Mother’s Day Is the 8th-Best Holiday

Whoa whoa whoa, this isn’t my opinion. Don’t blame this on me! To me, Mother’s Day is the best holiday, because today is Mother’s Day and you can’t say anything bad about Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day. Ask me tomorrow, and my opinion will change, but thankfully, today is not tomorrow.

Two years ago, we did a very scientific study (a bracket mostly settled by Instagram votes) to identify which holidays people like the best. What did we find? Mother’s Day ranked 8^th. In order, it came in behind Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Memorial Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and New Year’s Day. It finished ahead of Easter (must have had a lot of Catholic voters). It narrowly edged Groundhog Day, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, and Mardi Gras (must not have had many Louisianan Catholics). Bastille Day? Mother’s Day blew Bastille Day out of the water. Bastille Day doesn’t have shit on Mother’s Day. I’d say that tomorrow, too, if asked. I’d say that on Bastille Day! Bastille Day sucks. No one celebrates it, and whenever somebody tries, some narc shows up and tells them it isn’t ok to riot and liberate a prison. If the Clausometer from the sleigh in Elf ran on Bastille Day spirit, Santa would have never been able to fly to Central Park in the first place.

Here are those full rankings. Don’t show them to your mom.