If you don’t spend at least a few minutes each day checking on the whereabouts and happenings of the Atlanta Braves’ mascot, you might not know that Blooper’s on a heater right now. The party started with Atlanta winning Game 6, and the party has not stopped. This is just from the last few days:
Obviously, going on a bender with Blooper would be a riot. Blooper would get ejected from so many bars. Blooper would bodyslam an innocent. Blooper would push all the buttons in the elevator in the hotel lobby while you used the hotel’s bathroom downstairs because neither of you were staying at that hotel and you really had to go. And it’s not just because Blooper’s a mascot. There are plenty of mascots I would decidedly not want to go on a bender with. Let’s break down a few.
Wally: No.
This guy looks judgy. Something about the eyelids and the eye black. If I saw Wally at three in the morning as I tried to convince a bartender leaving his shift through the back door to sell me a box of Coors Light for the rest of the night, I would feel judged.
Oriole Bird: Yes.
Sneaky good time. The quiet one. A little shy. Down for anything, though.
Southpaw: Nope.
Again, you’re going to see these guys in the middle of the night. This is not the silhouette I’m looking for:
Clark: No way.
Respect to the bear for not wearing pants, but the MLB website says Clark’s the grandson of a real live bear, which implies either Major League Baseball thinks I’m an idiot or something much worse.
Slider: Ok, fine.
Slider looks like Slider can throw a few back. A little grizzled, too.
Dinger: Yes, obviously.
He’s a dinosaur. Also, that same MLB site from before says “Dinger…CAN SPIN HIS HEAD.” The dance floor could not handle Dinger.
Paws: No.
Paws gives me cop vibes, and not in a cool, Paw Patrol way.
Sluggerrr: Hell no.
First off, why all the r’s, buddy, second off, that site says “Sluggerrr is the most athletic mascot in Major League Baseball.” Sluggerrr is full of shit.
Orbit: No.
I know, I know. He streaked once. But there’s something about him I just don’t trust. Seems like he’s trying too hard.
Bernie Brewer: Ugh, fine, ok, he can come.
But he can’t talk about his favorite podcasts the whole time.
Mr. Met: No.
Phillie Phanatic: Obviously, yes.
Did you know it’s canon that the Phanatic was born in the Galapagos?
Stomper: Yes, but I want him in the Weekday Stomper outfit.
Pirate Parrot: Yes.
Per Major League Baseball, “The Pirate Parrot rides a motorcycle, loves popcorn and jams out to Taylor Swift.” Cool and relatable.
Lou Seal: Oh yes. Duh. No question.
The Swingin’ Friar: I don’t know. I’m going to say yes.
He has upside. Worst case, Blooper throws him off a bridge.
Fredbird: No.
Fredbird has to be a narc.
Raymond: No.
I feel like I’d have to be the one to make sure he got home safely, and I don’t want that responsibility. I’m trying to let loose.
The Presidents: No.
A distraction. Can’t have all that comically-largely-headed secret service around.
The Hot Dogs: Yes.
***
Did I leave a few out? Good. They can’t come either, and yes, that includes you, Brett Gardner.
Our crew is: Blooper, me, Oriole Bird (the quiet one), Slider, Dinger, Bernie Brewer, the Phillie Phanatic, Stomper (wearing that cool suit), Pirate Parrot, Lou Seal, the Swingin’ Friar but Blooper can kill him if he wants, and the hot dogs. We will definitely lose Bernie. Lou will go off on a side quest. The parrot will prove too responsible and go to bed. Stomper will gradually lose pieces of his suit, but he’ll hang in there until the end, disheveled in a diner on Monday morning as we wait to go to the airport for our 6 AM flights. Slider will be hospitalized. The hot dogs will be arrested. At the diner beside me and Stomper will be Blooper, Dinger, the Phanatic, and Oriole Bird. Blooper will get us kicked out before I can finish my waffle.
No Mr. Met???
Did I stutter?