlabamaCar is what this sport needs to juice it up a bit. It definitely doesn’t need Josef Newgarden winning more races. Josef Newgarden is bad for IndyCar. His name makes me think he’s European (and he’s not!), he’s been around a while and I still don’t really know anything about him, and he refuses to drive IndyCar drunk even though I feel like IndyCar (on road courses, not ovals) might be the only safe place in the world to drive a little bit buzzed. The roads of our society are a terrible place to drive buzzed, because you can kill people. The ovals of stock car racing are a terrible place to drive buzzed, because stock cars are built to explode with maximum drama for cool slo-mo TV promotions. The circuits of Formula 1 are a terrible place to drive buzzed, because you have to be in possession of all of your faculties to understand the latest rule that just got made up. Throw back a Miller Lite and hop on in this weekend, Josef. Or don’t. If you’re too soft.
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Weekend viewing schedule:
Friday: Senators @ Flyers, 7:00 PM EDT (ESPN+) – second screen once Cubs come on
There’s no way anyone will believe you’re actually kidnapping Gritty. They’ll definitely think you just have your own Gritty costume or something like that.
Friday: Cubs @ Brewers, 8:10 PM EDT (Regional TV)
Remember That Weasel Craig Counsell™? He’s still 1) [redacted, we don’t threaten here] and 2) managing the Brewers, and the Cubs play those Brewers this weekend. I wasn’t there when my brother separated his growth plate as a 15-year-old pitcher, but I’m told the ball went flying off at a 90-degree angle, a.k.a. towards the dugout. I don’t think we should sacrifice Kyle Hendricks’s elbow, but I’m willing to give up that of Ethan Roberts. Sorry, Ethan. You do look ready to fight a grown man, though. You also look the least like an Ethan of any Ethan I’ve ever seen. Most Ethan’s really look like Ethan’s. It’s like people named Miles.
Friday: Grizzlies @ Timberwolves, 9:00 PM EDT (ESPN) – second screen, turn on after Sens
Are you an NIT fan looking to get your Desmond Bane and Jordan McLaughlin fix? Really? Holy shit you’re gonna love this game.
Saturday: Burnley @ Watford, 10:00 AM EDT (USA Network)
Underrated Burnley subplot is that they still haven’t hired a manager or named U23 Mike Jackson (I could’ve sworn his name was Mark this is throwing me) the official interim guy, I don’t think. People are criticizing it but making a guy manage ‘til he does badly is a great move. Ride the hot hand.
Saturday: Astros @ Blue Jays, 3:07 PM EDT (Regional TV)
Undermentioned by society is that Dusty Baker is a villain who once cussed at Joe Kelly then whined about Joe Kelly cussing at Carlos Correa. Seeing him probably lose to a Corvid team while hearing Canadians speak? Sign me up.
Saturday: Cubs @ Brewers, 7:10 PM EDT (Regional TV)
All I’m saying is that he’s got an expendable elbow.
Sunday: Chelsea @ Everton, 9:00 AM EDT (USA Network)
Looking for a…Chelsea dagger, if you will.
Sunday: Honda Indy Grand Prix of Alabama, 1:00 PM EDT (NBC) – second screen, on principle
I don’t care if it’s a dry county, Josef.
Sunday: Jacksonville Buttholes @ Charlotte Knights, 1:05 PM EDT (There’s an MiLB TV, Right?)
(Don’t forget to tell Homer happy birthday.)
Sunday: Cubs @ Brewers, 2:10 PM EDT (Regional TV) – second screen until Joe Kelly pitches then we turn IndyCar back on
I mean seriously guys just give up the elbow it’d be foolproof.
Sunday: DuraMAX Drydene 400 presented by RelaDyne, 3:00 PM EDT (FS1) – I am getting confused but this is outranked by Joe Kelly, the Cubs, and IndyCar if IndyCar manages to be exciting without milk for once
Don’t let my confusion over which screen to put this on distract you from how great a name this race has. There are somewhere between one and three sponsors for this thing and I cannot tell you exactly how many.
Sunday: Phillies @ Mets, 7:00 PM EDT (ESPN)
There’s always a risk that Max Scherzer will eat you if you don’t watch his starts.
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Sorry. Guess these ended up pretty reasonable after all. Will keep working on it. Have a good weekend and please do not shoot John Lennon or any John Lennon lookalikes.
