My favorite baseball team is the Chicago Cubs. Sometimes I make that a little confusing, because I am among Joe Kelly’s biggest fans (yes, probably the biggest, but if you say you’re the biggest you leave yourself open for unnecessary attacks). Sometimes I make that more confusing, because I like to make fun of the Chicago Bears (who are in theory merely a larger version of the Chicago Cubs, something which never sounded more accurate in recent years than it did at 9:03 PM CT last night). I am, though, a Cubs fan, raised on the dulcet tones of Pat Hughes and the garbled hollering of Ron Santo. I love the Chicago Cubs.
This is creating some problems.
For one thing, after Seiya Suzuki dropped that fly ball last night, I stared at a blank space on my wall and said out loud, “Life is the worst thing ever.” I cursed the proteins which linked in the ancient oceans. Volcanoes and sulfur for me, I said.
For another, three scenarios await the Cubs from here, and two of them are troubling.
The first scenario is that the Cubs miss the playoffs. This would, for obvious reasons, hurt. To spell out those reasons: It really looked like the Cubs were about to wrap up a playoff spot a few weeks ago.
The third scenario is that the Cubs make the playoffs, earn the 5-seed, and play the Phillies in the Wild Card Series, followed by—if the bullpen resurrects itself and everyone else also does their job—the Atlanta Braves in the NLDS. This isn’t a bad scenario. This is the good scenario. This would be great. It is fairly unlikely, though, with the Diamondbacks playing good ball against bad teams. (I tried cheering for the White Sox to beat them today, and I had no trouble wishing good things upon the White Sox, it was simply impossible to do the cheering because it required believing the White Sox might win.) The Diamondbacks do play the Astros this weekend, but the Astros have recently lost series to the Royals, the A’s, and the Royals another time. You are what you eat, and for the last two weeks the Astros have eaten shit.
The second scenario is that the Cubs make the playoffs, earn the 6-seed, and play the Brewers in the Wild Card Series, followed by—if they have enough players left with heads after Craig Counsell tells his pitchers to let the Cubs know what baseball-sized hail feels like—the Los Angeles Dodgers. This is a bad scenario. I really do not like Craig Counsell’s Milwaukee Brewers, and I have made that a little too clear to a few too many Brewers fans with whom I speak regularly. It’s not that they would talk shit. It’s that they wouldn’t.
Worse still, Joe Kelly pitches for the Dodgers, and while to this point in this Cubs fan/Joe Kelly fan dance with destiny, I’ve kept my body upright, my brain is going to start sizzling and sending off sparks if I watch Joe Kelly enter with a one-run lead in the 8th inning with Miles Mastrobuoni and Pete Crow-Armstrong on first and second. I am going to break. I would take it over the Cubs missing the playoffs, and it is a very narrow possibility right now, but boy oh boy am I scared of Joe Kelly entering with a one-run lead in the 8th inning with Miles Mastrobuoni and Pete Crow-Armstrong on first and second. I am entering fight or flight mode over the thought of Joe Kelly entering with a one-run lead in the 8th inning with Miles Mastrobuoni and Pete Crow-Armstrong on first and second.
Joe Kelly’s Outing Last Night
Joe Kelly pitched last night, and he was electric. That’s two straight utterly dominant outings from our guy. He’s a streaky pitcher, and his streaks tend to last a couple months. Make of that what you will.
Lou Holtz Ain’t No Bitch
“He can go after me all he wants.”
Lou Holtz responded to being the first thing Ryan Day thought about after one of Ryan Day’s signature wins, saying that while he’s sorry Ryan Day was offended by his comments about Ohio State not being physical enough, he thinks Ryan Day is a “great coach” and a “great offensive mind” and has hired an “outstanding defensive coordinator.” Fighting words. Holtz did add that he still doesn’t think Ohio State is a great football team, and that he thinks Day doesn’t want to talk about Michigan because of the losses the last two years. But the other parts? Fighting words.
I hope Ryan Day and Lou Holtz continue to go back and forth. I hope that after every game, Ryan Day yells at Lou Holtz through Lou Holtz’s television screen (I like to imagine Lou Holtz dozing through some of these), and then the next Tuesday Lou Holtz goes onto Dan Dakich’s podcast (oh yeah, he responded through Dan Dakich’s podcast, which adds a layer of silliness to any proceeding) and doubles down while saying mostly nice things about Ryan Day. I hope this continues until Day and Holtz are on the same set on some ESPN show and Holtz bops Day on the head with a cane. For a while, Lou Holtz doing ESPN hits was getting sad. It is no longer sad. The transition to old man is complete, and Ryan Day is feeling the wrath of a guy who in a different life would be all over the local paper for how many times his weekly news was landing in the bushes.
Damian Lillard Should’ve Been a Beekeeper
Weber State legend Damian Lillard is being traded to the Bucks, and we would like to take advantage of this opportunity to tell any Weber State people reading this that we have not forgotten about our quest to rename your athletic teams the Beekeepers. We are nothing if not persistent, and while we may still be circling our wagons and regrouping, the next push is going to be the strongest one yet. It is going to be the Jalen Hurts QB Sneak of rebranding campaigns. That strong of a push.
Also? We saw that Montana State game on Saturday. We’re paying attention. The Wildcat days are numbered. (Fret not, Waldo will go nowhere, but he is going to wear the beekeeper outfit he should have donned a long, long time ago.)
