Major League Baseball’s All-Star Voting is approaching its finale.
Well, the first round of the voting is. To be honest, I’m not fully sure what happens after that. But I’m up for trying new things, especially if it means more energy is being spent on All-Star Selection than addressing problems with the game that aren’t really problems with solutions that aren’t really solutions.
So, without knowing what happens after this round of voting, I will now bestow my picks upon you, through means of The Internet™. As a blogger, I am the ultimate authority when it comes to who should play in this game, and as a reader, you’re clearly interested in what I have to say. That’s how this works. I yell things into my computer with my fingers, hit “Publish”, Tweet about it, and sit there smiling softly while the pageviews slowly climb. You, citizens of The Internet™, read what I have to say and tell your friends, neighbors, and bovine all about it, remarking with each telling on what a smart young man I am.
In short, you care about this ballot, and it is I who is doing you a service by sharing it. You may now proceed with your voting, as I know you’ve been waiting.
American League
We’ll start with the AL, because at least tonight, it’s American First.
First Base: Ji-Man Choi, Tampa Bay Rays
Ji-Man Choi has a rosy pair of cheeks on him, and a beguiling smile. His first name (First and middle name? My apologies for being culturally unaware.) is a homophone with G-Man, which is a cool nickname, the meaning of which I can’t begin to surmise. I want to see Ji-Man play in this game, and I know I’m not alone in that.
Second Base: Tommy La Stella, Palm Springs Angels of Anaheim
David Bote’s former backup is having a great year, and I don’t know about you, but I think that means he should start in the All-Star Game.
Third Base: Rafael Devers, Boston Red Sox
With cheeks as round as Ji-Man Choi’s are rosy, and the wide eyes to match them, Rafael Devers, as has been noted by many, looks like a six-year-old who has been hopelessly magnified and is now being asked to play a game against grown men who happen to be world-class athletes. His face has the natural appearance of one saying “Whew, that was a close one.” I don’t know what he keeps narrowly evading, but I’m glad he’s evading it.
Shortstop: Francisco Lindor, Cleveland Indians
Whether I vote for him or not, Javy Báez is going to start at shortstop in the National League (Little note for all you aspiring bloggers out there: this is the kind of sentence that keeps the people scrolling. Am I going to vote for the most charismatic player in baseball or not? You’ll find out soon enough.), and if Francisco Lindor starts opposite him, there will be some general silliness that will warm the hearts of all involved, except for the old white dude I saw call Javy Baez a punk on Twitter today.
Catcher: Pedro Severino, Baltimore Orioles
Is Pedro Severino good?
Hell if I know.
I’m assuming this will be everybody’s reaction when he starts the All-Star Game, which is good, because it will keep us all on our collective toes.
Outfield: Brock Holt, Boston Red Sox (Write-In)
Most things are better with dogs, and Brock Holt is a golden retriever.
Outfield: Mike Trout, Phoenix Angels of Anaheim
He is the best player in baseball. Possibly in baseball history. He is the man for whom this game was created. Hopefully Rob Manfred will be asked a lot about the stupid thing he said about Trout last year so that he can’t spend time thinking of more solutions that aren’t solutions to problems that aren’t problems.
Outfield: Eddie Rosario, Minnesota Twins
Having lived a few blocks from Target Field for the 2017 and 2018 seasons, my heart still yearns for Eddie Rosario. Fun. Good. Fast. Flashy. Javy Báez but not quite as Javy Báez. Marketable, yet relatively unknown, as though the MLB has a lot of issues with its own ability to market itself. Interesting.
Designated Hitter: Rowdy Tellez, Toronto Blue Jays
His first name is Rowdy.
National League
Personally, I’m not a fan of just voting for all your favorite team’s players, even if pretty much all of them deserve to start in the All-Star Game. I mean, yes, I include some Cubs here, but I don’t just click on all the Cubs and call it a day. For one thing, Daniel Descalso is listed as the Cubs’ second baseman despite the existence and continued excellence of David Bote (I don’t know the rules, so I am not yet mad at anyone but the fates for this), and Daniel Descalso belongs nowhere near the All-Star Game. For another, I get to watch the Cubs play their own All-Star Game six or seven times a week.
First Base: Anthony Rizzo, Chicago Cubs
After writing all that, I’m going to now proceed to lay out a ballot with a lot of Cubs on it. Why Rizzo? His commitment to his physique:
Second Base: David Bote, Chicago Cubs (Write-In)
The reigning National League Rookie of the Year deserves the start. I expect no arguments.
Third Base: Eduardo Escobar, Arizona Diamondbacks
See? Not all the Cubs.
Another big takeaway from my time in Minnesota was that Eduardo Escobar doesn’t really know his teammates’ names, which means the man will be especially confused at an All-Star Game.
Charming.
Shortstop: Javy Báez, Chicago Cubs
Javy Báez is the most exciting human being alive. Of course I’m voting for him.
Catcher: Joe Kelly, Los Angeles Dodgers (Write-In)
There is no place on the All-Star Ballot to vote for who should throw the 7th inning, so here we are. Can Joe Kelly catch? Yes. He’ll do splendidly.
Outfield: Kyle Schwarber, Chicago Cubs
Outfield: Yasiel Puig, Cincinnati Reds
Outfield: Franmil Reyes, San Diego Padres
I want a gargantuan outfield at this All-Star Game. I want an outfield that gets progressively larger as you look from left to right, and more powerful as you look from right to left. I want these three men to forge a lifelong friendship featuring lots of games of leapfrog and more than one photo shoot in which they all lean around a doorway with their heads above one another’s. I want the ground at Jacobs Field to shake as the NL takes the field in the bottom of the first, and the people of Cleveland to board up their windows when the heart of the NL order comes to the plate. I want to see the greatest collection of size and power in one place since the dinosaurs all tragically gathered in the same spot down near what’s now Mexico to watch what their astronomer friend said would be a once-in-an-eon meteor shower.
Make it happen, voters. The future is in your hands.
