It has come to my attention that there was a flaw with my idea to solve the problem of rising sea levels (and seriously address inflation) by digging a 12,000-cubic-mile hole in the middle of the Indian Ocean and then putting a 12,000-square-mile island somewhere: When I said, “Plus, there’d be more land, because we could build a 120×100-mile island somewhere the ocean’s only three quarters of a mile deep,” I neglected to account for this displacing 9,000 cubic miles of the 12,000 cubic miles of water we’d just sent down the hole. So, let me amend this plank of the platform:
We should put the island somewhere the water’s really shallow.
I suggest the Gulf of Mexico, and I suggest we make the island part of Louisiana’s territory. Louisiana is unquestionably the coolest state on the Gulf (possibly anywhere), and it doesn’t get its due. Adding a Taiwan-sized island to its territory could go no other way but well. Plus, with an average elevation of a full mile across the island, we could finally build the coolest waterslide ever, adding a third benefit to this plan, whose benefits are now as follows:
1. Staves off thirty years of rising sea levels.
2. Slows inflation by reducing the price of land by increasing the supply of land.
3. Gives Louisiana the eighth wonder of the world, and makes that wonder a waterslide.
I await Congress’s call.
