Ranking the Comments on a Nextdoor Cat Fight by Their Absurdity

Nextdoor lost its shit again this morning and last night, and I was there to screenshot it. Behold (rankings below):

Ok, let’s rank the comments on their absurdity, including the original post.

15. The one that suggests a harness with a note.

This is constructive. This is reasonable. This is an earnest attempt at making the situation better. Also, a harness that says THIS CAT HAS BEEN FED sounds adorable. Crawfish would look so cute in that.

14. The original post.

A little weird, but ok. You have an outdoor cat, the outdoor cat’s getting fat, you think you’re just posting to your immediate neighbors, you let them know your dude Crawfish is getting plenty to eat. You clearly don’t understand what Nextdoor is, but at the same time, I don’t know who does. Nextdoor is inexplicable. At least Twitter has a purpose.

13. The original poster’s response.

Gotta say, Ben didn’t help his cause with this one. Got a little defensive, tried to assert control over the situation when only the mob is in control on Nextdoor…not a great effort. But to be fair, he was probably rattled, and still probably trying to figure out what Nextdoor was if not a service upon which you can ask your immediate neighbors to stop feeding your cat.

12. “Haven’t heard dillweed in a while!”

This is an audacious comment. Bold. Impressive. Not just sitting back and letting Nextdoor come to you, but going out and participating in it. Pointing out the chaos to those creating the chaos. This is like a guy jumping in a panda enclosure at a zoo and yelling, “You guys are pandas! This is awesome!”

11. The one who asks if he has a collar.

This is reasonable, but the twist that this commenter thinks Ben is acting entitled is a welcome twist. Does he have a collar? Because if not…YOU UNGRATEFUL SHIT!

Tie: 9. Don’t let him out; Bring them in if they are your cats.

Not entirely absurd, but snappy, and a little absurd. Outdoor cats are a thing, guys. Especially in old neighborhoods. You don’t want outdoor cats, go live in an apartment building or a subdivision in the burbs. Stop fighting nature.

8. “No fear of coyotes?”

With conflict enveloping the situation, this intrepid neighbor swoops in to ask about a mildly common predator, somehow implying the highest of raised eyebrows in the process. Excuse me, you two, fighting in this bar—did either of you consider mixing in a water earlier?

7. “Maybe someone is feeding a feral colony and Crawfish is joining in the feast.”

This comment is reasonable until it’s not, which is to say, it’s not hard to feed someone’s already fed cat. It goes like this: You see a cat. The cat meows at you. You worry it’s hungry. You find something, pretty much anything, in your kitchen, and give the cat like an eighth of a human serving. The cat loves you. You rest easier.

Also, to be fair, “feral colony” is a great phrase. Gonna start using that to refer to Nextdoor commenters. A feral colony of Nextdoor commenters.

6. “Is this for real?”

You don’t use “is this for real?” on something as mundane as this. This is not a ridiculous post. If this guy had said, “Hey guys, stop feeding Crawfish, my pet beluga whale who lives outside,” you could question the authenticity. But this is fairly routine. There has to be a weirder post on Nextdoor right now. In my old neighborhood a pig got loose and started biting human ankles. In my old neighborhood a tortoise got loose. This is commonplace shit, sir.

Unless, that is, you’re commenting about people’s comments. In which case I share your perplexion.

5. “I love Crayfish just reading about him(her).”

Lot going on here. “Furbaby.” “Once you let Crawfish out that door you might as well say goodby (sic).” Saying you agree with someone and then expanding on that by five sentences. Including, “like being angry at you (sic) neighbors,” as an example of a negative consequence of letting a cat live the life the cat wants to live.

4. “Dillweed.”

Nothing like an unconventional insult to punctuate an overreaction to an only mildly overreactive original post. This is how you escalate a situation.

3. “*peace emoji* Peace out!” (edited)

I didn’t check what the edit was, but again, lot happening here. “Maybe they would like to ask you not to have your cat enter their yard to eat food meant for strays that have no home and also do not let your cat relieve itself in other’s yards!” Put that on a t-shirt. Also: “I think you have a lot of nerve posting this” is, like “Dillweed” in the comment this is responding to, straight internet gasoline. As is, “Not trying to be rude but think about it?” Not trying to be rude? Not trying to be rude?? And then the peace sign??? Not trying to start a fight, but uh…you are an absolute waste of human flesh.

2. “Austin is an important migratory route for songbirds.”

There’s always an environmentalist, and that environmentalist evidently has no problem imposing environmentalism upon a species that’s lived here for almost two centuries, which is plenty of time for songbirds to figure out how to not get caught by said species, which can (I might add) only jump nine feet off the ground, tops. Birds have wings! Wings!! That’s their whole deal! And cats are animals too!!! (as are humans, I might add)

1. The long one.

“I so agree with everyone.” You hear that, Ben? Everyone’s against you, buddy. We see Crawfish around again, we’re coming for your ass, you punk.

“…if you don’t want a fat cat or dead cat.” Sounds threatening. Also, not sure a cat coming inside is really gonna keep it trim.

“Her cats would jump over the fence in my yard which I have 2 grandchildren that live with me that is allergic to cats. They are able to tell if they walk out the back door that the cats were on the patio. (sic to all of this and all of the rest of the quotes from here just putting it down once so as not to be actively insulting)” Ahem. If your grandchildren are severely allergic to cats, severely enough that they can tell when a cat was in the same outdoor space as them, they should probably be treated. Yeah, I get it, cats shouldn’t be intruding, but again, you live in a neighborhood! You chose to live in a neighborhood! There are cats in neighborhoods! Your grandchildren sound severely allergic to cats! That isn’t all that safe!

The part about shooting at the cats with a nerf gun: What imagery.

“They use to poop at my one side back door too *angry emoji* *angry emoji* *angry emoji*” I cannot take this seriously with the emojis but it does make the nerf gun seem extremely reasonable, which is shocking in the context of this comment. That is a great solution. A natural solution. THAT is the part the outdoor cat-haters should be embracing. (Yes, I want to see songbird-protectors going around neighborhoods shooting cats with nerf guns this sounds like the most entertaining thing I can imagine.)

“Ben be respectful to others that can’t have cats…” CAN’T HAVE CATS???? IS BEN RUBBING IT IN THAT HE CAN HAVE A CAT???? I know this is probably back to the allergy thing but I first read it as, Not everyone can have a cat, so stop showing yours off, pal, and I love that idea.

“…and don’t want them or their poop in their yard.” Cat poop isn’t that big, ma’am. Part of a neighborhood, as we’ve been saying. And you seem to have solved the problem with the nerf gun, so again, good on you for that.

“If someone is feeding it.” Yeah! There hasn’t been enough doubt cast on Ben’s allegations here. Bring that piece back around.

“They will eat mice and birds too. *five angry emojis*” Excuse me. Are mice sympathetic creatures here? The ones we hire people to exterminate? Mice?? You’re siding with the mice???

“…and learn to deal with the litter box because I know that’s why people leave their cats out. *shrug emoji* *shrug emoji*” What a finale. What a line. Thank goodness I didn’t get to this post 21 minutes earlier. Would’ve missed this comment. Is this actually why anyone in the world lets their cat be an outside cat? I mean what an accusation, even on a page full of accusations. This isn’t about Crawfish’s love of fresh air and exploration. This is about the damn litterbox. And we will not ignore that on this website.