Bucket-hat tip on all of this to Derek, but especially for pointing out that the funeral would be wild. Bucket-hap tip to Will for pointing out the outer space part. Bucket-hat tip to Michael for suggesting the possibility Aaron Rodgers might one day not emerge from one of these (alleged) ayahuasca trips.
Also: Don’t click the New York Post link if you’re on a budget laptop—the pop-up video ads will take down Chrome.
According to the New York Post, “Internet Sleuths” have connected Aaron Rodgers’s tattoo from last week to his alleged girlfriend, Blu of Earth. The connection? Blu also has a fuckin weird tattoo and theirs were designed by the same tattoo artist (which brings us back to last week’s question of whether the two are dating or whether Aaron Rodgers is merely trying to date Blu, doing things like getting tattoos by her favorite tattoo artist to impress her). Great work, Internet Sleuths. Keep it up.
Non-story, of course, but it did result in the following text being sent to the group:
“We better win a Super Bowl before he takes an Ayahuasca trip he doesn’t emerge from”
Predictably, discussion then turned to a Would You Rather in which the choices were: A) Aaron Rodgers dies during a hallucinogenic trip, or B) Aaron Rodgers eventually leaves the Packers and plays for the Bears, having made one more Super Bowl with the Packers but having lost it. The majority chose A. Losing your quarterback to peyote would not be as good as winning a Super Bowl, and nobody wants anybody to die here, but boy oh boy, what a way that would be for Aaron Rodgers to go.
What would the funeral be like? Well, as mentioned above, Aaron Rodgers would want his remains launched into space, but before that, there’s no way he’s not doing one of those home funerals where they don’t embalm the body and they keep it around for a few days. Think “backyard wedding,” but with death instead of marriage.
The pallbearers, of course, would start with David Bakhtiari and Randall Cobb, but Graham Harrell would also be asked to perform the duty, something that would be of great surprise to Graham Harrell, who would not have planned on attending the ceremony. A similar situation would play out involving Miles Teller.
Kevin Lanflisi would attend, wearing a poor disguise but still going unnoticed, much to his fury. Pat McAfee would sob raucously. Mike McCarthy would arrive during the second eulogy, trip over A.J. Hawk while trying to obtain an open seat, and knock over a large vase.
Marshawn Lynch’s eulogy would be the greatest eulogy ever delivered, provoking those in attendance and those watching the TMZ footage leaked the next day to change multiple minor things about their own lives, some of which they’d surprisingly continue on with for more than eleven days. Think of that Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford, but if it were delivered by the Holy Spirit.
Edward Berry’s eulogy (just a heads up, guys: Blu follows Aaron Rodgers’s endorsement agent on Instagram; she also follows Shailene Woodley but Woodley doesn’t follow her back) would be unremarkable.
Blu’s eulogy would be the wildest thing any of us have ever heard and would involve a backdrop and ring lights being brought in so it could be formally produced and released on YouTube as a “TEDx Talk,” something Blu’s agents evidently got approved by TED ahead of time. It would involve a twenty-minute silent meditation midway through which McCarthy would loudly fart, which would wake him up and stop his comparably loud snoring. At the end, Rodgers’s flaming casket would be floated out onto a lake in the North Woods in Bakhtiari’s fishing boat, with Brian Gutekunst having arranged a local floatilla to wait in a cove for nightfall so the ashes could be retrieved and, you know, launched into outer space. Packers fans would line the lake’s shoreline, trying to catch a glimpse of the ceremony. They would go unseen, but the ubiquitous smells of charcoal grills and sounds of freshly opened Miller Lites would give them away. Also, the wailing and rending of garments.
Would Aaron Rodgers come back in the end? Having faked his own death? I don’t think so. But I do think someone would arrange for a fleet of drones to make an outline of his face among the stars, something that would have been very moving had the drones not mostly been shot down by someone’s Uncle Randy from the bed of his Silverado (Randy was concerned about chemtrails).
It all sounds rather beautiful. Until the Minneapolis Star-Tribune ranks Rodgers’s death as the greatest moment in Twin Cities sports history.
Joe Kelly!
Another great inning from Joe Kelly yesterday, keeping things close in the game Tony La Russa wanted to lose so Tony La Russa could try to win the game Tony La Russa wanted to win. This is now the star’s second-best stretch of the year, and his FIP’s down to 3.72, which is a great sign for future ERA. Velocity was there, command was passable, life was good, and the forecast is positive.
The Sens!
The Sens are the busiest lads around.
Pierre Dorion added more notches to his belt since we last spoke, flipping Filip Gustavsson for Cam Talbot and signing Claude Giroux. With Talbot, the question is whether he’ll be as mopey as he was in Minnesota should Anton Forsberg crush it (a platoon seems like a good solution, though, and worst case the Leafs will trade for Talbot and eat his contract in a couple years). With Giroux, the question is whether Gritty’s coming too.
A Connor Brown trade to the Oilers seems imminent, which should open the door for picking up a defenseman who can actually play hockey, unlike poor Nikita Zaitsev, who has lost that ability. With that, the offseason’s checklist should be pretty well-checked. They’ve hit everything on the wish list besides clearing out Zaitsev and bringing in a good replacement, and they also sorted out the goaltending situation. The Melnyk women get shit done. Elect them to Parliament in whichever country is their legal residence.
Elsewhere on the blue line, Michael Del Zotto has been bought out.
Other little Sens-y news:
- The Blue Jackets signed Erik Gudbranson and are going to pay him a lot of money, which I’m told is dumb.
- The Panthers signed Colin White and are going to pay him a little money, which I’m told is smart.
- Adam Gaudette is on the Leafs, and that’s concerning. The Leafs’ vibes colliding with Gaudette rituals? That’s a recipe for cosmic volatility. This is the exact idea behind cold fronts spawning tornadoes.
Burnley?
Burnley’s officially bringing in Josh Cullen, and they’re almost-officially bringing in Ian Maatsen. Cullen’s an Irish midfielder who played for Vincent Kompany at Anderlecht. Maatsen’s a versatile Dutch player who Burnley will probably use on the edge on the back line. Maatsen’s under Chelsea’s control and would play on loan. He played for Coventry City on loan last year.
Holy Wheels
Wild 24 hours for motorsports, which rarely have news. Four things:
First, Tyler Reddick’s getting paid. 23XI Racing is picking up the blossoming driver beginning with the 2024 season, picking him off early from Richard Childress Racing before bigger teams could jump on him. It’s a bold move, but it’s an assertive one, showing where 23XI fits in the sport’s landscape even as the results have so far failed to fully materialize for the two-year-old team. Will the team have three cars? Is Bubba Wallace or Kurt Busch on his way out? Is Tyler Reddick’s cat going to be more prominently featured in marketing? All of that remains to be seen.
Second, Kyle Larson and Brad Sweet are starting a sprint car series. Twelve dirt track races in the middle of weeks next year, with anywhere from 2.3 times the World of Outlaws payout to 5.0 times the World of Outlaws payout. It’s an audacious move, and it sounds like Larson and Sweet (Sweet’s a three-time World of Outlaws champ) could lose some money themselves, but the goal is to make dirt track racing more mainstream, and it’d be cool if that worked out.
Third, and this was the wild one, Chip Ganassi Racing said they were extending Álex Palou and Álex Palou said CGR had not only lied and created a quote in their press release which he did not say, but that he’d be signing with McLaren. McLaren later said that the defending IndyCar champion will also become part of its F1 testing program, one which also includes Colton Herta and Pato O’Ward. What the hell happened? Nobody seems to know, which is the best part. Biggest IndyCar drama in years.
Fourth, and this is rather tame but F1 wanted to be included so here we are: Michael Masi has now fully left F1. Au revoir, friend. You were a fun little variable. Like a monster but not a villain in a video game.
**
Viewing schedule for the evening:
7:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Guardians (MLB TV)
I think Joe Kelly’s off tonight, since he’s pitched the last two nights, but what if Tony La Russa is trying to win?
8:05 PM EDT: Orioles @ Cubs (MLB TV)
Justin Steele and his fiancée, Libby Murphy, had their baby on Monday morning. It was also Steele’s 27th birthday. Kris Bryant’s also back on paternity leave, and I didn’t know they were having a second child! All kinds of emotion over here. God gifts us IndyCar drama and now babies??
