Which is the funniest treaty system?
It’s a question which draws hot debate, and while we may never come to full societal agreement, let me propose this as the answer:
The Antarctic Treaty System.
The Antarctic Treaty System, as I understand it (and I should caveat here that I have read the Wikipedia article about this twice, once while falling asleep, and they say that’s the best way to study so I’m thusly an expert on The Cold Continent™), came about because the Cold War was going on and most of the world said, “Aw shit, America and Russia are going to blow each other up in the Antarctic, aren’t they?”
And they were right! We were going to do that!
More than twenty years before Dick Fosbury changed the history of track & field, the United States carried out an Operation Highjump of its own, sending nearly five thousand sailors across the southern seas to figure out how to fight a war when it’s really freakin’ cold. I don’t know how it went. We still haven’t fought a war when it’s really freakin’ cold. Cold War? Well, that wasn’t really fought. Freakin’ cold war? Yeah, I’d include the Battle of the Bulge in that category. But that had happened before Operation Highjump. We’re still waiting for a really freakin’ cold war.
One year after doing whatever they did during Operation Highjump, the U.S. went to the United Nations and said, “Hey guys, why don’t we make Antarctica a trust territory, like Palau? We’d help administer it, and maybe Argentina, Australia, Chile, France, the U.K., and New Zealand could help?” This was a lot like times in high school baseball when someone had to go to Home Depot to get more turface so one of the kids on the team suggested going and just bringing the teammates they liked. Unfortunately, not everyone that kid liked reciprocated the liking. Argentina, Australia, Chile, and France said no. Also, Norway jumped in and said no. More specifically, Norway said, “Over Roald Amundsen’s dead body!” This wasn’t geographically accurate, because Roald Amundsen’s dead body is probably in the Arctic, but it was a good line. I assume. I’m making a lot of assumptions here. Every one of these quotes? I made them up. Just how I’m guessing it all went down. If we’re going to continue the turface metaphor, the U.S. leaving Norway out was a lot like if that kid who suggested bringing their six favorite teammates to Home Depot conveniently left off the one whose dad was a manager at the Home Depot.
After its idea got rejected, the U.S. went back to the drawing board, but while they were drawing, the U.S.S.R. popped in and said, “Hey. If you guys try to keep us out of Antarctica, we won’t agree.” This is a funny thing about the United Nations. It doesn’t have a lot of enforcement mechanisms, so countries like America and Russia and China and probably Germany (don’t test ‘em) have veto power even when they don’t officially have veto power. If someone doesn’t like the rules, they just don’t obey them. Silly system, if you ask me, but then again, this is kind of how Congress works. But then again another time, Congress is pretty silly right now. Let’s get back to Frigid Firma.
Argentina and the U.K. got in a weird fight in the early 1950s that was loosely tied to what became the Falklands War. Not a lot came of this (no blood, no foul), but it did at least show that America and Russia weren’t the only ones who were going to fight if we didn’t get the entire world to come to an agreement about a vast unoccupied land. We’re not the only ones! But we were the ones who were going to bring nukes.
Eventually, twelve countries agreed to demilitarize Antarctica, use it for scientific purposes, and give the treaty system its own flag. They also agreed—over America’s protests—that “demilitarization” includes “no nukes,” which I would think should go without saying, but I wasn’t around in 1959, maybe it was different back then. I guess people do like to walk around with assault rifles now sometimes. Kind of similar. What? I’m not going to *shoot* anybody with it! – America, 1959; Angry Dudes in Walmart, 2020
Weirdly, we’re still left with territorial claims to Antarctica. These all happened before the treaty was signed, and a lot of them overlap, so I guess everyone involved just didn’t want to unclaim them? Probably smart. If all else breaks down, we’ll always have squatters’ rights. France has a claim to some Antarctic territory. Argentina has a claim to some Antarctic territory. Australia, the U.K., Chile, Norway (obviously), and New Zealand all have claims to various bits of Antarctic territory. There’s some that goes unclaimed, too, and you know that eats at Putin. It’s just sitting there, waiting to be claimed! But back when all this was going down, evidently the U.S. realized that if it claimed Antarctic territory, the U.S.S.R. would claim Antarctic territory back, so Antarctic peace was kept through MAAC (Mutually Assured Antarctic Claiming, or, the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference).
In short, my impression of why Antarctica is peaceful and free and left to the penguins and the scientists is that the rest of the world saw the U.S. and Russia getting ready to blow the whole thing up as they postured against one another and said no. The rest of the world put its foot down. Which is a little reassuring, but at the same time: Why don’t you guys do that more often? If World Peace is as easy as the rest of the world saying, “Hey, America and (insert dictatorial aspiring superpower), cut that shit out,” why do we not have World Peace? I’m starting to think it’s because Argentina and England still don’t like each other. Do *not* let those two go to Home Depot.
I am an expert on the Antarctic Treaty system and this is the best casual explanation I have seen in a while. A good mixture of irreverence and accuracy while not letting reality impede too much on a good story. I certainly did not fall asleep reading this!
Wow, thank you! Have to say: I panicked a little reading that you are an expert on it. It’s always dangerous, as a blogger, to encounter people who actually know what they’re talking about.