I wrote something serious an hour ago, and while I stand by it, it feels weird putting something serious on The Internet™. It’s something I’ve rarely done before.
So I’m now going to power rank the pieces in Battleship.
5. The Aircraft Carrier
This piece is worthless. It’s the biggest target, and it doesn’t actually impact your ability to bomb other pieces because there is nothing correlating its demise with your supposed fleet of fighter jets. Might as well call it what it is, which is a big barge your opponent can take to pound town whenever he or she wants.
4. The Submarine
This piece is cool in theory, but it cannot go underwater, and it decidedly *can* get stuck in your nose.
3. The Cruiser
I don’t really get this piece. But as with many things I don’t get, I respect it out of fear that underestimating it will lead to my demise.
2. The Battleship
This, like the Aircraft Carrier, is a fairly large target. But it looks cool, and it carries significant weight in the momentum of the game. There is perhaps no phrase in the English lexicon more capable of intoning despair and horror than “You sunk my battleship.”
1. The Destroyer
This thing’s name seems like an overstatement. I mean, it’s the smallest piece in the game. But it’s also the most nimble piece in the game, and by putting it perpendicular to the end of another piece, you can use it to sow a lot of confusion, distracting your opponent while you wreak havoc on them from the sky (or underwater—never knew whether we were using torpedoes or sky-bombs). All pieces, besides the Aircraft Carrier, have their strengths. One piece is particularly susceptible to becoming lodged in one’s nostril. But only the Destroyer has earned the title of The Most Nimble Piece in The Game™.
