A universal truth is that cable news is bad. Every piece of it is bad. It is a bad, bad thing which is responsible for a lot of other bad, bad things. It can exist—it’s fine, 11-year-olds can also buy iced frappuccinos—but it’s a lot like booze: We crave it, and it knows that, and it destroys a lot of people who can’t handle it. Much like its cousins, political talk radio and the poorly-fact checked political blogosphere, it legitimizes people’s worst ways of thinking and gives something that needs attention exactly the kind of attention it does not need. A good gut check on your own relationship with cable news is to ask yourself if you have any sort of positive feeling towards any cable news channel. If you do, you have a problem. They are all bad, and you are the mark in one of the largest cons of the last century.
With that out of the way, I would like to pitch myself as a cable news host, because I am told there are openings and holy shit can you make a lot of money while brainwashing people in that job.
I have no credentials.
My voice is pretty nasal.
Here is what I would talk about:
- The NIT
- Joe Kelly
- My dog
- #HotChocolateSummer
- How the patchwork quilt that is college athletics is the best embodiment out there of our segmented, overlapping, many-faceted national identity
- Milk
- My favorite places to walk in Austin
- Which parts of Canada we do and don’t want
- Calvin and Hobbes
- Maps
- Places to eat on the road
- Things at grocery stores that stress me out
- NASCAR and IndyCar and conspicuously not Formula 1
- The best places to hide
- Where not to sled
- That David Bote grand slam in 2018
I await the calls.
