It has become apparent over the duration of this pandemic that people will call just about anything a porch. At first, I let this go. There were more important things to worry about. But today, I can think of nothing more important. So let’s hash this out.
I realized this was an issue early in my Stuber Eats career, when I would get delivery notes saying to “leave it on the front porch” and then find a sidewalk and a front door and nothing in between the twain. It soon worsened. I recognized it next within myself, when I referred to our stoop as a porch when discussing locations on the property at which we could dine. Finally, I saw it begin to take over the national discourse, with that video going viral of the poor, confused child pointing at an apple and saying, “Is this a porch too, Mommy?” (This video doesn’t exist yet, nor has it gone viral, but if you would like to make it and use it to publicize this blog post, I would thank you.)
I know, I know. Language is always changing. “Literally” used to be defined as something literal. “Irregardless” has a place in the dictionary now. “Republicans” used to believe in the merits of free trade.
But this is where I draw the line. Not everything is a porch. And far more things are stoops than are being called stoops. You aren’t too good for stoops, America. Stoop Kid was braver than all of you.
Anyway, definition time:
Porch
Elevated (has some space beneath). Wood or laminate base. Covered. Generally has a boundary of some sort (fence, posts, raised edge, banister, handrail, etc.).
Stoop
Elevated (floor is higher than the ground) but does not need to have space beneath it. Cement/concrete/brick/stone base, except for in rare cases in which it is effectively a very small, boundary-less porch. Does not need to be covered.
Veranda
Some overlap with porches here. Also some overlap with balconies. Base doesn’t matter, but needs to be covered, and should be wide enough for one to comfortably walk around on it.
Patio
Flat with the ground, but paved (or bricks, or stone, or laminate if you’re being weird?). Can be covered. Doesn’t have to be.
Balcony
Protrudes from the edge of a building. A ledge. Does not connect to the ground (separating it from a second-story porch). Generally smaller than a veranda, but there can be some overlap. Can be covered or uncovered, doesn’t matter.
Deck
This one’s tricky, but the consensus says that it’s basically an uncovered porch. Experts have discussed whether one can have a “front deck” or if back decks are the only decks, but they have not reached a definitive conclusion.
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Please, take these seriously. I know, everyone makes mistakes. But catch yourself, correct, and keep pursuing truth. This isn’t about demeaning porches. It’s about calling everything by its true name.
