Doug Edert is dropping some merchandise tomorrow. Or so say the words of this tweet. I didn’t watch the video. Well, I watched it, but I didn’t listen to it. Just stared at his face for fifteen seconds while he mouthed words and this coffee shop played Tame Impala and a greasy guy in a Spurs hat talked loudly about building successful cultures in the workplace over a Zoom call at the next table over (he would go on to use the word ethnocentrism, which should be thrown around by starry-eyed college kids in Bernie merch they bought with their parents’ money, not one that belongs on Zoom calls, although maybe that isn’t true and because I don’t know what that word means it only feels true).
Anyway, Edert’s in the news, and it’s made me realize something:
Doug Edert might play in the 2023 NIT.
Pretty good chance, actually.
Bryant’s joining the America East, where perennial power Vermont has a good grip on the league but not an inescapably good one. If Bryant has even a 40% chance of winning the regular season title, and if a Bryant that wins the regular season title has a 50% chance of losing in the America East Tournament, then we’re looking at, at the very least (because who knows maybe they could get an at-large bid this is America after all), a 30% chance of a Doug Edert NIT.
Do you think he knows that?
Do you think that’s why he’s going to Bryant?
Do you think Doug Edert sat down at his dorm room desk in Jersey City, fired up his hand-me-down MacBook from 2013, smacked his lips, said, “Itsh go time, baby,” (I don’t know if Edert has a lisp but I love imagining he has a lisp) and started running the numbers? Optimizing playing time with NIT probability? “I shee the Bryant Bulldogsh play in the America Easht…not a bad league, the America Easht…you could make an NIT in the America Easht…”
I hope he did. I hope he did exactly that, then went back to housing wings and throwing the bones out the window onto the sidewalk below, making the window squeak every time (because it’s cold in Jersey City in April, so you can’t just leave the window open when you’re throwing chicken bones onto the sidewalk) while his roommate tried to sleep.
Crap.
I’m writing Doug Edert fan fic again.
Stanley Cup Preferences
Ok guys, I went through and learned who all’s in the playoffs, and based on my vague impressions of every NHL team, here’s who we’re in on:
16. Colorado Avalanche
Fuck ‘em.
15. Dallas Stars
Can’t do it.
14. Carolina Hurricanes
I really don’t trust these guys.
13. Toronto Maple Leafs
Ok, we’ve reached the point where there’s at least a baseline of respect. By which I mean, I don’t want them to lose right away, and however they lose, I want it to be as heartbreaking as possible. Brand fidelity is important.
12. Boston Bruins
I think I’m at the stage of my life, and Boston’s at the stage of its life, where its teams need to be low on lists like these. We need a break.
11. Washington Capitals
They’re a whatever for me, with hints of a no.
10. Pittsburgh Penguins
Oh shit wait I forgot about Malkin and Putin. Put these guys eleven and the Caps ten. That seems maybe worse than the Ovechkin thing. Not that either is the biggest thing in the world. The war is probably the biggest thing in the world. An actual war, you know? Nuclear power involved? Pretty big deal.
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Ok, need to take a break and regroup. I’ve got the Kings left—they’re funny. I’ve got the Lightning and Predators left—they’ve turned Tampa into a hockey town (the Lightning are bigger than Tom Brady) and Nashville into a town that tolerates a hockey team. The Oilers have such a cool name and play in Edmonton, which seems cool. The Flames play in Calgary, which also seems cool. The Wild are so neutral but there are little kids in Minnesota who should grow up Wild fans. It’s time. The Blues seem cool enough and supporting them makes any Cardinals hate I unload seem more reasonable and not just like a St. Louis thing. The Rangers play in Madison Square Garden, which has me conflicted because MSG kind of just dumped me but that was the people, not the building, and it’s important to distinguish between those things.
Ok.
Resuming.
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9. Nashville Predators
Just can’t keep it going when I like them. I like them for a moment and then it fades.
8. Tampa Bay Lightning
They’ve had enough dessert already.
7. New York Rangers
It’d be #goodforhockey, and I’m a team player, you know?
T-5. Minnesota Wild
T-5. Florida Panthers
I thought I’d already put the Panthers in, so I’m putting them here because ties are fun in lists. “Just too close to make a call, guys.”
4. St. Louis Blues
Blues in St. Louis, jazz in Utah. Respect history.
3. Los Angeles Kings
The Kings are just so funny.
2. Edmonton Oilers
R.I.P. Bunny.
1. Calgary Flames
Brady Tkachuk seems destined to be the better Tkachuk brother, in historic senses, so this would bode best for the Sens.
Still Mad About Joe Kelly, But Maybe for the Best
It’s supposed to be cold and wet, and the White Sox probably practice poor hygiene (Tony La Russa strikes me as a guy who hasn’t washed his hands since his kids learned about it at school and even then he only pretended to use soap), and Joe Kelly’s immune system doesn’t need that in its life. Also, good to not have to risk him getting in a fight with the Cubs right now. Trying to avoid that.
(Sorry, context for those who missed class yesterday: The White Sox have Joe Kelly on an unreasonably long rehab stint because the city of Charlotte is giving them a kickback from the increased revenue.)
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Viewing schedule tonight:
7:40 PM EDT: White Sox @ Cubs, Regional TV
Get the fighting out of your system, guys. But don’t let Tony touch you.
9:30 PM EDT: Predators @ Avalanche, ESPN (second screen)
Fuck ‘em.
