Opening Day is here, and for those curious how we cover sports other than college basketball, given our NIT-centric approach to semi-professional hoops, we want to make something clear:
We view championships as championships.
The NFL? It’s about winning the Super Bowl. The NHL? It’s about winning the Stanley Cup. The NBA? It’s about getting the most podcast downloads. Major League Baseball? It’s about winning the World Series.
Our deal with college basketball is that the sport has been held hostage for 86 years by the existence of the NCAA T*urnament, a problem that has only grown. We don’t support the NIT because it features some collection of the 20th to 100th-best college basketball teams. We support the NIT because it is the true college basketball championship. We are constantly working to restore that identity.
That said, most of our baseball coverage revolves around a relief pitcher who’s never made an All-Star Game and a team that’s won one World Series in the last 115 years.
We’re Joe Kelly fans. We’re Cubs fans. But we love baseball, and we love the World Series.
Now.
Opening Day vibes rankings:
30. Oakland Athletics
We tried to slip the White Sox in here, but I think the front office turnover has given that Bears-esque fanbase a reason to get at least a little bit excited. We tried to slip the Rockies in, but their vibes always outperform their performance because Coors Field is such a delight. We took a look at the Nationals, but they’re young and may soon be fun. It’s the A’s. We’re sorry, but it’s the A’s.
Are the A’s going to be the worst team in baseball? Probably not. Billy Beane’s still doing a lot of the work in Oakland. But the vibes…yeah, they’re terrible. Terrible, terrible vibes. Does Las Vegas even want this team?
29. Chicago White Sox
There it is. These guys stink, and their fans know they’re going to stink, and they can only delude themselves by citing things five years in the future for so long. It is miserable to be a White Sox fan. We really, really lucked out by being born into families that listened to the Cubs on the radio. I’m legitimately sorry White Sox fans have to deal with what White Sox fans have to deal with. It’s not funny anymore. (It’s often very funny.)
28. Washington Nationals
Remember when the Nationals needed to cash in their Juan Soto value because the Lerners were going to sell the team and the new owners should have been given the right to build around their own preferred core?
Not selling the team anymore!
Oof.
27. Anaheim Angels
Maundy Thursday is an appropriate day for Mike Trout’s season to begin.
26. Miami Marlins
We’ll see whether steering into their Latin-American identity and allowing all those noisemakers into the stadium helps the Marlins’ vibes. These guys might skyrocket. For now? The safest assumption, as always with the Marlins, is that this is not going to be fun.
25. Pittsburgh Pirates
A brief history of the last forty years of Major League Baseball:
- Bud Selig was an incompetent owner when it came to winning games. He tried, but he couldn’t figure out how to win, and he ultimately came to the assumption that it was because the Brewers didn’t generate enough revenue.
- Bud Selig successfully pushed for revenue sharing, in which teams who make more money give some of that money to teams who make less money. Still, Bud Selig failed to win.
- Bob Nutting bought the Pirates and now rakes in shit-tons of cash despite never trying to win.
- Meanwhile, the Rays have become baseball’s second-best regular season franchise despite not having a single fan in the world outside of Dick Vitale.
Rich owners aren’t the biggest problem.
Bob Nutting is the biggest problem.
24. Kansas City Royals
The Royals did a good job of grabbing players this offseason whose names people know. Michael Wacha. Seth Lugo. Will Smith the Reliever. Adam Frazier. Austin Nola. Sandy León. I know all those names! They also extended Bobby Witt Jr. Cole Ragans is probably set for regression hell, but the Royals have a roster that doesn’t make you say, “Oh God no.” They also play in the AL Central, which is always winnable. So yeah, not too bad of vibes on the Royals.
23. Colorado Rockies
Coors Field can only get you so far. This team is going to suck.
22. Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers might contend in the NL Central, but they’re going through the transition from moneyball–by–proven–moneyballers to moneyball–by–unproven–moneyballers, and that’s scary. Also, if you take away the slide, Miller Park is a bit of a bummer. The slide is there, so it isn’t a bummer, but if you take the slide away? Bummer.
21. Boston Red Sox
The Red Sox fanbase is up in arms because their front office took it slow this offseason. There are fair complaints. But anger isn’t a bad vibe for Bostonians. It’s been 25 years since they’ve been able to be really, really mad. They’re coming back to their roots.
20. Detroit Tigers
My bad, I forgot about the Tigers. Let’s put them here.
19. San Diego Padres
I don’t remember the details of this, but the Padres got into a bad cash crunch (they were fine on solvency or liquidity or whatever the important thing is, but they were running up against some MLB rules designed to keep teams solvent or liquid or whatever the important thing is). Why did this happen? They were trying to win. (*Bob Nutting laugh track*) Then, their owner, Peter Seidler, died tragically and unexpectedly. (*Bob Nutting laugh track again—what a dick*)
Really shitty time to be the Padres.
Might make a push for a Wild Card, though.
18. New York Mets
The Mets went into a rebuild mode? I think? I’m not sure. The great thing about Steve Cohen is that if the Mets start 5–0 he might trade everything he has for Shohei Ohtani. Ohtani would, of course, then get suspended for six years, because this is the Mets, but Cohen’s always liable to make a push. I think that increases how maddening the Mets experience is.
17. San Francisco Giants
Another fanbase who’s just a little frustrated. They made some big offseason moves—they got two of the Boras Four, they added Jorge Soler and Jung Hoo Lee—but they’re coming off such a weird few years and their ballpark is so unkind to hitters (they’re going to be real mad at Matt Chapman even if he’s solid) that the vibes can get rough in San Francisco. Also, the baseball ecosystem is one predisposed to blaming things on the libs. We’re not trying to endorse San Francisco’s local governance or anything, but everything San Francisco gets surrounded these days by big, dumb fights about homelessness. Those aren’t fun!
16. Cleveland Guardians
The Guards will probably be great. They’ll probably win the AL Central. But they don’t know that yet. The guys who’ll do it are presumably the biggest no-names on their roster, and their roster—being that of the Guardians—is loaded with no-names. Ever heard of Brayan Rocchio? Me neither. I bet he hits 17 triples.
15. New York Yankees
The Yankees should be very good, but they’re just too desperate right now. Everyone involved with the Yankees wants to kill everyone else involved with the Yankees. Fans, players, media, front office…it’s all just mad. Everyone is angry. And not in a fun way, like with the Red Sox.
14. Chicago Cubs
Cubs fans are funny, because they cheer for one of the richest teams in the league, a team who’s signed a top-five free agent each of the last two offseasons and is going to have a top-ten payroll right now despite having one of the youngest rosters out there, and yet Cubs fans think their President of Baseball Ops is being cheap? It’s helpful sometimes to remember that Cubs fans are Bears fans, too.
Cubs should be decent. I’m worried. I don’t think the fellas are as good as the Cardinals. Thankfully, I was very wrong last year.
13. Toronto Blue Jays
The Blue Jays should be pretty good, but frustration’s high here too. They’ve been at the doorstep for a long time, and they thought they were getting Ohtani, and it’s possible the pitch clock ruined their season last year because Alek Manoah wasn’t in good enough shape. The vibe is also affected by the Leafs still playing hockey. Did you know that Canada Day is scheduled when it is because the nation wants its largest city to pivot to baseball season and remember that life isn’t hell? Also, July 1st is the warmest day in Nunavut.
12. Minnesota Twins
Coming off a magical run in which they reached Game 4 of the Division Series, the Twins are the AL Central favorites and are expected to maybe even finish above .500. What a division.
11. Cincinnati Reds
The Reds will probably be bad. They had a lot of guys overperform last year and they still didn’t end up that close to the playoffs when it was all said and done. But Reds fans don’t realize that, nor should they. They think they’re rising to a new plane of existence. Good for them. I hope Elly De La Cruz hits a ball through a video board.
10. Los Angeles Dodgers
Did the Dodgers win a World Series in 2020? Or did that not count? What I love about Dodgers fans is that they seem to privately believe it didn’t count, but they will not admit that to other fans. I get into some Dodger fan conversations because of the Joe Kelly thing, and when they’re talking to each other they don’t seem to count it, even if they count it when they’re talking to everybody else. Again, I love this. Dodgers fans are good fans, and that doesn’t even mean you have to like them. They can be a heel!
This is a sensational roster, it’s not as good as the Braves’, and Joe Kelly’s vibes can only do so much when you’re staring down the face of your Babe Ruth-esque talent becoming embroiled in what might become an historic scandal before you even really played your Opening Day game.
9. Philadelphia Phillies
On one hand, the Phillies have suffered two straight near-misses in October, and the postseason is enough of a crapshoot to make it unknowable if they’ll get back to that stage.
On the other, Kyle Schwarber and Bryce Harper and Trea Turner and Brandon Marsh and…
8. St. Louis Cardinals
I’m so scared of the Cardinals. I’m terrified of the Cardinals.
The Cardinals signed a bunch of old pitchers this offseason, which is a very Cardinals thing to do, especially in their post-peak Arenado/Goldschmidt era. Baseball’s getting younger, and the Cardinals said, Let’s do the exact opposite of that. But with the exception of Sonny Gray, who’s got a hamstring issue and was the one acquisition people didn’t clown, those starters were all bounce-back candidates. You’re telling me Lance Lynn won’t throw a complete game shutout in 100-degree weather this summer in St. Louis? He might not get another out for two weeks after the fact, but he’s going to make that happen.
Cardinals fans seem kind of quiet, too. I think they know.
7. Seattle Mariners
The Mariners are struggling to break through, and I think people are mad at Jerry Dipoto for being a freewheeler with no regard for players’ feelings, but the roster’s pretty good? And the natural vibe of the Mariners is happy, especially once July hits. There are 29 hours of sunlight a day in Seattle in the months it isn’t a car wash. Maybe that’s the reason for all those summer surges the last few years.
6. Houston Astros
These bastards.
5. Atlanta Braves
These bastards!
The Braves have the best roster in baseball and that still shows no signs of changing. And the shithead players aren’t even the really good ones. This sucks. They shouldn’t be allowed to say they’re from Atlanta after they left Atlanta. I hate the Braves so much. Thank goodness they only won the one World Series so far this era. Thank goodness it was a fluky one that caught everyone off guard. Thank goodness the Phillies are their daddy.
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
The Diamondbacks are bound to regress, but they had so much fun last year, you know? Delightful baseball team. Delightful, delightful baseball team. Even their platoon guys like Alek Thomas are ballers. (I know he’s a full-time starter but he’s a platoon guy in my heart.)
3. Texas Rangers
The Rangers 1) won the World Series and 2) have Max Scherzer and Jacob deGrom to look forward to, even if deGrom doesn’t end up returning this year. You can’t say shit to the Rangers.
2. Tampa Bay Rays
I mean, they’re a good team, and their one fan in the world is a man most known for his exuberance. Of course the Rays have good vibes right now.
1. Baltimore Orioles
Won 101 games? The Angelos Family sold the team?? Jackson Holliday is gonna debut as soon as his service time’s been sufficiently manipulated???
The bridge thing does dampen the mood.
But the 2013 Boston Red Sox had spectacular vibes and those started with a bombing at their city’s marathon. Not to be insensitive, but Baltimore’s about to rally around the bird, and it’s going to rock. Might miss the playoffs because the AL East is a wagon, but right now, this team means something.
**
Predictions:
- NL Cy Young: Joe Kelly
- NL MVP: Joe Kelly
- AL Cy Young: Luis Castillo
- AL MVP: Adley Rutschman
- Division Champions: Dodgers, Cardinals, Braves, Astros, Guardians, Yankees
- Wild Cards: Phillies, Cubs, Giants, Rays, Orioles, Blue Jays
- World Series: Dodgers over Yankees
- World Series MVP: Joe Kelly
In reference to your comments on the Braves, please refer to your ranks of them and the Phillies 5 vs 9. Go Braves!
Haha very fair. Lot of season left, though! We’ll see about October!
Don’t know Brayan Rocchio?? I thought this was a SPORTS site
Of course we do! He hit 17 triples in 2024!