The Major League Baseball playoffs have arrived, and we’ve got a handy primer to help you choose which team to support. Team-by-team, starting with the National League:
San Francisco Giants
Pro: Kris Bryant seems like a nice young man.
Con: The name is misleading. They are actually quite normally sized.
Milwaukee Brewers
Pro: The more the Brewers win, the more we get to see Bernie Brewer go down the slide.
Con: The more the Brewers win, the more we have to confront the reality that the Brewers have imprisoned Bernie Brewer in a zoo-like enclosure in which his only entertainment is sliding down a large slide after Brewers home runs.
Atlanta Braves
Pro: Joc Pederson is a bad bitch (his words, not mine).
Con: The Braves still do the Tomahawk Chop even after Cherokee Nation member and pitcher Ryan Helsley pointed out in 2019 that it’s preeeeeeeeeetty racist.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Pro: Joe Kelly.
Con: They don’t let Joe Kelly throw every pitch.
St. Louis Cardinals
Pro: Adam Wainwright will just not fade away.
Con: Yadier Molina will just not fade away.
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Ok, now the AL:
Tampa Bay Rays
Pro: The Rays have figured out the video game. They routinely have one of the lowest payrolls in baseball yet are routinely among the best teams in the sport. They question everything that’s routine, innovating and iterating and bringing the league along with them. And somehow, they are still fun.
Con: They play in Florida.
Houston Astros
Pro: They probably aren’t cheating right now.
Con: You know what they actually might still be cheating.
Chicago White Sox
Pro: They’ve got swagger, which is somehow continuing to exist despite the constant presence of Tony La Russa.
Con: They’ve got Tony La Russa, which is somehow continuing to exist despite the constant presence of swagger.
Boston Red Sox
Pro: Rafael Devers always looks like a child who was just told to stop eating the cookies and responded by shoving all of the cookies into his mouth.
Con: Someone told Rafael Devers to stop eating the cookies.
New York Yankees
Pro: Just a bunch of big fellas.
Con: They are the Yankees.
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Do with it as you wish. Ranking them myself, I’d say:
1. Dodgers (Joe Kelly is a powerful thing)
2. Giants (My dad likes the Giants and I want to make clear I’m not pro-Dodgers I’m just pro-Joe Kelly)
3. Rays (Florida isn’t that bad)
4. Brewers (#FreeBernie, though, and imprison Christian Yelich in his place)
5. Red Sox (Kyle Schwarber does it for me, also I have some money on these guys)
6. White Sox (Ok fine but I’m gonna grumble about it)
7. Yankees (The big bois just crack me up so much)
8. Cardinals (Maybe this would get the Cubs’ asses in gear)
9. Astros (It would be pretty funny)
10. Braves (You can’t call someone out for racism and then rank them highly in your list that’s a big no-no here on The Internet™)
