I’ve been told to make 2023 predictions in many of the following categories. I’ve also added a few of my own.
College Basketball
NCA* *********t Champion: Vladimir Putin
Look for this to be the year we finally see the NCAA for who it really is.
NIT Champion: Volodymyr Zelenskyy (but Oklahoma State over Illinois in the championship)
Meanwhile, the NIT will be a beacon of freedom. And Oklahoma State fans will be pumped about beating Brad Underwood in Vegas while Illinois fans will be the most bitter.
College Football
Will Jim Harbaugh drink milk on stage if he wins the national championship? Sadly, we’ll never know.
FCS Champion: North Dakota State
2023-24 Conference USA Champion: Impossible to know because we don’t know who’s in the league.
I have no idea who’s in Conference USA next year. Middle Tennessee State? Are they still there? If they are, they won’t win it. Mark it down. MTSU will not win Conference USA.
MLB
Will Joe Kelly win the Cy Young? No, but he’ll make the All-Star Game.
Will the Cubs make the playoffs? Absolutely not.
World Series Champion? Yes.
Oh, but if I’d predicted there to be a World Series champion in 2022 it would have been uncertain? Feels like a double standard.
NBA
Who will the Bulls trade? Somehow, not Zach LaVine.
I am ready for franchise-wise disaster.
NBA Champion: Warriors
Steph Curry will continue to not let his NIT failures go, and while this remarkable turnaround won’t cancel them all out, what else is a guy to do?
NFL
2023 Super Bowl Champion: Bengals
I still can’t get the Joe Burreaux video out of my head.
Will the Packers make the playoffs? Of course, and Aaron Rodgers will shockingly renounce ayahuasca but support going to space to cure other ailments.
This will happen after they win the NFC Championship.
NHL
2023 Stanley Cup Champion: Winnipeg
Will the Senators make the playoffs? Yes.
Canada breaking its Stanley Cup-less streak via the Jets would be the funniest outcome, I think. It coming with them beating the Senators would add to the comedy. And Gary Bettman’s all about humor, right?
Soccer
What will Burnley do? Win the Championship then open EPL play with 18 points in 22 games.
I don’t know how many games happen before Christmas in a non-World Cup year, but something like that ratio.
Motorsports
NASCAR Cup Series Champion: Alex Bowman
Indy 500 Champion: Conor Daly
It’s going to be a boring NASCAR season and the best Indy 500 in decades.
**
Our itinerary for the weekend:
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: Fiesta Bowl – Michigan vs. TCU (ESPN)
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST: Peach Bowl – Georgia vs. Ohio State (ESPN)
The nice thing about the CFP Semifinals so often coinciding with New Year’s Eve is that you can have a blowout college football game on a pretty field on in the background at the party but you don’t have to watch because of the whole “blowout” piece of that.
Friday, 12:00 PM EST: Mayonnaise Bowl (ESPN)
Friday, 2:00 PM EST: Sun Bowl (CBS)
Friday, 3:30 PM EST: Gator Bowl (ESPN)
Friday, 4:30 PM EST: Arizona Bowl (Barstool)
Friday, 8:00 PM EST: Orange Bowl (ESPN)
Saturday, 12:00 PM EST: Sugar Bowl (ESPN)
Saturday, 12:00 PM EST: Music City Bowl (ABC)
Between the Sun Bowl, the Gator Bowl, and Monday’s Citrus Bowl, college football’s NIT is all around us.
Saturday, 1:00 PM EST: St. John’s @ Seton Hall (FS1)
Alright, let’s talk hoops. We’ve got the Game of the NITe of the Weekend right here, so if anyone asks you if you’re watching “the games” tomorrow, tell them, “You mean game, singular. And yes. I’m watching the Game of the NITe of the Weekend! It’s on at (do the time zone math here and say your local time) on FS1.” This is how we make more NIT fans. That and unprotected sex followed by a zealous upbringing with plenty of access to The Internet™.
Friday, 12:00 PM EST: UNC @ Pitt (ACCN)
Friday, 2:00 PM EST: Miami @ Notre Dame (ACCN)
Friday, 4:00 PM EST: NC State @ Clemson (ACCN)
Big day on ACC Network for NIT hopefuls, but you could say that most days this time of year. This feels like one where Notre Dame will grab a splashy win that isn’t actually very impressive. That’s an NIT champion’s vibe right there.
Friday, 10:00 PM EST: USC @ Washington (ESPN2)
Andy Enfield goes to Seattle, and to be honest, we’re more curious if he’ll flee into Canada than we are about the action on the court. There’s always time to start fresh, Andy. You’re still young.
Saturday, 2:00 PM EST: Texas @ Oklahoma (ESPN+)
Saturday, 2:00 PM EST: Marquette @ Villanova (FS1)
Chris Beard will apparently not be back for Texas, unless something real weird happens tonight (which is a distinct possibility, now that we say that). Shaka Smart is expected to be on the sidelines for Marquette.
Saturday, 2:00 PM EST: James Madison @ Marshall (ESPN+)
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: Utah @ Stanford (P12N)
There’s a lot of NIT action this weekend, but on Saturday, these two stand out. JMU and the Herd will soon rule all of college sports, if the first few weeks in September and the beginnings of this college basketball season are to be believed. Tune in now. Say you were early. Really, you’ll be right on time.
Sunday, 5:30 PM EST: Iowa @ Penn State (BTN)
Sunday is the Big Ten’s answer to the ACC’s Friday (Kevin Warren is a pagan, we must assume), but this one takes the cake. What a matchup. Hopefully the arena’s its customary half-empty self. Perfect nap game for those in need.
Saturday, 2:00 PM EST: Dayton @ Davidson (ESPN+)
Sunday, 2:00 PM EST: Oklahoma State @ Kansas (CBS)
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: New Mexico @ Wyoming (FS1)
Saturday, 4:00 PM EST: UTSA @ UAB (ESPN+)
Sunday, 5:00 PM EST: Memphis @ Tulane (ESPN)
The rest of the Ten Teams’ Who Can Win the NIT™ action, where Wyoming could resurrect itself, UAB could show us again that it’s not actually that good, Memphis and Tulane could do a sly deal under the table to increase each other’s relevance (very Penny Hardaway and very New Orleans, I must say), and Dayton plays Davidson in one of those games that sounds way bigger than it is. Oh, also the Oklahoma State game. Probably shouldn’t win that one, Pokes.
Sunday, 3:00 PM EST: USC @ Washington State
Still here, Andy?
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Colts @ Giants (CBS)
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Saints @ Eagles (FOX)
Sunday, 1:00 PM EST: Browns @ Commanders (FOX)
Sunday, 4:25 PM EST: Vikings @ Packers (CBS)
Joe tells me we want, in addition to the Packers winning, wins by the Colts, Saints, and Browns. I trust Joe.
Friday, 8:00 PM EST: Pistons @ Bulls (League Pass)
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Cavs @ Bulls (League Pass)
It’s a shame the Cavs aren’t worse. And that the Bulls aren’t better. Lot of shames going on.
Saturday, 7:00 PM EST: Senators @ Red Wings (ESPN+)
Sunday, 7:00 PM EST: Sabres @ Senators (ESPN+)
Sens could get to fourth in the Atlantic, guys. Could also fall back to last. Very Sens of them.
Friday, 2:45 PM EST: Burnley @ Stoke
Unfortunately, the rain isn’t supposed to start in Stoke until after midnight. Which, I mean, fortunate for Burnley but about the only thing they had left to accomplish this year was doing it on a cold, rainy night in Stoke. No chance for that anymore.
