There’s a lot of buzz right now about the Miami Dolphins—definitionally a warm-weather team, because the water can’t be frozen—having to play in the snow and (mild) cold tomorrow in Buffalo. Lot of talk there. The snow is, by Buffalo standards, not forecast to be that bad: 18 to 24 inches, or roughly the distance between the tip of Josh Allen’s pinky and the tip of Josh Allen’s thumb. But it is, by Miami standards, quite a lot of snow. I would like to see a graphic of how much snow Miami saw in the last ice age, or in prior epochs, back when the land that is now Miami was on a different continental plate. (I’m talking the pre-Appalachians days, for those who know.) But whether I get that graphic or not: Lots of snow. By present-day Miami standards.
This has me, of course, thinking back to the last time there was a ton of snow in Buffalo and a football game schedule in Buffalo at the same time, which I’m told was just a few weeks ago. Six feet that time. Which is too much. Six feet of snow is irresponsible. Six feet of snow is where we get to asking our titular question for today: Is Buffalo inhabitable?
A good rule for whether you can live in a city should be whether or not you can play football there. Miami? You can play football in Miami. They do it often. Detroit? Again, always able to play football, it seems. That’s where they took the football when Buffalo couldn’t host. The South Pole? I’m unaware of any football happening there, unless there’s space in that weird dungeon labyrinth they built under the ice. Buffalo, meanwhile, lies somewhere between Detroit and the South Pole on this spectrum. You can play football there most of the time, but every now and then, you have to take the football to Detroit.
So really, since we all agree about the inhabitability question coming back to the ability or inability to play football in a place, I guess we have to call Buffalo semi-habitable. For purists, no, you can’t always play football there. But nobody likes a purist.
Joe Kelly and Andrew Benintendi: Reunited
You have to love what the White Sox just did (locking Andrew Benintendi up for five years) if you’re a White Sox fan. Which is odd. Because usually you love what the White Sox just did (whatever it was) if you’re not a White Sox fan.
The smartest part of this? Joe Kelly’s presence immediately makes Chicago a Benintendi comfort zone. Brock Holt was close with Benintendi in Boston, so I assume Joe Kelly was as well, so this is brilliant and sure to not fail. Also, this might happen again.
FCS Semifinal Vibe Check
First off: No, the bowl games happening right now are not college football’s equivalent of the NIT. Those will come. We’re still in CBI/CIT territory right now.
Secondly: Who’s got the best vibes?
At the moment, I’d rank the vibes as follows: 1) Montana State, who is pissing all over everybody and making no apologies (that’s the way to do it if you’re gonna be a pisser); 2) Incarnate Word, who just played the most exciting game of football ever and is losing their coach but is living for today; 3) North Dakota State, who is businesslike but also went 9-2 in the regular season which has to be hurting the self-esteem; and 4) South Dakota State, whom Holy Cross nearly ended. Mortally, I mean. Holy Cross almost made the state of South Dakota a one-school place. It was like a USD hit job.
The thing is, vibes change. Ask, I don’t know, Abe Lincoln. One week, you just won one of the biggest wars in history, the next week, you’re making an account of yourself before the lord. It really feels like the Dakota States are going to lay down the hammer. Which brings us to our real question: What if the Dakotas were one state? How good would Dakota State University, singular, be?
The New Racism
Idea, but we have to wait ‘til racism goes away: NASCAR and IndyCar fans should accuse F1 fans of racism. Because they dislike sports which race. Track and field could get in on it too. Cross country, speed skating…everyone who races should be calling F1 fans racists. Once we get past the O.G. racism, I mean. (I’m sorry everyone, now that I’ve thought it I’m not going to be able to go back. We will be making this joke.)
You Can’t Watch Burnley in Russia
From burnleyfootballclub.com, bolded caps mine, unbolded caps theirs:
If you can’t make it to Turf Moor, we’ve still got you covered with the game able to be streamed in ALL territories – including the United Kingdom – EXCEPT RUSSIA.
You can purchase a live video match pass HERE for just £10. Any queries should be directed to burnleytv@streamamg.com.
Much better stance on the conflict than that of FIFA, which wouldn’t let Zelenskyy speak. Also: It looks like they’ve been doing this every game (they haven’t let him speak once). Which makes me very suspicious of those in the “North American Burnley Fans” group chat who keep saying they can’t access the streams.
The New Bennifer
Mason Ramsey’s been courting Jenna Ortega (who’s playing Wednesday Addams in that show that has the most social media ads in the world [and unrelatedly is 25% older than Mason and not within the divide-by-two-add-seven appropriateness range, but shooters do shoot]) on TikTok. Keeps asking her to go to Olive Garden with him. The most recent one-sided exchange involved him offering salad to the person behind the camera, in response to a comment that Ortega is vegan. Game.
License Plate Bracket III
I swear it’s coming soon. It has to. I asked Santa.
**
Viewing itinerary for the weekend, thoughts on that itinerary:
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST: Dayton vs. Wyoming (CBSSN)
The Game of the NITe of the Weekend is going down at the United Center in Chicago, which seems like a fitting place for the greatest basketball in all the land. Michael Jordan, Dayton vs. Wyoming, only the best. Dayton and Wyoming are, more or less, the same team: Good year last year, high expectations this year, horrendous beginning to the season. They’re each among our patented Ten Teams Who Could Win the NIT™ right now, though Wyoming’s been flirting with an exit. Lose badly, and yeah, we might have to give the Cowboys the boot. But how could anyone really lose this game? We’re all champions tomorrow.
Saturday, 3:30 PM EST: George Mason vs. Tulane (untelevised, it seems)
Speaking of champions, the event at the United Center is called the Legends of Basketball Showcase, and it also includes George Mason and Tulane, the latter of whom is also among our Ten™, but mostly because their football program made the Cotton Bowl so Tulane Is Having a Moment™. Still, the basketball team’s the right level of good/bad. Could use a stirring win, but couldn’t we all.
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Texas A&M @ Memphis (ESPNU)
Memphis is trying to calm back down, as both the Preliminary and Current NIT Favorite™, and they’ve done good work to that effect, but losing to last year’s runner-up would make us as confident as confident can be. Would also probably stir up Texas A&M, who has to be fearing falling short for the second year in a row. It’s a long road, Aggies. Keep the faith.
Saturday, 9:00 PM EST: Oklahoma State @ Wichita State (ESPNU)
Oklahoma State is a recent addition to our Ten™, on the basis that they are Oklahoma’s twin and Oklahoma was in the Ten™ already. They play at Wichita State, which after trial and error finally found itself consistently in the NIT picture. That’s why you start an oil business in the 1940s that eventually becomes a conglomerate labeled by some as the second-largest privately held company in the United States. So you can finance a mid-major becoming a consistent NIT player.
Saturday, 2:30 PM EST: St. John’s vs. Florida State (Bally/MSG)
Florida State might be a trap. As in, they might kidnap and kill St. John’s this weekend. They’ve been playing the We Are Always a Trap Game™ angle so hard that it’s making us ask questions we’ve never asked before, such as: How does Leonard Hamilton stay looking so young?
Look out, St. John’s. You have room for error on our side. Just be careful down there.
Sunday, 5:30 PM EST: Notre Dame vs. Georgia (ESPN2)
Notre Dame is terrible. But they won’t always be. They’ll get better. That’s the Mike Brey way, especially with this eighth-year class or however many we’re going on. Look for that Lubin kid to start doing Bonzie Colson things, possibly as soon as tomorrow. Yes, the game’s Sunday, but stay away from open gyms in Atlanta unless you want your glass polished.
Saturday, 12:00 PM EST: Missouri vs. UCF (Bally)
Saturday, 12:00 PM EST: Wake Forest @ Rutgers (BTN)
Saturday, 12:30 PM EST: Providence @ Seton Hall (FOX)
Saturday, 2:00 PM EST: DePaul @ Northwestern (BTN)
Saturday, 3:30 PM EST: Toledo @ Marshall (ESPN+)
Saturday, 5:00 PM EST: Temple @ Mississippi (SECN)
Saturday, 6:00 PM EST: Utah @ BYU (CBSSN)
Saturday, 6:00 PM EST: San Francisco @ UNLV (MWN)
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Nebraska vs. Kansas Sate (ESPN+)
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Richmond vs. Clemson (ESPN+)
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST: Drake @ Saint Louis (ESPN+)
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST: Portland @ Oregon (P12N)
Saturday, 10:30 PM EST: Vanderbilt vs. N.C. State (CBSSN)
Sunday, 6:30 PM EST: Iona @ New Mexico (FS1)
Sunday, 8:00 PM EST: Colorado State @ Saint Mary’s (WCCN)
Could the early-season NIT jockeying be more intense? No. No, it couldn’t be. This is the most intense it could ever, ever be.
One last note about the Legends of Basketball Showcase: Vanderbilt/N.C. State is also part of that thing, as is Northern Iowa/Towson (which we didn’t list, but was a good bet by the event organizers). Now that I know the organizer has to read this blog (there’s no other explanation for these specific eight teams being the field), let me just say: Thank you. And Merry Christmas to you too.
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: Alabama A&M @ Illinois (BTN)
A little birdy (Joe) told me AAMU’s been looking undervalued lately in the betting markets. Just putting that out there. I’m salivating, Illinois. And it’s because of you.
Saturday, 3:00 PM EST: Central Arkansas @ Oklahoma (ESPN+)
Sunday, 4:30 PM EST: Southern @ UAB (CBSSN)
Two take-care-of-business games for two of our better members of the Ten™. Scottie Pippen revenge game? No, I don’t know what Scottie Pippen would be vengeful about regarding Oklahoma. I just assumed he was mad at everyone.
Friday, 8:30 PM EST: Creighton @ Marquette (FS1)
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Stanford vs. Texas (ESPN2)
Non-zero chance Marquette passes Texas in KenPom this weekend. If they do…believe me. You’ll hear about it.
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST: Texas vs. Louisville (ESPN2)
Moving on to volleyball, we’ve got a national champion in town. Potentially. Game’s up in Omaha, I have no idea what the line is or would be, I believe in the Horns. Hook ‘em.
Friday, 7:00 PM EST: Incarnate Word @ North Dakota State (ESPN2)
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: Montana State @ South Dakota State (ESPN2)
Should I wear the Carson Wentz Bison jersey or should Fargo wear the Carson Wentz Bison jersey?
Friday, 11:30 AM EST: Bahamas Bowl (ESPN)
Friday, 3:00 PM EST: UTSA vs. Troy (ESPN)
Saturday, 11:00 AM EST: Fenway Bowl (ESPN)
Saturday, 12:00 PM EST: Celebration Bowl (ABC)
Saturday, 2:30 PM EST: Las Vegas Bowl (ESPN)
Saturday, 3:30 PM EST: LA Bowl (ABC)
Saturday, 5:45 PM EST: Mobile Alabama Bowl (ESPN)
Saturday, 7:30 PM EST: New Mexico Bowl (ABC)
Saturday, 9:15 PM EST: Frisco Bowl (ESPN)
I’m trying this thing this year where I attempt to not know who’s playing in each bowl, and just call it by its most unsponsored name, even if that means going back to an old name. Then, I turn it on and see what I find. Most often so far, it’s shitty college football. I expect this to continue.
Saturday, 1:00 PM EST: Senators @ Red Wings (ESPN+)
Sunday, 2:00 PM EST: Senators @ Wild (NHL Network)
The vibe is that the Sens need to win one of these, and the hope would be that it’d be the one against the Red Wings, since they’re a divisional foe with aspirations of sneaking into the playoffs themselves. Tough on the road, but you’ve gotta steal one.
In more fun news: Sens/Wings is hockey’s next great rivalry. Look for a brawl. Look for Alex DeBrincat to be at its center. I’m telling you now.
Friday, 8:00 PM EST: Knicks @ Bulls (League Pass)
Sunday, 7:00 PM EST: Bulls @ Timberwolves (League Pass)
Goodness. The Legends of Basketball Showcase has a Friday night feature! More on the UNI/Towson side than Dayton/Wyoming, but beggars can’t choose. They can only beg louder or softer. Volume is the only independent variable when it comes to begging.
Also the Bulls play in Minnesota on Sunday. Do you think my brother’s going? Pack aren’t playing ‘til Monday, so his day should be entirely free, since having a seven-month-old child is no work at all. I’ll ask him. Might even report back. (Ok I asked him and he said no. Makes you wonder who’s running the show in that household.)
Saturday, 1:00 PM EST: Colts @ Vikings (NFLN)
Saturday, 4:30 PM EST: Ravens @ Browns (NFLN)
Saturday, 8:15 PM EST: Dolphins @ Bills (NFLN)
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Lions @ Jets (CBS)
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Cowboys @ Jaguars (FOX)
Sunday, 4:05 PM EST: Patriots @ Raiders (FOX)
Sunday, 4:25 PM EST: Titans @ Chargers (CBS)
Sunday, 4:25 PM EST: Bengals @ Buccaneers (CBS)
Sunday, 8:20 PM EST: Giants @ Commanders (NBC)
Thoughts on the parts of the NFL slate I care about:
- The Vikings are basically an underdog tomorrow against the Colts. Very real chance they become the first team to ever unclinch a division.
- The AFC North is devolving to its natural state, which is a bruisebath (blood’s too “sexy,” I’m told).
- The Dolphins are going to go Donner Party on themselves tomorrow night. Book it. Mike Gesicki’s flesh will be consumed on the sideline. Disgusting, but I don’t run Hollywood or Miami. I only run myself.
- The Lions can’t win this weekend, because there are only losers in the Meadowlands. No winners. Only losers and the occasional tie.
- The Cowboys have Vikings vibes. Everyone’s thinking it. Let me be the first to say it out loud (silently, in writing).
- I hope someone says the Raiders are trying to get their revenge on the Patriots for the Tuck Rule game. I wonder which Raiders fans feel that way when it’s suggested. Four percent of them? Forty? Did the Raiders lose a lot of fans when they left California?
- Titans/Chargers is fun because I always think one of those teams is way worse than they are and I always think the other is way better.
- I don’t mind them using a passing-the-torch graphic for Brady vs. Burrow, but I hope they make it outrageous. Have Burrow rip Brady’s heart out of his chest. (Again, Hollywood’s fault not mine.)
- The Giants and Commanders should tie again. As a bit. Also to help the Packers out? Friendly gesture. I don’t know if it’d help the Packers out (that’s the ? part), but the gesture would be friendly.
Saturday, 10:00 AM EST: Middlesbrough @ Burnley
Back at Turf Moor! I’m hyped. Hype? Hyped? Hype becomes me.
What we know about Middlesbrough is this: They’ve never been that good, but they’ve never been that bad. I think I’m seeing that they’ve only dropped to the third tier twice, and both times they got right out. This year, they’re solid. If I was picking teams to make the promotion play-off, they’d be among my four (along with Norwich, PNE, and Sheffield United, because I’m a Watford truther). Currently seventh in the table, but Blackburn’s falling any minute now, so basically sixth.
Middlesbrough’s nickname is just “Boro.” No character or color or other pluralized thing. I respect it a lot.
The city’s small-ish, on the River Tees (which is where England’s textiles come from) on the north edge of North Yorkshire. Kind of halfway between York and Newcastle. Kind of. Let’s call it the Greensboro of England. See? We love Boro. But Burnley’s gonna kick their bloody arse. (Is it offensive for me to use that? Because of cultural appropriation, I mean. Not because it’s foul.)
Saturday, 10:00 AM EST: Croatia vs. Morocco (FOX)
Sunday, 10:00 AM EST: Argentina vs. France (FOX)
The guy next to you, the stupidest person reading this: “If Croatia and Morocco are both the Burnleys of this World Cup, Burnley’s going to lose.”
You, not a complete and total idiot: “Burnley’s getting third place in the entire world.”
