The other night, as I brushed my teeth, I turned on the Mets/Padres broadcast on my phone to see if Pete Alonso and Mark Canha would come around to score (fantasy baseball implication—Nothin Smelly Bout Joe Kelly is playing the Dunedin B1ow Jays this week, and the Dunedin B1ow Jays are hot), and the broadcast did the thing where it shows the batter’s stats for the day, and I said, “Whoa, Eduardo Escobar might hit for the cycle here! Eduardo Escobar, the same guy who famously knew the names of none of his teammates on the Twins back around 2015 or so!”
Then, I went back to brushing my teeth. He needed a triple, after all. Long odds.
But.
Lo and behold, Eduardo Escobar hit a ball which tailed towards the right field corner.
And.
Lo and behold, Nomar Mazara tried to catch it on the fly.
And.
Lo and behold, Nomar Mazara missed it.
And.
Lo and behold, the ball bounced away.
Cycle.
The thing was sketchy from the get-go. I turned on the game and immediately a player hit for the cycle? Sounds made up. Which is why I think it was.
The baseballs, as everyone knows, are messed up this year. They’re inconsistent. They’re being kept in locked rooms of varying humidity. They’re being altered to affect what happens once they’re put in play.
I don’t think we’ve acknowledged how intense this effort is.
What’s clearly happening—as the Escobar fly ball demonstrated—is that these balls have little unevenly-weighted motors inside of them which change the speed and direction of the rotation when controlled by someone with the buttons in a far-away MLB office, not unlike how you could control spin in the air on drives in many iterations of EA Sports’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour.
Additional evidence, beyond the Escobar fly ball? The Mets are good. And so are the Yankees. And for all the terrible things I have said and will say about Rob Manfred, Florida Men of his sort understand the importance of New York City in a sport.
CMA Fest: What Is It?
Per Mason Ramsey’s Instagram, Mason Ramsey will be around the Fan Fair at CMA Fest this Saturday in Nashville, available in the CMA Fest booth from noon to 12:30 and the Delta Airlines booth from 1:00 to 2:00. Will he be performing? It’s unclear. It’s unclear if performances even happen at CMA Fest or if the thing is just Pop Country-Con.
There Really Are Walmarts Everywhere
As we react to the news Rob Walton has bought the Denver Broncos (about which the only thing worth mentioning is that the Denver Post dude clamoring for Peyton Manning to join the front office makes me think the only thing Broncos fans want in life is to see their favorite quarterbacks in suits), it is worth learning, for those of us like me who hadn’t previously learned it, that Stan Kroenke is a Walmart. Really! He married Ann Walton. We assume that’s how he got most of his money.
I don’t know if this is comforting or not. The guy who tore the Rams out of St. Louis and tried to destroy European soccer with the Super League (also basically owns the Avalanche, just saying) didn’t earn his own money, but is that good? Did he court his wife with the explicit goal of one day attempting to ruin sports? I assume he did, and I still don’t know whether that incredible villain origin story makes me more happy or more sad.
Lightning Is a Force of Nature
We never said it’d be easy for the Rangers to save hockey and America, but we didn’t acknowledge that lightning is among nature’s most terrifying tricks, so just acknowledging that here. Imagine having to fight lightning. That sounds like the scariest children’s movie of all time, and/or a really awful Sharknado sequel.
Burnley Bits
James Tarkowski is evidently expected to end up at Everton, which is huge for the Toffees, who people might forget were a terrible team this year that deserved to get relegated and is also breaking the rules by losing far more money than is responsible and deserves relegation for that, too. Tarkowski will help on all fronts, by giving them a legitimate defender on one hand and by finally giving them the big name needed to draw revenue on the other.
Meanwhile, Ashley Barnes will be around another season at Turf Moor after Burnley exercised his option. Barnes, who hopefully isn’t an alcoholic but does have a DUI to his name and does always seem like he’s either a little bit drunk or about to be very drunk, figures to be essential in the Championship next year as a grown man competing against wee little boys.
Horns Up
Texas starts the national championship series tonight against Oklahoma tonight in softball, and let the record show that I have not written a single Bevo’s Fake Nuts asking if Oklahoma is Texas’s big brother.
That’s going to wait until (hopefully not, because hopefully Texas wins) next week.
Hook ‘em.
My Friend Knows (Knew) Derrick White
In case you don’t follow The Barking Crow on Instagram (in which case, what the fuck?): One of my buddies was friends with Derrick White when they were really little, which I think just means their moms were friends and they played like fiends when in each other’s presence. Derrick White went to my friend’s fifth birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Was a small crew, but definitely a good one. I like to think that little Derrick dominated some pop-a-shot game then pulled a worker aside and said, “One day, I’m going to score thirty points in the first round of the greatest basketball tournament in the world, and I’m going to do it against a team led by a 7’6” Senegalese man who is wildly entertaining.”
Celtics/Warriors tonight. Forecast is for a lot of rain from my friend’s childhood friend.
***
Viewing schedule:
12:35 PM EDT: Tigers @ Pirates (MLB TV)
Baseball’s nice in the background.
2:10 PM EDT: Blue Jays @ Royals (MLB TV)
But that Tigers/Pirates matchup sucks.
6:40 PM EDT: Mariners @ Astros (MLB TV)
This one’s going to the second screen fast, but I need to keep it around, because Dusty Baker’s back after serving his much-too-short suspension for general assholery and I’m a petty betch who loves drama.
7:05 PM EDT: Cubs @ Orioles (MLB TV, third screen)
I learned my lesson last night. This is going on the phone. Might even get bumped when Derrick White comes on the TV.
8:30 PM EDT: Texas vs. Oklahoma, Game 1 (ESPN)
I have bought in.
9:00 PM EDT: Warriors @ Celtics, Game 3 (ABC, second screen)
Alternatively titled, “When will the Celtics remember they have another NIT legend on this roster, put Juwan Morgan in, and wrap this series up?” (If you ever paid homage to Charles Entertainment Cheese with a young Juwan Morgan, we expect photographs.)
9:40 PM EDT: Mets @ Padres (MLB TV, any screen available)
I need to keep an eye on these guys’ balls.
