There’s a big game tonight, friends. A longtime independent power squares off with a scarlet-clad Big Ten force. The national championship hangs in the balance. Yes, Penn State is playing Rutgers at the Bryce Jordan Center. Yes, both teams are in hot pursuit of NIT consideration.
We mentioned a few weeks ago how Penn State’s roster has some tremendous names on it. Let’s rank the best ten.
10. Nick Kern Jr.
Nothing all that special about Nick Kern’s name. But, as someone who knew a guy named Kern who was a little bit sleazy, I’ll offer you this: It’s very fun, when a Kern bamboozles somebody, to say that the somebody in question “took a turn for the Kern.”
9. Hudson Ward
Great athlete name right here. Maybe more suited to baseball or football, but a very good name for someone who plays a sport. Strong. Fast. Gallant.
8. Dominick Stewart
There used to be a supermarket named Dominick’s in the Chicago area, where I grew up. Crystal Lake’s was on the far end of Route 14 from my family’s side of town, so my mom didn’t go there, but I feel like I heard good things about their take-and-bake pizza? Maybe I’m getting some streams of memory crossed.
That’s all beside the point. I like Dominick with both a ‘c’ and a ‘k.’ It’s solid. Nothing against Dominic or Dominik, but I like Dominick. Not that Italian (and this is Penn State, so we’ll get to the Italians in a minute), but you weren’t getting Italian with “Stewart” anyway.
7. Kachi Nzeh
I love a name where the pronunciation’s pretty simple, but there’s a few ways it can go, and that’s true of both the first name and the last name. I’m going to level with you guys. I don’t know how to pronounce Kachi Nzeh’s name. But once I do learn, I won’t lose it. It’s going to feel intuitive and I’m going to feel smart.
6. Yanic Konan Niederhouser
Sorry to talk so much about my upbringing here, but I think it’s of huge importance to contextualize what I’m about to say. Crystal Lake’s a suburb of Chicago, but it’s kind of the last suburb. Drive towards the city (past where Dominick’s used to be) and it’s strip mall the whole way into town. Drive away from the city and you immediately start passing through the countryside. Anyway, because I grew up on that outer ring, I can never tell people I’m from Chicago. If they’re from anywhere closer than Crystal Lake, they’ll judge me. I could say “Chicago area,” but for some reason I instead say, “Northern Illinois,” and then I think of Northern Illinois University as NIU rather than Northern Illinois, as many do.
Why is this so crucial? Because when I saw Yanic Konan Niederhouser’s name on Penn State’s website, the first thing I saw next to it was “Northern Illinois.” Thought I had a neighbor! Turns out he’s from Switzerland. Used to play at NIU. That’s why it said Northern Illinois. Which makes more sense. Still, for a minute I believed there was a man named Yanic Konan Niederhouser hailing from Rockton or Marengo or maybe Belvidere. Yanic Niederhouser? I could believe Yanic Niederhouser was from South Beloit. Yanic Konan Niederhouser? No chance.
5. Freddie Dilione V
The Italians!
Not really.
Freddie Dilione V went to high school in North Carolina, spent his freshman year at Tennessee, and does not appear Italian at a glance, at least to my eyes. But that name. How is that name not from Philadelphia?
4. Jimmy Martelli
Ok, thank goodness. Phil Martelli’s son. We were craving some Philadelphian Italian, and we had to include an assistant coach to get there, but we got it done. Bonus points because of how easy it is to picture some Italian great-grandma in Germantown saying, “Little Jimmy Martelli?? Iz that you all grown up???” to this bald man in his 40’s.
3. Puff Johnson
Here’s the thing about being named Puff: You’re a ton of fun, but you’re never the number one guy. If you try to be the number one guy? You change your stage name a zillion times and are eventually arrested for pedophilia and sex trafficking. Let that be a lesson to you, Puff Johnson. We’re fans of yours. You are not Diddy. But let this next guy be the number one option. He has the name for it.
2. Ace Baldwin Jr.
So close, Ace. So close. If Ace Baldwin went by Ace Baldwin and Ace Baldwin alone, he would have the coolest name in the world. Which I think means Ace Baldwin Jr.’s dad has the coolest name in the world? I don’t know. The Jr. just takes a little something away.
1. D’Marco Dunn
A hint of Italian. Alliterative. Solid and strong. We weren’t giving number one on this list to just anybody. D’Marco Dunn, you were destined for greatness. Might not be in basketball, considering you’re Penn State’s seventh man, but don’t stop looking for it.
