I have three requests regarding the proposed fight between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg.
The first is that the fight is to the death. I don’t want either of them to die—that seems unnecessary, I don’t even really dislike either of them, I mostly think they’re weirdos—but I do think rivalries are lacking intensity these days, and death is a good way to introduce some intensity to the arena. In olden times, if you went after a guy’s business (i.e., his farm), you were trying to kill him. It might not have been your primary objective, but it was part of the deal. These days, Mark Zuckerberg goes for Twitter’s jugular via Threads and Elon Musk won’t die if it works? Hell, even better example: How are the Wagner guy and Putin’s Minister of Defence (I assume Russia uses the British spelling) both still alive? I’m starting to think actions don’t have consequences, and I demand that a cage match between tech executives teach me they do. Otherwise, I am going to act out. I am an impressionable 28-year-old youth!
The second is that even though they aren’t allowed to use weapons, each sneaks in a little knife or a dagger. I hate seeing stabbings happen, but I really don’t want to see Mark Zuckerberg smother Elon Musk. If they’re going to try to kill each other, I want them to have the means.
The third is that we get more of these. Here’s a list:
Mark Cuban vs. Clay Travis
Fight or fuck, guys, you’ve got two choices. You’ve been going at it for too long.
Rory McIlroy vs. Phil Mickelson
There’s a six-inch difference here, and I don’t just mean that Phil’s a dick. Phil Mickelson is that much taller than Rory McIlroy, and that could counteract the differences in age and athleticism. Consider my curiousity piqued.
Donald Trump vs. Barack Obama
Goes without saying.
Victor Wembanyama vs. Britney Spears
For all the things we’ve seen Britney Spears do, fighting a 7’5” 19-year-old Frenchman is not on the list. We need to change that.
(I don’t think this one should be to the death.)
Me vs. Craig Counsell
He’s just such a weasel.
Ryan Reynolds vs. John Green
This one makes me uncomfortable, but that’s exactly why I think we need it.
Greta Thunberg vs. Kent State Gun Girl
Good luck protecting yourself with an AK-47 when Greta Thunberg harnesses the power of wind and sea, bitch.
Air Bud vs. Michael Vick
I’m sorry.
Dan Gilbert vs. Bronny Jr.
Dan Gilbert is only 5’6”, I learned by googling him to confirm I remembered his name correctly. I can’t put a short 61-year-old up against one of the most absurd athletic specimens to ever walk this earth. I *can*, however, put him up against that guy’s son.
Steve Jobs’s Ghost vs. Jeffrey Epstein’s Ghost
As a proxy for Bill Gates, of course.
Jack Black vs. Larry the Cable Guy
I don’t know, I just think this one would be funny. Conflicting styles. I would want Jack Black to win. Nothing against Larry (nothing ever against a guy named Larry, we need as many Larries as we can get), but School of Rock was a really good movie. One of the best movies ever, I’d opine, as a man who has seen fewer than 200 movies in his life.
