Alright, so every year, five of my friends and I get on a video call and do a timed chug as the opening act in a fantasy football draft. It’s childish, dorky, and yes, I’m saying both those things because I always lose. I am a very slow chugger. Sorry to those I’ve disappointed.
Thankfully, the winner gets to choose what gets chugged: beverage, quantity, and container—the whole deal. So, obviously, this year I decided we’d chug milk.
My plan, upon winning, was to work on increasing my milk-drinking capacity. Building it up over the offseason to something obscene. This, however, takes forethought, and requires a decent amount of exercise to cancel out the nutritional impact (no, I do not know how science works), and I was willing to engage in neither of those behaviors. So, I settled on a quart of whole milk. Thick enough to give some trouble. Large enough no one could just wolf it down. Intimidating enough to piss people off.
And they were pissed.
“You can discuss but that’s not changing shit. I’m not chugging a months (sic) level of fat and cholesterol.” – Guy who eats steak now and then, I’d assume
“I don’t really want to do this.” – Guy who considered just not doing this
As you might have guessed, these guys didn’t know what a quart was. They thought I meant half a gallon. In their defense, I would have loved to get to half a gallon (again—no forethought, no exercise). But a quart? That’s just two glasses of milk. Borderline reasonable, as I pointed out. Potentially healthier than beers.
Anyway, they loved it. They faced their fears, and they walked away loving milk.
“Did you know milk’s a better hydrator than water?” – Guy from Pennsylvania
“I didn’t know whole milk had so much omega 3s.” – Guy who lives in Pennsylvania
“Feeling like a cheesy champion” – Same guy as the last quote
The best part is, I now have an answer ready for all the times someone asks me how long it takes for me to drink a quart of whole milk. 25 seconds. That’s the answer. Provided it isn’t too cold, of course. I let it sit for about an hour. Got it nice and sweaty. No brain freezes that way. And for those wondering, no, that is not the fastest in the league. It is the fourth-fastest in the league. Or third? I forget already. The joy of milk consumes me.
Could have been an episode of “The Big Bang Theory”….just sayin’
My synopsis of this episode:
So, obviously, this year I decided we’d chug milk.
No, I do not know how science works.
No forethought, no exercise.
Feeling like a cheesy champion