My laptop broke on Friday. I was on a plane, the person next to me needed to use the bathroom, and when I got up I held the computer by its corner for the one-too-manyth time. The hinge broke, and as it twisted the screen began to break too, cracks shooting across it while little bits of glass scattered into the aisle.
We got through the notes ok, and we got through the weekend ok, and we’ll get the computer fixed, so everything’s going to be alright, but I now have three blogging computers, and only one of them presently works, and that’s one I bought at the Target in Little Five Points for $250, which is the least you can pay for an excel-capable laptop at a Target in Atlanta. Stopped at Target on the way into town, came out with a laptop. One of the more unexpected business expenses of the year.
The laptop is great. It’s small and it’s clunky and it makes a lot of noise because it’s always trying to not freeze up. It is a hilarious little machine, and I love it. Here are my favorite things about it:
When the Computer Boots Up, It Shows an “ASUS” Graphic That Looks Like It’s Straight Out of MegaRace
Did anybody else play MegaRace as a child? Computer game? Fictional host Lance Boyle was involved? Well, my laptop, made by ASUSTek Computer Inc. (a Taiwanese multinational company, in case you were wondering where The Barking Crow stands on that looming potential global catastrophe), must have given their graphics guy a job, because when their logo pops up it is blocky and it is chrome and it is small. MS-DOS energy.
The Charger Is Smaller Than My Phone Charger
Eco-warrior, that’s what they call me. This thing’s charger fits in my pocket, and when I pull it out I feel like it looks at me, smiling, saying, “I’m just a little guy! You wouldn’t hurt a little guy!” Great incentive to not leave too many tabs open. Too many tabs could start a fire on this thing’s motherboard.
There’s a Number Pad on the Touchpad But It’s Semi-Useless
There isn’t enough space on this keyboard for a number pad, which is too bad, but they do have one on the touchpad, meaning if you turn it on you can tap the ol’ ten-key, just not with real buttons. My attempts at it so far have been slow and mistake-ridden, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s perfected it.
One problem with this? I haven’t yet figured out how to get it to work with alt codes, which are something we actually use a lot, writing about Javier Báez and Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson and NIT selection résumés and OH MY GOSH I FIGURED IT OUT YOU JUST HAVE TO HIT AN EXTRA KEY (ANY KEY) AFTER YOU PLUG IN THE ALT CODE. Wow. This is big.
Its Small Surface Area Allows Me to Hold It By Its Corners Without Feeling It Even Slightly Bend
I think they call this “enabling.”
It Has the Enter Button Outlined in Yellow
Clear, bright yellow. You can never lose the enter button on this thing. Have enter buttons been hiding? Do you need enter buttons in emergencies?
It Is Very Zoomed In
The screen’s already pretty small, but I have to zoom out to at most 90% if I’m going to not feel like I’m in the front row at the movies.
Its Clicks Are Loud
Clicking on this thing is like hitting the rim on a snare. Who’s this child in the coffee shop with the tiny charger cracking plastic every time he switches windows? Oh, that’s just our local NIT blogger. He’s got a new toy.
It Takes a Lot of Breaths
I mentioned the too-many-tabs thing. This computer deals with it by, whenever you click away from a tab, basically just closing that tab. They all reload when you go back to them. Also, if you paste something in excel you should go make yourself a cup of coffee because this guy needs some time to do the math. Is there a little man in there writing the equations out by hand?
You know those people who tell you to slow down? Minimalist-adjacent folks saying stuff like, “Get enough sleep,” and, “Walk instead of driving,” and, “Buy my book”? I think they’d love this computer. This thing is mindful as hell.
There Is a Logo on It That Says “SonicMaster”
I don’t know what it means but my assumption is that this guy has a bumping stereo inside it. Haven’t tried it out yet, but the next time I’m watching Missouri Valley Conference athletics on ESPN+ you know I’m cranking up the volume. Actually, that might kill this thing. Not sure this can do streaming. A little worried it can’t even do video calls. I really need to get the other two fixed.
