The roofers are here today. We knew this was going to happen. After the big sad hailstorm last fall, some guys walked around on our roof covering little places with tarps. Guys never walk around on your roof covering little places with tarps if they aren’t going to come back and do it to the whole thing. It’s the roofer equivalent of casing a casino before robbing it.
Our landlord told us weeks ago that the roofers would be here today, and that it would be loud, and that it would be loud at the crack of dawn. Did I believe the landlord? Yes, of course, why would he lie to me about something like this. Was I still surprised when my dog and I were awoken at the crack of dawn by clunks and hammerings upon our roof? Yes. I don’t know what I expected. Thank goodness my dog doesn’t give a shit about loud noises. That is really, really convenient.
Here are some questions I bet roofers get asked a lot:
- Have you seen The Shawshank Redemption?
- Is the song “The Roof Is On Fire” fun or scary for you?
- If you had groupies would they be called roofies?
- Are you often offered roofies?
- Do you hear a lot of roofie jokes?
- What’s the deal with lightning? You guys know that’s risky, right? Do a lot of roofers get struck by lightning? Have you ever been struck by lightning? How dangerous is lightning really? What’s the survival rate of lightning?
- Before you get into roofing, do you have to get a…shingles vaccine?
- Do you ever push each other off?
- What is your favorite roof?
- Have you ever seen a cat up there? Maybe on a hot day? When the roof is made of tin?
- Is it noisy up there, too? Or just down here?
- Can I come up?
- How often do you roof houses that have pools? I assume you cannonball into the pool at the end of the project?
- What happens if it rains unexpectedly while the roof is un-shingled? Is that pretty bad or is it not a big deal? If it’s not a big deal, why do we have shingles?
- How steep can the roof be before it’s a problem for you guys?
- Are small roofs called roofies?
- Have you seen Arrested Development? No? Ok well there’s this guy named Gob (pronounced Jobe), and he’s an idiot, and later in the series he takes to giving himself roofies when he wants to forget something. He calls them forget–me–nows. It’s really funny. You should see it. You’ll have to watch the whole series to get the full comedic effect of that episode, but I think you’ll like it. It’s supposedly some big allegory for the Bush family but it isn’t political or anything. Mostly silly and fun. Really clever. Lot of clever jokes in there. I think it’s still on Netflix. Do you have Netflix? Do you still pay for cable too? How do you watch sports? Are you a sports fan? Any chance you like the NIT?
- If you have a dispute with your fellow roofer do you take it to a rooferee?
- What if God is an apple seed?
- Are there any roofers with one leg naturally shorter than the other? Are these guys scouted from a young age?
- How worried are you about goats?
- How worried are you about goats taking your job?
- Do you also do gutters? Or are there separate guys for gutters?
- How much damage does Santa’s sleigh do on an average roof?
- What about the reindeer hooves?
- What is the best kind of roof?
- How many roofs have you roofed?
