Aaron Rodgers was out and about this whole time.
It turns out that the darkness retreat, which many of us (or at least I) assumed would happen over the weekend so as not to interfere with appearances on the Pat McAfee Show, isn’t happening until…today? It’s still unclear. Whenever it’s happening, Rodgers made it sound yesterday like it could be filmed, in which case I’m out. I was supporting the darkness retreat as a “you do you” thing, but if this is for entertainment, it’s no longer cool. Wanted to get that on the record in case I die in 25 years in a Joe Kelly-related firefight with Astros fans and one of my kids gets really into psychedelics after I’m gone but that kid’s also an influencer and that kid’s looking for guidance on what I think of darkness retreats. Until further notice, I support them when they’re unfilmed and I do not support them when they’re filmed. Now you know, Shaka Tim-Miles (Redacted) the First.
Now.
Does anyone know where the house is?
My plan is as follows: I’m going to sneak into the house where Aaron Rodgers is doing the darkness retreat. Once there, I will lie in wait for a day, consuming a stash of peanut butter pretzels and drinking water from a camelback and only using the bathroom when Rodgers is asleep (I’m banking on him assuming he’s hallucinating the smell, because no, I’m not flushing). After 24 hours, once I’m confident he’s starting to see and hear things, I’m going to tell him he’s the one who killed JFK. Then, I’m going to tell him he has to go back in time and do it again. If he doesn’t, the whole timeline will be messed up.
How does this help the Packers? It doesn’t. This is purely personal entertainment. I’m sorry. I know this is bullying. But sometimes I can’t help myself and I need to bully one of the greatest athletes of his generation. Consider this payback for his line about having his best grade of the season from Tom Clements after the Commanders loss.
The PFF Mock Draft Simulator Is Back
In terrible news for my productivity but great news for those CPU players I’ve been punking on the Spades game on my phone, PFF’s mock draft simulator is back up to seven rounds. I’m going to try to limit myself to one per day, but if it gives me a B+ or worse, all bets are off.
What’s Jim Boeheim Up To Now?
Jim Boeheim and Kevin Keatts got into it last night in the handshake line, but it sounds like Keatts was just mad about officiating. Keatts didn’t say anything like, “Hey, excited to see your washed-up ass back in Greensboro,” or, “Hey, you kill anybody lately?” (We don’t make jokes about Jim Boeheim killing a person with his car, but we do make jokes about other people making jokes about Jim Boeheim killing a person with his car. That’s our line.)
Shaka Smart: Not a Bag Man
Matt Norlander had a good little blurb on our guy Shaka Smart this morning, basically saying Smart saw the Nijel Pack deal with Miami and said, “Transfer portal, we will see you in 2026.” We already knew Smart wasn’t a bag guy—Greg Brown didn’t tip me on that Uber Eats order, nor should he have, his hustle for the first few months of that season was tip enough—but it’s nice to hear it straight from the legend’s mouth. Also, I didn’t realize Tyler Kolek had said “Fuck (the Big East media)” before the season. Technically only said “Fuck ‘em,” but both play. Love both messages there.
Mason Ramsey: Lunchables Guy
In a development which should surprise none of us, Mason Ramsey has 1) still got his swagger and 2) still got an affinity for Lunchables. Of course he does.
Joe Kelly Has Reported to Spring Training
We don’t have photo confirmation on this, but all indications are that Joe Kelly is at White Sox camp in Arizona. Biggest story in Glendale right now. Spring approaches.
The Sens Sens’d Again
Kevin Mandolese is a bad, bad man, and the Islanders were the latest victim of Ottawan trolling as the Sens stole a shootout win in New York. The fellas are still seven points back of a playoff spot, but they have three games in hand on the Caps and the vibes are good with the Hawks and Blues coming to Kanata this weekend. Unfortunately, when the vibes are good, they often become bad. Fortunately, the Sens don’t play tonight or tomorrow, so we can enjoy ourselves for the time being.
Fargo Got Sad
Are you a dog wanting me to pick you up as early as is allowed at “playcare?” Simply bark and jump and cry when I take the elevator back down to the car after dropping you off. This happened at 8:55 this morning and I’m still rattled. I don’t know why she was so upset. I’m coming back, girl! I’m coming back! You love playcare!
Is My Refrigerator Running?
Another half-gallon of milk spoiled this morning far before its expiration date (I drank half a glass anyway before giving up on it), and I don’t know what’s going on. I turned the fridge down another degree or two. Hopefully that helps. Am I just taking too long to drink my milk? I’ve been drinking chocolate milk instead of eating baked goods but that’s also cut into my non-chocolate milk consumption, so maybe that’s contributing. Maybe the regular milk is sour emotionally because of its jealousy and that’s manifesting into protein coagulation? Why is everyone around me so upset.
It’s Daytona Week
The Daytona 500 is Sunday, and we’re warning you now. We will not have our shit together regarding most things on this site, but we will be previewing and following the Daytona 500, and we will be, as the children say, hype.
Burnley: Green Bay or Philadelphia?
So as we mentioned yesterday, Burnley took a tie at home against Watford in a game they should have won, partially because Aro Muric went Leroy Jenkins on a ball and partially because people started the talk about whether Burnley could set the Championship’s record for points. Both those things are fine—Muric sending it works out more often than not, it’s good to get Burnley out there as a potential record-setter in case of events exactly like these. Sure, you might jinx the Burnleys by talking about it, but the Burnleys might also just jinx themselves by being the Burnleys, and it’s better to have the narrative be, “Remember when Burnley played six incredible months of Championship soccer and then faded?” than “Burnley finished in second place and regained promotion to the Premier League in 2023. Nobody remembers anything from that season.”
Anyway, what we really want to talk about is whether Burnley is more like Green Bay or like Philadelphia. Malcolm Jenkins said last week that Burnley fans remind him of Philly fans, which is about the highest compliment Burnley could receive. Burnley itself, though, as a town, has always made me think of Green Bay from how it’s described (I have never been to Burnley, I’ve just cursorily and semi-ironically followed its football club for the last four years in, like most things around here, a joke that became deathly serious). Which is it, then? Maybe it’s a Green Bay inhabited by Philadelphians. Maybe that’s just Scranton.
**
8:30 PM EST: Kentucky @ Mississippi State (SECN)
DID YOU KNOW: Chris Jans, Mississippi State head coach, came from New Mexico State, whose program is now effectively dissolved for the time being after a hazing scandal and an early-season alleged self-defense killing up in Albuquerque. He only left Las Cruces this last offseason.
DID YOU ALSO KNOW: Mississippi State lost five straight then won five straight. The back half of that has put a major dent in their NIT hopes.
DID YOU FURTHER KNOW: This is the Game of the NITe, and Kentucky must not win it. Jans, I may regret saying this, but create a problematic culture if you have to. We need this one from you all.
9:00 PM EST: Arkansas @ Texas A&M (ESPN2)
9:00 PM EST: Indiana @ Northwestern (BTN)
Texas A&M and Northwestern are trying to flee us, but #RealOnesKnow that bubble teams playing at home have next to nothing to gain as they attempt to give us the slip. We’ve given our dogs the scent. (Also, high potential for a player fighting the crowd in College Station. Keep an eye on that. Extremely low probability in Evanston. There must be a crowd for you to fight someone in it. Unclear if Northwestern will have to open the upper deck or not.)
10:00 PM EST: Boise State @ Colorado State (FS1)
11:00 PM EST: Oregon @ Washington (ESPNU)
We’ve got a pair of big ones in the late-NITe slot out in the Pac-12 expanded universe. Great and attainable loss opportunities for two NITitle contenders. Godspeed, you handsome horses. (and Ducks!)
6:30 PM EST: Mississippi @ Florida (SECN)
7:00 PM EST: Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech (ACCN)
7:00 PM EST: Cincinnati @ East Carolina (ESPN+)
7:00 PM EST: Florida State @ Clemson (ESPN+)
7:00 PM EST: VCU @ Rhode Island (ESPN+)
7:30 PM EST: UT-Arlington @ Sam Houston State (ESPN+)
11:00 PM EST: San Diego State @ Fresno State (CBSSN)
Assorted NIT candidates playing basketball, San Diego State is a stretch, Clemson might be a stretch soon but in the opposite direction, etc.
10:00 PM EST: UC-Irvine @ UC-Santa Barbara (ESPN+)
UCSB tries to put away the Big West in front of the first home crowd at the Thunderdome since the one on Saturday that got to see a fight.
7:00 PM EST: Furman @ The Citadel (ESPN+)
7:30 PM EST: UNC-Greensboro @ Samford (ESPN+)
Huge evening in the SoCon as well, with all three of the league’s first-place teams in action. Furman’s just gotta take care of business at The Citadel. Surely, that will be easy……….*military march played haltingly in a minor key*
7:30 PM EST: Evansville @ Belmont (ESPN+)
8:00 PM EST: Indiana State @ UIC (ESPN+)
8:00 PM EST: Missouri State @ Bradley (ESPN+)
9:00 PM EST: Drake @ Northern Iowa (ESPN+)
Wowza. The situation in the Missouri Valley is that Drake and Bradley are tied at 12–4, Southern Illinois (who’s idle this evening) is at 12–5, and the Indiana State/Belmont pair is at 11–5. A five-way tie is on the table, as is this becoming a three-horse race, given there are only three games left for each of the five after toNITe (Bradley plays SIU during the Daytona 500 on Sunday, make your viewing plans now).
7:00 PM EST: Xavier @ Marquette (CBSSN)
Big one for our guy.
7:00 PM EST: Bulls @ Pacers (League Pass)
The Bulls are in Indy tonight, DeMar DeRozan’s out, NIT Stu learned today that the first-round pick going to the Magic is top-four protected, which doesn’t mean anything but briefly made me hope it meant something before I looked at the standings and saw where the gap lies.
8:15 PM EST: Daytona 500 Qualifying (FS1)
The action at Daytona tonight determines who starts on the front row on Sunday and also the order for the duel races tomorrow night (which will determine the rest of the field and starting order for Sunday). Not a must-watch, but if you’re wanting to be the guy at your Daytona 500 party (if you aren’t having one you better plan that immediately) who can tell which car is which at a glance, this is your chance to get to know them. That’s a big skill to have. It is hard to tell cars apart. Especially in the first race of the year after everybody changed cars in the old switcheroo. (This pranking is why they call is Silly Season.)
