Ok, first: What if Shohei Ohtani had just kicked everybody’s ass in that fight on Sunday? What if he’d knocked someone out cold? What if he’d taken a grown man and, action-movie-style, broken his neck with his bare hands?
As it was, Ohtani handled the fight well: Got himself into an active position, grabbed someone who was content to be held back, kept the peace.
But man, what if he’d just kicked everybody’s ass?
Ok, now, in light of Gonzaga and Michigan State’s decision to play a basketball game on an aircraft carrier this fall, five other boats which need college basketball games:
1. A Sailboat
Every boat knows you mustn’t forget your roots. Holding a basketball game on a sailing vessel (my friend Jamie has one, and I’d be happy to ask him if you can use it) would be a fitting homage to the seas. The seas which Dr. James Naismith once crossed inside a gigantic basketball to bring us the game we love.
2. A Gravy Boat
Now, not a literal gravy boat. I’m talking about a new arena in Jackson called The Gravy Boat. Hold a game there on Thanksgiving. Before the Egg Bowl.
3. An Airboat
You know, those big flat things in the Everglades with all the fans? Maybe players would finally respect the out-of-bounds lines if alligators were waiting to prey on them should they fall in.
4. The Boat Jesus Used to Go Fishing With His Disciples
Put Christ back in basketball.
5. The Island of Manhattan
What is an island if not a large flat boat? Some may even call Manhattan the OG aircraft carrier (that’s “original gangster aircraft carrier,” Tom), since that’s where the Wright Brothers put their airplanes when they wanted to bring them down to Kitty Hawk.
Anyway, I think they should hold basketball games in Manhattan. Maybe even at Madison Square Garden. Maybe even the three most important games of the college basketball season.
Another New Burnleyer
Well, that was fast. Burnley signed Luke McNally from Oxford (United, not the college—I don’t think Britain has college soccer, which is kind of weird, don’t you think?)
The things with this are:
- Burnley didn’t get Dan Ballard, but this seems like a comparable pickup?
- McNally said playing for Kompany is a draw, since Kompany played centre-back himself and is, to use words I’m assuming McNally used privately, “a baller.”
- Nathan Collins might be on his way out. He’d bring in a windfall, but it would also be scary. Such is life when you are Burnley.
- Burnley’s still, per The Athletic, after CJ Egan-Riley and Taylor Harwood-Bellis of Man City. The Egan-Riley rumor was that it’d be on loan, so I’m assuming the same of Harwood-Bellis. Down with all of that, but then I get myself into a little anxiety knot because what happens when Burnley goes up and they go back and Nathan Collins isn’t around?? Guess we find a new Nathan Collins. Guess that’s Luke McNally.
- On the topic of the Man City loan proposals: This implicit alliance with Man City would be dope. For Man City. Who’s long been called The Urban Burnley™.
HOLY F1 BEEF
Ok, this is bad. So there’s a guy named Nelson Piquet who thrice won the season championship in the fourteenth-coolest racing circuit in the world (would be ranked lower but the Baku castle is cool), and in an interview from last year, when discussing Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen’s crash at the British Grand Prix (this one), Piquet used a slur when referring to Hamilton. No, I don’t know what the slur was. It was in Portuguese. Oh, also Piquet’s daughter is dating Verstappen.
If you’re Hamilton this weekend, do you just try to wreck Verstappen? Your season’s in the shitter already, Red Bull won’t even put out a statement, Verstappen hasn’t said shit publicly (you’d hope he’d say something privately, but my attempts at hacking into Lewis Hamilton’s texts haven’t been successful yet *winks*)…give him the bump and run. Do it, Hamilton. Or rather…
George Russell needs to do it. George Russell needs to be the Joe Kelly here.
***
Viewing schedule tonight:
8:05 PM EDT: Reds @ Cubs (MLB TV)
I have gotten way too excited about Keegan Thompson starts too many times, so I’m keeping quiet here.
9:38 PM EDT: White Sox @ Angels (MLB TV)
Is Joe Kelly the White Sox’ closer? We might find out (pretty small chance, actually, since the White Sox aren’t all that likely to win, and if they do win, a save situation isn’t guaranteed).
The Wee Morning Hours: Wimbledon
Ok maybe not that wee, but we’ve been watching some tennis. Big Carlos Alcaraz guys, for reasons you can potentially ascertain on your own. Going to wake up, eat breakfast, take Fargo for a walk, then watch Alcaraz face some man named Griekspoor (last name, not first name) while I try to figure out why I’m anti-multiple Dutch guys right now. (Griekspoor, Verstappen, Weghorst…are there others? I have a Dutch friend! I like tulips!)
