Ok, let’s get the obvious out of the way.
I don’t drive for Postmates. I said that to protect the identities of these customers.
Now.
Six Postmates orders I, in hindsight, should not have delivered:
1. That Glass of Hemlock to the Athenian Court in 399 B.C.
They didn’t tip enough, and I could tell they weren’t tipping enough, but it was the middle of the afternoon so I took it anyway. Should’ve just waited on a better ride.
2. That Kool-Aid in Guyana in 1978
This time, the tip was worth it, but I had to spend a lot of time testifying after that, which really cut into my future earnings.
3. That Cup of Tea in [REDACTED] in 2011
I [REDACTED] that [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]
4. That Vial of Poison in Mantua in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet
Look. You get paid really well if you cross into a fictional universe. Ok? Stop calling me to ask about this.
5. Those Two Fifths of Jim Beam and the Jug of Tomato Juice up in Pflugerville a Couple Weeks Ago
The guy at the liquor store said the order was placed twice, and I mean, I thought it was accidental too but there isn’t really a button you can push that says, “Hey, this order’s accidental,” and then the customer didn’t seem that drunk when I pulled up, but by the end I realized they were slurring their words, and I don’t know they don’t really tell you the full law on this stuff and by the time I realized it I’d already clicked that the person seemed sober.
6. That McDonald’s Breakfast to Greg McDermott at His Home in Omaha
I knew we’d get into a fight about the 2016 NIT.
