It’s a big week in the Commonwealth. Today, Canada celebrates Canada Day. Thursday, the United Kingdom holds an election to distract themselves from the one that got away. Saturday, England presumably exists the Euros in comic fashion, enraging Englishmen while elating their fellow citizens to the north and west.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, U.K. elections are not some uprising against the king. They’re basically a knockoff U.S. election. People go into voting booths, vote, come out, spend the night watching a little map turn red and blue, make bold proclamations about how much things will change, then go about their lives as usual.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, Canada Day is not a day of poutine and maple syrup and losing in the Stanley Cup Finals. It’s basically a knockoff Fourth of July. The Blue Jays wear red and white hats. Someone’s uncle shoots off fireworks, but only where they’re legal. What you’re picturing is Canadian Thanksgiving, and we’re as mad about it as you are.
Australia is comfortable with itself. New Zealand is comfortable with itself. No one knows what’s happening with Guyana’s oil situation, but let’s say Guyana is comfortable with itself. The whole Commonwealth has moved on following the American Revolution. The whole Commonwealth, that is, except for Canada and the U.K. Those two can’t stop trying to be us.
And by us, I mean U.S.
The U.S.A., to be more precise.
Reasons Canada and the United Kingdom should get back together:
They Might Win a Stanley Cup
Expansion teams thrive these days in the NHL. Put one in London (not the London in Ontario, absolutely not) and Canada might finally be able to look itself in the mirror.
They Might Do Better in the World Cup
Sticking with sports, at what point do England and Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland combine into one soccer team? Surely a tiny unathletic country that doesn’t even make up its own island doesn’t think they’ll win a World Cup alone, right? Enter: Canada. Combine the five, and maybe together they can compete.
We Could All Have a Big Argument About Who Really Won the War of 1812
This is an untapped stupid debate.
It Would Be Exciting
Imagine how much mileage the Economist would get out of this.
Canada Is Basically Europe
They love vacations and they tend to back down when challenged by us swashbuckling Americans.
The U.K. Is Basically Canada
Cold? A little bit socialist? Long days in the summer? It checks all the boxes.
Scotland Would Be Very Confused
Would Scotland keep pushing for independence? Would Canada be Scotland’s friend? What would Scottish people think of those giant horses with antlers?
This Would Counter French Influence in North America
Quebec’s existence is one thing. Victor Wembanyama’s presence in San Antonio is another. The last time France got this big in the Western Hemisphere, the U.K. got its pants pulled down by the Marquis de Lafayette at Yorktown. Charles Cornwallis’s descendants still can’t show their face in Dover.
The King Could Ride a Moose Again
They claim the king is the king of Canada in addition to England. But does he ever ride a moose? Didn’t think so.
This would finally legitimize the Canadian monarchy. Which would be nice, because just like Canada imitates Independence Day with Canada Day, they imitate Memorial Day with Victoria Day, a beginning-of-summer holiday which ostensibly celebrates the monarchy. If Canada’s going to desecrate the graves of dead Americans, the least they could do is come up with a real reason for it.
