The change in presidential candidate by the Democratic Party has necessitated a change in vice presidential candidate. At the moment, it seems a lot of people are looking at a white man from Pennsylvania. The problem is, they’re probably not looking at the right one. Josh Shapiro is a smokescreen.
Jason Kelce, your time has come.
This theory’s been floated before. Specifically, I think it arrived at the same moment Jason Kelce partied shirtless in Buffalo during his brother’s playoff game. The theory, as I understand it to have been constructed, went like this:
If this large, hairy man who played for a different team and is cheering for the Bills’ current opponent can get along this well with Bills fans, is there anyone he couldn’t win over?
Where the theory lost traction, I assume, is when people realized the Eagles and Bills aren’t themselves rivals. That’s a big miss. Yes, Jason Kelce wouldn’t hurt any candidate in upstate New York. But would he cause problems in Virginia?
Relevant swing states and how I think they feel about the Eagles, which thus informs how I think they’d think about Jason Kelce as a vice presidential candidate:
Pennsylvania: Pro-Eagles, Pro-Kelce
I feel pretty confident in this one. Call it a hunch.
Georgia: Eagles Neutral, Pro-Kelce
What you have to remember about suburban Atlanta voters is that they really like Taylor Swift.
Wisconsin: Eagles Neutral, Pro-Kelce
Come on. You’re telling me a Packer fan won’t see a big lineman slugging beers with frostbite on his love handles and swell with American pride?
Michigan: Anti-Eagles, Kelce Neutral
Because the Lions haven’t won anything yet, they’re still in a position to be jealous of the Eagles. (This is different for Georgia because Georgia cares about college football and is uncertain if the Falcons still exist.) Michigan also lacks a specific reason to fawn over Jason Kelce like those Georgia and Wisconsin experience. Michiganders aren’t as fun as Wisconsinites. They’re more Canadian. In the bad way.
**
I’m told that covers about three quarters of tipping point scenarios. I know the VP bump is small, but Jason Kelce’s bump is not small, and I’m just not sure we’re all taking that appropriately seriously.
Etc.
- Vacation was fun, but it did mean missing out on an opportunity to compare Jalen Brunson to LeBron James. I will leave it at this: How grumpily pleased was Tom Thibodeau when he heard Brunson was going to give the Knicks that discount?
- Dammit. Congratulations to LeBron. It is unironically cool that he’s carrying the flag for our country at the Olympic ceremonies. It sucks when one of the greatest athletes of all time also comes with an inspirational backstory and hasn’t done anything worse than be doofily annoying. I always feel a little bit guilty when I hate on LeBron. Like I should be spending that time hating on Vladimir Putin or something.
- I don’t know if U.S. Soccer was in charge of hosting Copa América, and I don’t know if U.S. Soccer is in charge of hosting the World Cup. Whoever it is, though, great work with the Copa Final. Recently, I’ve been bummed the United States is hosting the World Cup, because I think our response to stinking at soccer should be to stop trying to play soccer. After seeing the dangerous situation in Miami, though, I now appreciate what U.S. Soccer (or whoever it is) is doing. We’re not abandoning soccer. We’re pulling it down with us. We are trapping the global soccer powers and making a mockery of what they hold dear.
- The European NIT always starts so early. The first qualifying round started eleven days ago. It didn’t wait for the Olympics. It didn’t wait for the Premier League or the other leagues or the other cups. It didn’t even wait for the Euros to be over. I love the European NIT. It has no conscience. Congratulations to Elfsborg, who kicked the shit out of Pafos in that particular two-legger. Big matchup now with Sheriff Tiraspol, who I think is the team in that ungoverned* part of Moldova?
*Or doubly governed. I decided not to look further into the status of Transnistria this morning. I’m trying to figure out if Delta meant it when they said my next flight also wouldn’t have wifi.
