South by Southwest is going on this week in Austin (good luck overshadowing the NIT, SXSW—I’ve attended nothing), and first of all, we should really try renting out a bar next year for NIT games during the festival. Is it a festival? A convention? Nobody really knows what SXSW is, exactly, and those that do are nerds. Second of all, though, we need more oddly directionally-named conventions where Mayor Pete can come make bizarre, inaccurate statements (“Living in Austin used to mean you have to have a car,” yeah Pete, Lyft and Uber exist now, cars aren’t slightly less necessary because we have two semi-functional buses and a lightrail line to nowhere, cars are slightly less necessary because Lyft and Uber exist now) while hitching his wagon to a probably-unpopular mayor (Prop F did not win last year). We need South by Southeast. We need North by Northeast. We need all the iterations here.
As far as I can tell, there are eight combinations here of ___ by ______ that make any sort of sense. Austin already took SXSW, but here’s where I would put the other seven, plus one bonus one that doesn’t make sense but does then make sense when I expertly explain it to you:
West by Southwest: Bakersfield
Basically the west, but it’s got some southwest elements out there in the dustland.
West by Northwest: Boise
Obviously.
North by Northwest: Juneau
I might be off on Juneau, but is it frequently dark there and prone to lots of precipitation? Lot of trees?
North by Northeast: Rochester, NY
Putting the snow into the thing.
East by Northeast: New Haven
New England is the Northeast. Philly and New York are probably the Northeast (otherwise, why have a Northeast if it’s just going to be New England). The Ivy League, though, is the East. Hence. Thusly. Therefore.
South by Northeast: Washington, D.C.
Washington’s historically southern but more a part of the Northeast today because of liberals and trains. Am I wrong? Am I wrong??
East by Southeast: Richmond
*everybody nods*
South by Southeast: Charleston, SC
Could be Atlanta, could be Savannah, could even conceivably be Greenville or Jacksonville. We’ll go with Charleston, which is geographically Southeast but Southern when it comes to vibes.
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Thank you, will look forward to all eight of these, hopefully these make up for our failed World Fair effort. Please schedule them at times when we can rent out bars to watch sporting events with our friends and call it a business expense.
