Notes note: Aaron Rodgers notes coming tomorrow. For the moment, I will offer the following word.
Good.
**
The NBA Playoffs are all about balls, and by that I do not mean what Bill Raftery means when he yells onions.
Everyone is hitting everyone else in the nuts.
James Harden did it to Royce O’Neale.
Joel Embiid did it to Nic Claxton.
Saturday night, Dillon Brooks got in on the action, doing it to LeBron James.
It’s important to note that of the three, only Embiid’s was really an obvious attempt to strike another man’s genitals. The intention behind Brooks’s and Harden’s were less clear, though like Draymond Green with chest-stomping, Brooks did a bad job ahead of time when it came to making himself seem like someone who wasn’t trying to strike another man’s genitals. Dillon Brooks has invested a lot of energy in recent years into making himself seem like the sort of guy who wants to hit other guys in the balls. When you do all that and then do all that, it kind of seems like you just wanted to hit a guy in the dick.
Still, the collective fiascoes are a bad look for the NBA, where for a long time you could count on the playoffs to be about basketball even if the other ten months of the year were not. The playoffs, right now, are not about basketball. They’re not about shots.
They’re about nutshots.
These Teams Don’t Like Each Other
The Stanley Cup Playoffs are not, contrarily, about guys punching each other in the willy or the rocks. Sadly, they’re not even about guys punching each other in the face! Thankfully, that’s still going on. Here’s how much violence has featured in each first round series so far, with fights per game the unit and measurements provided by whether the fight shows up on hockeyfights.com.
T-5. Avalanche/Kraken, Hurricanes/Islanders, Stars/Wild, Oilers/Kings – 0.00 fights per game
No action yet in these three series, but with the Islanders facing elimination tomorrow, hopes are high.
4. Bruins/Panthers – 0.25 fights per game
This was almost a great one, but the refs wouldn’t let Linus Ullmark and Matthew Tkachuk go at it, on account of Ullmark being a goalie. Really, I’m not sure it should have counted, since it was mostly “a couple of monkeys trying to hump a football,” as our nation’s premier work of hockey art would have it. Still, not bad stuff from the Bruins and Panthers, and with the Panthers 1) having a Tkachuk on their roster and 2) having that Tkachuk and the rest of the team’s manhood questioned a few weeks ago by that Tkachuk’s father and 3) knowing they’re losing this series, expect a lot on Wednesday night.
T-2. Rangers/Devils, Knights/Jets – 0.33 fights per game
Only one each here, too. Braden Schneider fought Michael McLeod on Thursday (not the first time a guy named Braden has had someone try to beat him up in Jersey), Keegan Kolesar fought Brenden Dillon on Saturday (we need a Braden vs. Brenden fight as soon as possible if that hasn’t happened before). Not a lot of thoughts on the first one. The Kolesar/Dillon one was cool because it was in Winnipeg (I’m habitually happy for Winnipeggers, but especially so when they get to watch playoff hockey and it features a fight) and it reminded everyone watching of how funny it would be if the Knights ever went full Medieval Times and had guys joust. Full speed charge with sticks extended. No way this could go wrong.
1. Leafs/Lightning – 1.67 fights per game
Critics are saying this should only be 1.33, because two of the fights were concurrent, but those were separate fights. You can see the timing on both of them here, around 1:10, and then obviously there are more detailed clips of each if you’re into watching hockey players fight (which is turns out, I am). I love the double fight. It’s funnier than a line brawl, I think. In a line brawl, everyone is fighting, so there’s no way the refs can do anything. In a double fight, the refs have to try, but they have to focus their energies on the one that’s more of a going concern. It’s especially funny here because for the refs, Auston Matthews and Steven Samkos could not have been expected. Game of chicken gone wrong. Was that Auston Matthews’s first career fight?
Bonus points on that one for the TikTok logo on the helmets reminding everyone where to go try to watch these. Extra bonus points for making us forget all about the other three, none of which even happened in the same game. I’ll say it, folks: These teams don’t like each other!
Joe Kelly’s Back!
Our long national nightmare is over. Joe Kelly is returning from the injured list.
It’s been the minimum stay for our guy, who pulled his groin exiting the bullpen for the scrum against the Pirates a few weeks ago. He’s back, and whoever the White Sox play tonight better look the hell out, because our guy just stores more miles per hour in his arm the longer he sits. He’s like a windup car winding up. Will he hit 400 mph this week? If he doesn’t, it’s only because Statcast is lying to you.
(Expect another absence soon—Joe Kelly’s wife is due with their fourth child in what might be an any–day–now situation.)
It Wasn’t a Tackle
Yan Gomes did not tackle Drew Smyly on Friday. I mean, he did, but it wasn’t the thing that broke up the perfect game bid. Drew Smyly was not getting that guy at first, and you can’t tell me otherwise.
I will say, credit to Yan Gomes for the football helmet interview after the fact. That’s what you want to see from a veteran catcher, and it’s a mark of a good team when a guy can visibly mess something up that badly and nonchalantly own it/laugh it off. Bad end to the weekend after that, but the Cubs have good vibes right now.
North Texas Is Still Celebrating
Here’s a sneak preview for the days ahead this offseason: We’re planning on an NIT History feature, to be included in at least one of these notes/Twitter and possibly in other places as well. Tomorrow, someone remind us to tell you the NIT’s connection to Flavor Flav.
In the meantime, though…
Denton isn’t done with us yet.
Next Tuesday, May 2nd, Denton will honor the NIT Champion North Texas Mean Green with a “Downtown Victory Fest.” It starts at 5:00 PM Texas Time, it’ll include appearances by the mayor, athletic director, and new head coach, and there will be a newly unveiled “UNT-branded Denton fire truck.” They will honor the women’s golf team as well, which won Conference USA, which we here at The Barking Crow recognize as a national championship because the USA is a nation.
UNC Is Indeed Making Moves
We were ready to make fun of Cormac Ryan, but then UNC got Harrison Ingram too, and we’re going to let them have this one. Harrison Ingram is good. Caleb Love was too, before this year, but UNC needed someone like Harrison Ingram in the transfer portal, and UNC got someone like Harrison Ingram in the transfer portal. Credit where credit is begrudgingly due.
The Horns Got Hooked
Texas got swept this weekend on the ballfield by Oklahoma, and the vibes are bad. It’s permeated the broader Longhorn world, which (even with Dylan Disu announcing his return) isn’t exactly thriving at the moment. There’s an unease.
That said, this feels like a situation where the baseball team’s going to bounce back. It’s a rally the troops moment, and one of those things which feels gigantic in college baseball (where three games is a lot) but isn’t a big deal in baseball as it’s really constructed.
Also, I was driving near the field yesterday on the other side of I-35 and heard some good shit-talking between OU and UT fans. That’s what you want. Mark of a college sport with a real fanbase.
Toeing the NASCAR Line
NASCAR was at Talladega this weekend, and the Cup Series race went to two overtimes, and it still didn’t really click. You hate to see that.
One thing that did happen is that on Saturday, we got one hell of a wreck in the Xfinity Series. The kind of thing where it looked like someone was going to die. Nobody did die, thank God, and that makes it exciting. In NASCAR, the goal is always to have big explosions while everyone walks away completely ok. It’s like The Price Is Right. You try to go right up to the line.
In other news, Frankie Muniz is currently leading the ARCA Series in points, which is like if he was the home run leader at Single-A.
The Muck in the Mirror
Burnley, up until this season, has long been known for mucking it up. It’s been a point of pride, and something that matches the fanbase’s general vibe. Which makes it frustrating when Burnley gets shitballed and fans complain, as happened with Saturday’s loss to Queens Park in a game where Burnley could have clinched the Championship championship. Burnley fans, of all people, must never complain about getting out-shitballed. We can’t lose sight of who we are.
One Last Note on the Knicks
We plan to address Mason Ramsey’s latest gig tomorrow, so if you clicked on these and didn’t find that, wait one more day, but while we have one final moment:
Knicks fans right now feel like your friend who said they were doing dry January and just finished their fourth drink of the night. They’re off the rails, this isn’t expected, it probably won’t end well but it’s going to be a time.
Godspeed, New York.
