We’ve refrained from addressing Tom Brady’s absence at Buccaneers camp, ostensibly to respect his privacy but mostly because we didn’t have anything fun to say about it. Then, we realized he’s probably in South America doing ayahuasca. Think about it: Tom Brady will famously do anything that gives him a competitive advantage. Aaron Rodgers hasn’t lost an MVP award since he started doing ayahuasca. There is no chance Brady will let that slide, and there is no chance Rodgers wouldn’t put Brady in touch with his shaman, because Ayahuasca has told Aaron Rodgers very directly that his job is to love.
Expect a very warm and fuzzy Brady when he gets back. Might try to kiss Bill Belichick at the Pro Bowl.
Quinn Ewers: Starting Quarterback
Steve Sarkisian named Quinn Ewers as Texas’s starter under center, which keeps the best-case dreams alive for Longhorn fans here in Austin. This might be bad for Longhorn fans here in Austin. More on that in the next Bevo’s Fake Nuts.
Marcell Ozuna: Doing More (Alleged) Crimes
Atlanta outfielder Marcell Ozuna, best known for allegedly choking his wife (charges were dropped after a pretrial diversion program, but police said they saw it), got arrested this morning at 4:30 AM on a DUI charge (that’s early in the day to be over the legal limit!) and a “failure to maintain lane” charge, which I thought was just assumed with the DUI.
Ozuna seems like he could use some help, we hope Ozuna gets some help, we wish Ozuna’s loved ones the absolute best, we’re glad nobody got hurt. But also, what’s going on with this franchise? They’re still doing the Tomahawk Chop even as an opposing pitcher who’s a registered member of Cherokee Nation keeps asking them to stop. They can’t keep one of their outfielders out of jail. Their broadcasters got pissed a few years ago at the Dodgers for wearing batting practice t-shirts promoting charitable causes.
When the Astros cheating scandal broke, it was on the heels of the franchise firing Brandon Taubman for yelling at female reporters about how glad he was they’d signed a guy with one of the longest domestic violence suspensions in sports history. It was one of those things where the confluence of events made it all kind of click. “Ok,” we mostly said, “so the Astros are assholes.”
It feels like we’re headed for one of those moments with the Braves (who, good God, just find something to replace the chop and change your team name to the Hammers already, you have Hank Aaron’s ghost right there to honor and tons of new merchandise you could sell, you idiots).
Shaka Smart: Outrecruiting Chris Beard
Shaka Smart got a commitment from four-star recruit Alassane Amadou yesterday, giving Marquette an even bigger 2023 lead on Texas, to which nobody has committed. Just putting this out there. Does anyone want to play at Texas anymore? Sure doesn’t seem that way. That’s why you don’t run icons out of town, guys.
The Spurs Are Coming to Austin?
I missed this when it was announced, ignoring the NBA schedule release on principal, but the Spurs are coming to the Moody Center for a pair of games in April? Blazers in one (Greg Brown?), Timberwolves in the other (there’s a universe where I got into the Wolves while I lived in Minneapolis, but alas, this is not the one). This kind of settles the question, for me, of which NBA team can claim Austin. The Spurs have taken it. Pretty sure that’s a relief in the long term, even if Dirk was the man.
Burnley: Got a (North) Macedonian
Burnley formally announced the Darko Churlinov signing today, and the word from Andy Jones over at The Athletic is that the club’s still trying to sign a striker and one more lad on the back line. If they don’t sign another striker, it sounds like they’ve got a lot of midfielders who can score? Like Churlinov? Don’t hate that. Should I? Why are people still referring to Macedonia as Macedonia when the country agreed to go by North Macedonia to stop triggering the Greeks? Are Greeks triggered by this? Did Macedonia renege on the ‘North’ thing? Am I—*gasp*—am I out of date on news in the Balkans? You laugh, but I made some geo-bee bones on knowing the Balkans back in eighth grade. Had a refugee classmate from Serbia (which makes me think I might have had a refugee classmate from Kosovo). Nice guy. Didn’t seem to want to stay in touch. Maybe he felt I was using him for geographic prestige.
Elsewhere, the ban on fans standing during matches that’s getting so much buzz in Burnley circles (we are all in these Burnley circles, I assume) is evidently partially because of rules (laws?) passed to stop mass casualty events at English soccer games. So, I don’t know. I’m going to start ignoring it now unless the vibes get really bad.
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Viewing schedule for the evening (we’re going to try to do notes again tomorrow, but no promises):
2:20 PM EDT: Brewers @ Cubs, MLB TV
Craig Counsell is in the building. And that is upsetting.
7:10 PM EDT: White Sox @ Guardians, MLB TV
Joe Kelly in a division race. Apologies to the art deco fans in the room.
8:00 PM EDT: Saints @ Packers, NFL+ (second screen)
I like to be aware of the narrative.
