It’s baby-naming season, and onomatopoeic names are the hot new thing in America. Let’s rank the five most common:
5. Pop
Yeah, this sounds fine in theory, but have you considered the possibility people will think your child is a grandpa? That would be an inaccurate impression to give your friends and neighbors.
4. Zap
You’re setting your kid up for a lifetime of, “Zach? With an h or a k?” Don’t do it.
3. Splat
To be honest, kids don’t get made fun of as much for this name as you’d think. The bug-crashing-into-the-windshield joke just takes too long to tell, and while you should always base your naming decisions around the humor of fourth graders, fourth graders lose attention faster than that.
2. Boom
The nice thing about Boom is that it’s gender neutral.
1. Sizzle
This is the best thing you can name your kid, onomatopoeic or otherwise. Might it set them up for a disappointing basketball career? Perhaps. Might it set them up for a life of petty organized crime? I guess. But the important thing is that while either or both of those things are happening, your child will be the coolest person in every setting. You can’t put a price on coolness.
