Over these last two weeks, I’ve been reflecting on vibes. Specifically, the things animals do that make you say, “Dang, what a vibe.” They do a lot of them. Let’s appreciate some of those done by the ones in our approaching-its-conclusion bracket, Vibes in the World of Animals (semifinal voting here, by the way):
Four-Legged Dog: Tail-Wagging
Dogs have normalized tail-wagging to such an extent that we now take it for granted, but what a move. Few things feel better than being told you’re loved, and dogs do this in the most hype manner imaginable.
Three-Legged Dog: Hopping Play
Seeing a happy three-legged dog hop on around to boogie is always humbling. Who am I to worry about a thing like the price of gas when Jumanji over there is hanging in with the four-legged pups at the dog park and having a heckin’ blast?
Cat: Doing Whatever the Hell They Want
Cats cannot be bothered with your expectations, your rules, or any of the rest of your nonsense.
Chinchilla: Bathing in Dirt
But when I do it, I’m “trespassing in the middle of a Little League game.”
Hedgehog: The Lil Walk
Hedgehogs move with purpose, and I don’t know what that purpose is, but I do know it’s disarmingly cute.
Goldfish: Floating
Goldfish, like cats, go at their own pace. Unlike cats, they’re immensely relaxed. Chill kings (and queens).
Llama: Smiling
Llamas always look like they’re telling themselves a joke internally and enjoying the bajeebers out of it.
Horse: The Whole Graceful Thing
They are so graceful. Not an obtainable vibe, but a vibe nonetheless.
Sheep: Growing a Whole Bunch of Wool
What’s that? You don’t admire sheep? They just grew more wool while you were criticizing them, punk. Haters will hate, but sheep just keep grazing and growing. Unstoppable force.
Goat: Standing on Roofs
Always a good gag.
Donkey: The Sound
Donkeys are to horses like that kid in the talent show band in high school making his guitar make fart noises is to the other kids who are trying to make sincere, beautiful music.
Yak: The Fur Again
Much like sheep, yaks just keep growing their flow. Shaggy vibes are vibes indeed.
Camel: Looking Silly
It’s not just the humps. They’ve got some llama face going on.
Water Buffalo: Uh, Their Name?
Don’t know much about the water buffalo, to be transparent here. Their name does get me a little stirred up, though.
Cow: The Zen and the Grace
Like goldfish, cows are chill. Unlike goldfish, cows are also graceful, beautiful beasts. Go look up a picture of a blow-dried cow.
Pig: The Shamelessness
Like cats and goldfish, pigs do whatever they want. Unlike cats, they don’t give any consideration to looking dignified while they do it, and unlike goldfish, they are not zen. They will eat you.
Koala: Eating Only Eucalyptus
What a stance. Like the child only eating chicken nuggets covered in peanut butter (this is the child of a friend of ours, and that child is a legend).
Kangaroo: The Hopping
Hilarious way to move.
Quokka: The Look
I didn’t know about the quokka before someone nominated them and now I’m trying to fill my Instagram explore page with quokka content so I can look at quokkas on demand when I feel sad and it doesn’t get old at all like it does on Google Images.
Wombat: The Name Again
And a better name than water buffalo, I’d venture.
Platypus: Having a Bill AND Laying Eggs
What?? They said to bring dessert or a dish to pass, platypus! Not both! Picture a platypus walking into a party. Picture that reaction from the rest of the room.
Kookaburra: The Feathers
The kookaburra’s vibes don’t stop with its name. They also look *fire.*
Tasmanian Devil: Wanton Destruction
Recklessness is not a vibe for everyone, but it’s a vibe. There’s something to be said for a species that embodies what it feels like when you hear “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit (still can’t believe that’s the name of that band).
Bandicoot: Having a Most Famous Member Named Crash
If your name is Crash, you are a vibe.
Dolphin: Mysticism
Kangaroos would seem so much more graceful if they lived in the sea, which we can confirm because dolphins exist.
Blue Whale: Gentleness
The largest of the beasts. And yet they do not kill us all.
Stingray: Uhh…They Kinda Float Cool?
Did a stingray submit some nominations?
Octopus: Dancing
This isn’t actually what octopuses do but I think it best captures the vibe. They’re just having a good time, those octopuses.
Orca: Murder and Theft
They tear open great white sharks to eat their livers and they surround fishing boats and threaten to capsize them if they don’t release their fish. That’s a vibe.
Whale Shark: Gentleness Again
Basically, all whales (except the orca) and all things named whale are the kindest of beasts.
Coral: Chilling
Just getting all colorful and stuff. Harmless stoner kid who spreads the love.
Mantis Shrimp: No Idea
Someone please explain to me why this was nominated. I’m still confused.
Panda: Being All Roly-Poly
Pandas look like they cannot feel pain, because they are just too darn squishy.
Red Panda: That Face
They look like the cutest dog in the world decided to dress up as a fox.
Elephant: Gentle Giant, Again
As before, gentleness is a vibe.
Hippopotamus: Not at All Gentle Giant
Ruthlessly violent.
Gazelle: Reputation
Gazelles have managed to get their name to be synonymous with physical grace. Which is impressive, given that Zack Greinke exists.
Antelope: Next Man Up
There’s something awe-inspiring about a species that exists to be eaten and thrives nonetheless.
Zebra: The Stripes!
Are you kidding, zebras? That’s camouflage? How’d you swing that with the Big Man?
Reindeer: Uhh, Flying!
How do we not talk about this more? It is wild that a hoofed beast can fly.
Lion: Lounging
Lions relaxing is a vibe.
Tiger: Playing
How do you inspire the same feelings in me a small cat does while also being a five-hundred-pound death machine?
Penguin: Everything
If you could watch a livestream of one animal for the rest of your life and do nothing else and live vicariously through them, it would be a penguin, no? You could eat normal things and all that, go to the bathroom, bathe (in water, unlike the vibing chinchilla over there). But your life would revolved around watching penguins. And it wouldn’t be a bad life!
Owl: Being a Bird that Looks Like It Isn’t Quite a Bird
It looks like a book and a bird had a baby. Spiritually.
Frog: Hoppin’, Bein’ Sticky
Look at that lil guy!
Parakeet: The Colors and the Impish Grin
Sly-eyed birds. Friendlily sly-eyed birds.
Hoary Bat: Flying By Night
Spooky vibes.
River Otter: When They Walk in a Line
Ever see a river otter parade? They look like they’re off to do the most fun thing in the world.
Sea Otter: Sweetness
The face, guys. And the paws? And they just go rolling through the ocean I mean how are they doing that where do they sleep?
Harbor Seal: Sunbathing, Arfing
Big piles of harbor seals on docks are always a laugh. No sharks up there!
Harp Seal: Isolation
If harp seals weren’t always in imminent danger from just about everything, I would think they were on a retreat.
Sea Lion: Being Dogs but of the Ocean
Do sea lions wag their tails?
Crow: Negotiating
A little unconfirmed on this, but there’s a rumor some crows have been taught to bring people money in exchange for snacks. Confirmed is that they will recognize people who feed them and befriend those people. They will figure out what you want, and they will make it work. For them.
Prairie Dog: Popping Out of Holes in the Ground and Looking at You Like, “What Are You Doing Here?”
Always startled. As though they’re not the ones who just unexpectedly popped out of the ground.
Bison: Might, Majesty, Running Really Fast
Thundering creatures of the plains. Also, great fur setup. Like sheep and yaks but also physically incredible.
Fox: How Light They Are on Their Feet
Foxes are made of magic.
Raccoon: Eating Garbage
Raccoons are made of garbage.
Black Bear: Being a Fearsome Predator That Eats Berries
What a funny thing for a massive, deadly mammal to love.
Polar Bear: Being a Fearsome Predator That Drinks Coke
Polar bears are killing machines. If polar bears were told how black bears are conducting themselves, they would be ashamed.
Badger: Scrappiness
Badgers are always ready to fight, and there’s something admirable in that.
Beaver: Clogging Rivers with Large Wooden Huts
Hilarious move when you spell it out.
Groundhog: Truckin’ Along
One time I saw a groundhog cross a bike path in the woods and the way it crossed was to do a superman dive from the path itself off into the brush.
Skunk: Walking Around with a Semi-Lethal Weapon Under Their Tail
Skunks are just trying to do them, and it’s not their fault their defense mechanism is highly effective. Also, I don’t know how true this is, but I’ve been told that skunks are so dumb that when they get scared they just run forward, which sometimes leads them to accidentally chase the thing that’s scaring them.
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Other notes for today:
Shaka Shack
Marquette is giving out free Shake Shack on Friday, with Shaka Smart and the basketball team in attendance, and why are they not branding this as Shaka Shack? Also, why did Texas never brand the Shake Shack on South Lamar as Shaka Shack? Everyone is selling this guy short.
Joe Kelly Updates
Got video of Joe Kelly’s rehab appearance from Sunday:
Thoughts, other notes:
- I need to buy a number 8 Charlotte Knights jersey.
- Still don’t know when his next rehab appearance will be, but I’m kind of guessing tonight. Knights visit the Gwinnett Strippers (must be an Atlanta thing).
- The White Sox bullpen did a pretty good Joe Kelly impression last night, honoring what should’ve been his first appearance with the club. Seems like not everyone’s on board with The Scheme.
Kyle Hendricks Stinking Isn’t Fair
Kyle Hendricks starts tonight, I’m not looking forward to it, and that’s not cool. He was never good enough and his ability was never unsustainable-seeming enough for him to fall apart unexpectedly like this. Really messed up by the universe. Jason Heyward flopping I can understand, but Kyle Hendricks was supposed to be a constant.
Where’s the Weirdest Place for a College Baseball Program?
Having grown up under the reality that Wisconsin and Iowa State both don’t have baseball teams, I’m always struck by certain schools that do. I mean, I understand that Lamar, a smaller school in Texas, will have one. But Portland? With some of these schools, I see a baseball picture and I go, “Well, I guess, sure, they can have a baseball program, but I never put together that they might.”
Anyway, my vote for this question goes to Manhattan College. Obviously, the Bronx is known for baseball, but college ball? At a small school that doesn’t have the name brand of even Fordham? Startling. North Dakota State’s another contender, partially because of the relationship between the college baseball season and climate.
Fargo Had an Ear Infection
The pup got groomed this weekend, and the groomer (Harrison, he rocks, Fargo adores him) had to pluck a lot of her ear hair (because there was a lot of it—it’s a doodle thing the breeders haven’t taken care of yet). When she was shaking her head a lot these last few days, we assumed it was just uncomfortable and that she’d get used to it, but this morning the shaking was unstoppable and there was some discharge, and it turns out she has an ear infection! Got treatment at the vet, partying it off at daycare. Hopefully feels better when she gets home. Also, hopefully she relaxes. She has been wound the hell up. Either because she has an ear infection or because she is a dog who just lost five pound of fur that was, in addition to ovening her in ninety-degree heat, covering her eyes like she was a sheep or a yak or a bison.
Burnley: Sticking with the Vibes
Two pieces of news concerning Burnley, and they’re pretty good in conjunction. First, details emerged about the weird financial setup concerning the sale and relegation. It doesn’t sound like the rumor that they’ll be sold back if they’re relegated is true, but it does sound like they have to repay a really big loan a lot faster if they’re relegated (because future cash flows aren’t as assured), really driving home the point that while Burnley isn’t going to go bankrupt or anything, there isn’t going to be some post-relegation spending spree if Burnley does go down. Which makes the risk of staying down, or dropping further down, greater. Which makes me all queasy inside. Life or death, guys. Life or death. I’m becoming one of those stuck-up soccer fans shaking Americans and saying, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” And I don’t mean one of those posers who wants to be a soccer fan and decides to like a team with an actual shot at winning things of note and never knows any actual fear (sorry to all friends who like soccer and are not Everton fans, I still like you, and most of you I know just like good soccer, the way most NBA fans just like good basketball and are not trying to drive me to a despairing speech in front of Congress about video games and easy mode and sports).
The other news is that Burnley’s extending Jay Rodriguez, and I obviously don’t know enough to know whether it’s a good or a bad move (I don’t even know the cost, which is the thing that determines whether it’s a good or a bad move), but it’s funny that right as the financial doom clock got put on the wall, Burnley went, “Hey! Local guy! He’s staying here!” and it worked. Everyone was happy except the habitual haters. They even acted like the financial doom clock said it was nine in the morning. It is not nine in the morning!
They’re Still Playing Hockey
The NHL Playoffs, now on their third day, are still going on. Wild performance from the hockeyers. The Sens still haven’t been allowed to join, and speaking of not being allowed to join, evidently both Chris Tierney and Victor Mete have been told they’re not being brought back, or something like that. Can always change but two of the mediocre, roster-filling veterans aren’t returning. Curious which of these will be weirder to see when we look back at the 2021-22 roster in three years when the Stanley Cup has come home to Ottawa.
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Viewing itinerary tonight:
7:05 PM EDT: Charlotte Knights @ Gwinnett Strippers, The Internet (second screen)
Will I buy MiLB TV if Joe Kelly enters the game? Probably not. But I can’t bring myself to admit that yet.
7:40 PM EDT: White Sox @ Cubs, Regional TV
Kyle Hendricks, make me take it all back.
10:00 PM EDT: Mavericks @ Suns, TNT (second screen)
Is this the night that Marquese Chriss, famous worldwide for scoring 23 points per game in the 2016 NIT, takes over the professional basketball world? Some say no. But only because he already has.
10:00 PM EDT: Kings @ Oilers, ESPN2 (after the Cubs end or, if it goes badly—might not!—after I get frustrated)
This feels like the hockey game most likely to go completely off the rails tonight. Something like being tied 5-5 after regulation and then going inexplicably goalless for an hour before some second-line defenseman puts one home. I’m betting on Sean Durzi, who I just heard of when I looked up the Kings and was handily redirected to a preview of tonight’s game that listed their skating lines.
You captured the essence of a lot of those animal vibes. 😊👍🏼