It’s Joe Kelly’s 35th birthday today, the ten-year pro and father of four celebrating the way any of us would, by striking out Marlins this weekend in his temporary home of Chicago.
Half-decades are milestones in birthday speak, and 35’s a big one, a marker in the wilderness between those big checkpoints of 30 and 40. At 30, baseball players start to exit their prime, and those of us off the diamond bid the freedom the potential-rich 20’s provide. At 40, baseball players have almost all left the arena, and those of us off the diamond see middle age start to daunt us, the having-kids stage usually over and the raising-kids stage in full swing, ourselves at the midpoint of our family’s generational cadence. 35’s a waypoint between those two, and with it, let’s look at what Joe Kelly’s accomplished in his last five years:
- Won two World Series.
- Published a book.
- Became one of the preeminent spokespeople for America’s pastime.
- Turned in two great quotes yesterday: “I like McDonalds so who gives a shit (about the smoke the White Sox dealt with in Yankee Stadium)?” and “Just play to your salary and we’ll be just fine.”
- Struck out 240 batters.
- Fathered three children and one Carlos Correa.
- Threw a lot of fastballs 100 miles per hour.
It’s been quite a half-decade, and we’ve been lucky to bear witness to and chronicle so many parts of the ride. As the next half-decade dawns, we wish our hero the best, especially as we stand fewer than two months from a likely trade to a title contender, fewer than three months from the acceleration of the stretch run, and fewer than four months from Joe Kelly throwing October cheddar again, the knuckle-curve dancing on our broadcasts as he carries Texas or Toronto or New York or the other New York or any other number of places towards that elusive World Series crown. If this half a year holds this much for our king, we can only imagine what the next half decade has in store.
Hey Joe.
Thanks for being born.
What Is the 24 Hours of Le Mans?
I’m asking you.
Ugh, fine. I’ll look it up.
The 24 Hours of Le Mans is a 24-hour race on an 8.5-mile track located near Le Mans, France, where my friend John lived for six years before his job transferred him back to Indiana. Thanks to Hitler, this is only the 92nd running of the thing, but it’s the 100th birthday of the event, and to celebrate, NASCAR is gracing the race with its presence.
(Please ignore the person making fun of the NASCAR it was the first tweet with that picture I could find.)
NASCAR’s running Le Mans this year, showing the world what its Next Gen car can do.
Also, making them listen to it.
Evidently stock cars are a lot louder than those wimpy European vehicles.
And people say American-made cars aren’t the best.
I’m not positive what the goal is for NASCAR here, or what means success. It’s a sports car race, I guess, and it has different classes, and the NASCAR—which is an adaptation of the standard NASCAR right now—is in a literal class of its own, the only one in the “Innovative Car” division. None of the other cars are innovative. None of them! NASCAR, like the NIT: Innovative. Jimmie Johnson, Jenson Button, and Mike Rockenfeller are driving it, and Rockenfeller recorded a lap this week that put it in between the second and the third-fastest competitive classes.
Basically, the NASCAR’s going to be the loudest vehicle there, and it isn’t going to be the slowest, and I think that qualifies as success.
NASCAR itself is in action at Sonoma this weekend, another winey and windy course.
F1 is spending yet another leisure week shaking in its little leisure boots.
No One Will Buy My Favorite Hockey Team
I really need a list of who all’s still trying to buy the Ottawa Senators. Evidently Steve Apostolopoulos (sounds made up) is no longer on the list.
Oh hey.
There’s a list.
Thanks, Silver Seven Sens!
Sounds like we have the Michael Andlauer bid, the Kimel brothers bid, and the Neko Sparks bid. The Weeknd is involved with the Kimel brothers. Snoop Dogg is involved with Neko Sparks. I know there are huge differences between different owners and it’s kind of the most important thing in terms of a professional sports franchise’s success, but with no way of personally knowing which one would be the best, I’m rooting for Snoop. More content that way.
It’s best to be subjective in these situations. Maybe another would be better, but we’ll never have a way to know, you know?
Super Duper
Texas is at Stanford this weekend for Super Regionals, and I have two things to say:
First, it would’ve been cool if the Super Regional had been here. I’ve been toying with the idea of going over to the national championships in Track & Field, which are happening at the UT soccer field, and had Super Regionals been here I could have toyed with the idea of going over to *both* events. Not going to either, but I could have done so much toying. Alas.
Second, my perception of Stanford baseball is that it has a lot of guys with good cheekbones. Real 1920’s-vibe program. This mostly comes about because I know Nico Hoerner grew up without a TV. (I don’t know this, I don’t think this is actually true, but it’s something like this. I can’t find the detail right now.)
They Fixed the License Plates!
Just kidding, you can’t do that. You can’t go out on the road, grab 800,000 license plates, and change the URL on them.
Well, you can, but damn is it difficult.
Our friend Bennett Conlin reports that the Maryland MVA (that’s Maryland’s DMV in disguise) got the domain name back. Personally, I think it’s a weird use of taxpayer dollars, but I refuse to pay my taxes, so who am I to judge?
Don’t know what we’re talking about? Wow. Maybe you should read yesterday’s notes again. Come on, man. All I ask is that you read every single thing I publish on the internet and internalize every detail. Is that too much?
The Market Share of Half-and-Half
Speaking of yesterday’s notes: My friend Dave (not Mr. College, different Dave, but speaking of Mr. College: Did you guys know he has a second kid? I found out about three months late so I’m not sure if you heard.) asked ChatGPT for the market cap of coffee creamer, and it’s about $1.8 billion in the United States. $6.8 billion globally. Considering the global dairy industry is around $900 billion, that puts half-and-half below 1% of dairy. So, our suspicion that cream isn’t driving dairy’s success or failure was correct. Still, probably doesn’t hurt anyone if you pull someone aside at the diner this weekend after they order black coffee and say quietly and kindly, “Hey. Think of the farmers.”
No Fargo Friday
No Fargo Friday today, but I’m starting to think her constant assaults on my backpack weren’t just because she likes to chew plastic (she managed to sharpen one of the clips into a shank and it scratches my arm every time I forget to put the left arm on first). I think she doesn’t like it when I leave. I was heading out this morning and once I put the backpack on she barked bloody murder and jumped all over me again, and that was with someone else still in the house with her. Moving homes is hard on the pups. Might need to spend two hours lying on the floor holding her bone while she chews it so she learns to trust again that I come home. Then again, that sounds like the kind of thing that leads to an overly attached dog. Who knows. At least we’re on Day Five of solid shits. Still wondering what happened there. Gonna email the specialist on Monday. The veterinary specialist. I didn’t pray to a specific holy person in consideration for sainthood, so no miracle-verifying specialist this round.
One Year From Today:
It’s hard to believe, but the 2023–24 Champions League Final is exactly one year from today, which means in exactly one year, Burnley will…
Wait.
Shit.
There’s a leap year and they’re moving the schedule back a week and Burnley didn’t qualify for the Champions League yet, they have to do that this year. I got three whole things wrong.
Let’s try this again.
Two Years From Probably Nine Days Ago the Date Hasn’t Been Announced Yet:
It’s hard to believe, but in roughly two years, Burnley will be winning the Champions League.
Wow.
Nine days before Joe Kelly’s 37th birthday, no less.
