I realized, while back in Illinois a couple weeks ago, that I’ve been to most of the cities in that state. So, we have to rank them. The 20 biggest cities in Illinois, per The Internet™, and where they rank. Grouped these in categories. Didn’t go in order by rankings. Trying to revolutionize online ranking blog posts here.
The City
Chicago: 1st Place
Well, of course.
Suburbs, Part I
Aurora: 9th Place
Naperville gets the attention as the big vapid suburb, but Aurora’s way more nondescript.
Bolingbrook: 15th Place
With Bolingbrook, we pass nondescript and enter the territory of being so boring it’s descript again.
Naperville: 18th Place
Get Naperville out of my face already.
College-Affiliated
Champaign: 2nd Place
It’s a college town, which goes a long way in the Midwest. The degree of college town isn’t matched anywhere else in the state, either.
Evanston: 4th Place
It’s not a college town, but there’s a good view of the lake.
Bloomington: 11th Place
Ok, we’re back to college towns, but it isn’t as fun as Champaign, and it isn’t as well-named as Normal. Bloomington is such a normal name. Normal? Don’t get many cities named that.
Rockford
Rockford: 8th Place
Great spot, if you’re into small, dead rust belt cities with high-level youth basketball.
Suburbs, Part II
Arlington Heights: 20th Place
The horsetrack closing is a colossal bummer. The Bears moving in would make things worse. People are already trying to pretend Arlington Heights is cool and I like a lot of those people but I just do not buy it. Go get drunk in McHenry. That sounds way more fun.
Schaumburg: 14th Place
Is there still Independent League baseball in Schaumburg? *to the tune of the closing lines of, “The Star Spangled Banner”*
Skokie: 7th Place
The town which gave us, “I hate Illinois Nazis.”
Palatine: 10th Place
Palatine’s one of the first towns, going in, where you say, “Ok this place is loaded.” But then if you turn east, as you get deeper in you start to say, “Was Palatine really that loaded?”
Des Plaines: 6th Place
A lot of people are saying Illinois is dying, and that is because The Choo Choo Restaurant is temporarily closed again. If that place doesn’t reopen, you can close the book on the state.
Downstate
Decatur: 12th Place
Love a good downstate city. This, Cicero, and Skokie are the only ones I’m not sure I’ve been to, but my impression is that there’s probably a cool-looking courthouse and a good number of sad neighborhoods.
Peoria: 5th Place
The area around Peoria is sneakily pretty.
Springfield: 3rd Place
Is there anything to do in Springfield? Uhhh, have you heard of Abraham Lincoln? Assholes.
Suburbs, But Are They?
Joliet: 19th Place
Is Joliet still a big steel town? They rank lowly because my mom grew up in Morris and Joliet Catholic has a rivalry with Morris. Which is funny when you think about it, because Morris is this little country town and Joliet Catholic’s supposed to be a “city” school.
Cicero: 16th Place
I really don’t know much about Cicero. I always forget it isn’t just its own neighborhood of Chicago. That would make it better, I assume.
Elgin: 17th Place
Elgin’s weird because we played all kinds of Elgin Little Leagues but then we never saw them in high school sports. Do people go to high school in Elgin? Crystal Lake’s real close to Elgin, so when I’m home I see a lot of Elgin tourism billboards, which are exclusively for the riverboat casino and a full-nude strip club.
Waukegan: 13th Place
Waukegan’s weird because it’s in Lake County but it isn’t a “nice” suburb. Got a Boys & Girls Club.
