Am I happy that Dusty Baker looked like the biggest idiot in the world last night?
Yes.
Maybe that’s bad of me, but look: The guy premeditated-murdered Mark Prior. The guy (allegedly) called Joe Kelly’s ass skinny. There are rumors that established MLB media’s breathless love of the man, alongside that of established college basketball media’s for Coach K, is why Twitter’s getting rid of blue checkmarks. Do I want him to lose? Yes. Do I want him to be responsible for his own losing? Yes.
Now, we don’t know for sure that Lance McCullers was tipping his pitches last night. All we know for sure is that Bryce Harper’s mouth sure looked like it said, “I may have something,” immediately after homering off of McCullers and immediately before shouting whatever it was he shouted in Alec Bohm’s ear, after which Alec Bohm also took McCullers deep. Oh, we also know that Kyle Schwarber hit a ball so hard that MLB is launching an investigation into whether baseballs can feel pain. And that it came on an offspeed pitch. And that Schwarber sure did sit back on it…
There are things—court, mainly—where you want to be 100% sure. There are other things—making fun of Dusty Baker for leaving in a pitcher who was tipping his pitches and allowing five home runs—where 80% is enough. I’m well past 80% convinced Lance McCullers was tipping his pitches, and that everyone knew it after Harper spoke to Bohm, and that the Astros had half an inning to get Hunter Brown or Luis Garcia loose and keep the game at 2-0, and that Dusty Baker said no. Dusty Baker sent McCullers back out there. To his—and hopefully the Astros’, when this series is over—demise.
There’s some narrative trick where hubristic figures are undone by the root facet of their own hubris. Anakin Skywalker was scared of losing Padmé. Jay Gatsby was crazy about Daisy. Oedipus was really into MILFs. Dusty Baker is an ornery, inflexible man. He may never, as a manger, win a World Series because of it.
The Commanders Are For Sale (and Under Federal Investigation)
Dan Snyder announcing that he’s selling the Commanders hours before ESPN reported that the U.S. Attorney’s office opened an investigation into “financial improprieties” on the part of the Commanders is the best way for Dan Snyder to go. Much like Dusty Baker, Dan Snyder is dying (figuratively, we hope it’s only figurative for all parties here) as he lived.
Fun fact: I was a Commanders fan! As a little kid, Washington was playing on Monday Night Football while my oldest brother was babysitting me, and when I asked if we could play, he said, “The (R-Words) are on Monday Night Football, Stu! Aren’t they your favorite team?” And I decided I was down for that. In high school, I slipped away—I had no responsibility to keep cheering for a Dan Snyder-owned team—but I’ve got a soft spot. Really like the maroon-and-gold color scheme, too. What can I say? I’m a Gryffindor.
So, great day for all of us former and current Commanders fans. Hopefully they did funny crimes. Financial crimes are great because they’re often comical. That’s why I do so many financial crimes. (I hope I don’t actually do those crimes. I haven’t been trying to. If I am, I’m getting none of the fun out of it.)
Things That Happened Today (Two of ‘Em)
Burnley won miraculously and hilariously again, we really must talk about Burnley soon.
I found out college basketball starts on Monday, not Tuesday. This really throws me off. It always starts on Tuesday! I blame democracy.
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Viewing schedule:
8:03 PM EDT: Astros @ Phillies, Game 4 (FOX)
Why isn’t Justin Verlander starting tonight? I don’t know. Might be smart, but I hope it isn’t. And I hope it goes badly. I also hope it was Dusty Baker’s decision. But only if it goes badly. If it goes well I hope it happened because the front office made the call. Another good scenario? Justin Verlander was going to pitch but said no, said he wanted the extra day of rest so his own career World Series stats might hold up a little better. Rick Porcello would’ve gone on four days’ rest.
